Today I’ve spend a lot of time inside my head. I want to figure out what made me feel like this, why I’m so far from the person I usually am. Is it because I didn’t take my medication, is it because of my boyfriend, my work, my hobbies, the life I’ve had the last year. Where did it go so wrong that I ended up here?
This might be the moment to talk about my year. It all started when my grandpa got sick, October 2018. My grandpa has always been one of the most import people in my life, with him I always felt normal, he understood me the way I am, and he understood all my struggles, but he was always there for me and he never got angry or annoyed with the way I am, and I must admit that he’s the only person I can say this about. But now he was 87 and very sick, the doctors couldn’t do anything for him, it was time to say goodbye, but nobody could say how long we had to do this.
It turned out he was the strongest man I’ve ever seen. He had always been taking care of my grandma and before he died he wanted to make sure she could take care of herself and that we had the proper tools to help her where she couldn’t. He did not die until March, and in these months we had together he prepared us for everything, it seemed like he had control over his sickness, that he was able to extend his time when he figured we were not ready for him to leave us yet. The final night he told the nurses to call us, get us all there with him, because it was going to happen that day. And as soon as we all were there, and he said everything he wanted to say, he closed his eyes, fell asleep and died a few hours later, while we were all there, holding his hand. It was a beautiful moment, a beautiful journey even, and the day after, when we had to start arranging his funeral we found out he had already planned everything and we could just hand over the lists he had made.
But then my life without him started, and it turned out to be hard. Even today I still miss him, I miss this one person in my life that completely understood me, the one that would always be proud of me and support me no matter what. I know that he wanted me to not miss him, continue my life and be great at it, but everything seems less enjoyable now I can not talk to him about it. I still have panic attacks about never seeing him again, about having to live for another maybe more than 60 years and him not being a part of it, it hurts. But what happened after this? Did I grieve properly? I guess I didn’t, I was in the office the day after he died, I started working out every day, I started cleaning my house more, I tried to cook healthier and better food. I started to try to show to him that I was a better person, that I could do well, and every time I felt I was about to cry I tried to stop it, take my mind off, be normal, go and do things.
Two months later my dad got a heart attack and ended up in a coma in the hospital. I never had a good relationship with my father so I did not feel at all the way I felt about my grandpa. It was almost like I did not feel anything at all, just a little annoying, because my schedule became more busy, I worked half days, then travelled to the city my family lives in, visit my father, go to the gym, cook dinner for my mom and sister who where devastated, took care of my grandma and went back home to sleep. Even when we found out the heart attack was caused by a gene that killed my father’s father before I even was born, and when I found out I have this gene as well, again I did not show emotions but used an emotional hard experience to become a better and stronger person, maybe because I knew that once I would give in to feelings they would overwhelm me, and I would have been a mess for months.
What I did notice is that I started hating things, I started to become an angry person. I stopped spending time with friends because I hated the stupid stuff they would talk about, I stopped enjoying my work because I thought the project and my colleagues where stupid and annoying, I stopped cuddling with my rabbit because I hated how he would make me feel things. I hated everything, or I used a shield of hate to stop myself from feeling anything. In this time I was seeing my boyfriend once a week for a few hours, and even this did not give me any emotions, once he left I would just continue to do what I had to do.
This shield of hate, this huge wall between me and everything else made me feel like my life was just ok. I did what I was supposed to do, I did it good enough and I would not have the risks of an emotional breakdown. I thought I was in control. But this shield also created a gap between me and the world around me, my boss told me once he was afraid to talk to me, because I was so angry. And he is this big though guy with a lot of tattoos, so imagine other people. I started feeling like I was a big scary lion, looking for some affection on a chicken farm, and off course no chicken is stupid enough to even come close to me. But my boyfriend was, he did not see my angry moments, he just saw me a couple of hours a week, and in these hours I did not have to use my shield of hate to prevent myself from having emotions, he was the only person that I could be myself with without being afraid of drowning in my feelings. But then I started seeing him more, and I started using the shield less, and now I’m here.
I’m not sure why I feel the way I feel right now. Is it just a reaction to having feelings for my boyfriend or is it related to feeling again, and noticing how I did not listen to myself for so long? Is it that I find out now that I haven’t been living, or that I feel that the pain from those months is still too strong to deal with? Or is it just simply the medication, that in one more week of taking them properly I’ll be ok again? I can not figure it out. But I do think that I should keep lowering this shield of hate, and bring down the walls it built around me, because life with him, the life without the shield, feels better than a life with it, although it is definitely not the easiest solution, especially now all my walls are so big don’t even have a clue how to climb them, and bringing them down will be ever more complicated.