When I tell people I have an ADHD devil living inside my brain, they never believe me. People don’t notice anything strange about me and I definitely don’t fit the image of the overactive little boy that appears inside their mind when they hear the word ADHD. My ADHD remain invisible most of may days, … Continue reading I am not supposed to be great and that is ok
Attention-Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder, or ADHD, is known as a disorder, or a difference or deviation in my opinion, of the brain. ADHD brains are wired in a different way, different from neurotypical brains which causes differences in experience, attention and so much more. ADHD brains tend to be extremely crowded, they are constantly filled with … Continue reading When ADHD takes over my body
I have always had a very wild imagination. Often I find myself lost is a daydream without knowing how much time I have spend in this pleasant universe that’s hidden inside my mind. Whenever I read or hear something, I am imagining it in my brain, and when different words and sounds are combined, I … Continue reading Why ADHD is like a devil
The honest truth about the devil’s work
ADHD is far more than the inability to sit still or the daily search for your keys whenever you decide to leave the house. The way I see myself, the way I deal with emotions or the way I have decided to live my life are all affected by my devil. I am the way I am because of my ADHD and sometimes it’s hard to focus on the positive things I gained from my type of brain. Some things are just difficult or scary and they make you make mistakes that change your life in the wrong way. However, these mistakes are allowed, you’re not the only one making them.
The posts you’ll find here are about my mistakes and insecurities, the things I did wrong in my life or the things I’m still struggling with today. From small frustrations to big life changing experiences but all induced by the devil inside me. Some of the posts are dark and painful, however a part of my life I want to share with you. Not everything is easy or perfect, but learning how to accept these things is the main part of living with ADHD.
Almost two and a half years ago I found myself in the most difficult place I have ever been, alone at home, going crazy because of my own thoughts, unable to function in the life I had made for myself. I described it as being in a deep, scary and extremely black hole. Life was … Continue reading Bye!
Sometimes I just can not believe the people that are supposed to help me, the people that want me to get better and actually benefit from me getting better. I can not believe how many times I have to stand up for myself, explain myself, convince other people of what is good for me and … Continue reading The Army of Chaos
When we usually think about abuse, we think about the big things. A stepfather that can not keep his hands to himself, a mother covered in bruises, a skinny child in dirty clothes, bones that break too often, blood stained underwear, a black eye… Real trauma-causing abuse is often considered sexual or physical, big and … Continue reading There is No Escape, No Reason, No End – Continuity of Mild Abuse Causing Major Trauma
I got through the previous decade of my life because I was the best. I have been the best student to my professor, the best grandchild to my grandparents, the best neighbour to the people that have lived close to me, the best costumer to my gym, the best caregiver to my parents and the … Continue reading The Effect Of A Mother’s High Standards (Read: standards that will just always be too high for you)
Some might see me as blessed, living in the Netherlands, where health care is taken care of, where sickness is allowed and where there is always something to fall back on. A country in which people’s needs are met, and where we get the care we need. A country in which everyone is insured for … Continue reading It’s Legally Impossible To Mentally Recover
I recently started schema therapy, also called lifetrap therapy. This kind of therapy believes that the problems we encounter in our adult life, often originate in our childhood, in the early connection or relationship with our parents. The way our parents choose to connect with us, is what we get familiar with, it’s what we … Continue reading You Don’t But Your Parents!
Tomorrow is my birthday, a day that should be a happy day, a day to look forward to and enjoy. For me however, my birthday is the most depressing day of the year, a day I prefer to skip, stay in bed, hide underneath my sheets with multiple cakes and some ice cream, hiding from … Continue reading Happy Hurtday!
It has been too long since I wrote, too long since I took the time to explore my own mind, to focus on myself, my mental state and figure out what it is I truly need. I miss writing, I miss the feeling of mental balance it provides me with, I miss the progress I … Continue reading Change Took Me Back From Changing
In order to manage my ADHD symptoms, I take methylphenidate daily. My medication helps me to slow down the chaos inside my mind and provides me with the ability to kind of feel normal for a few hours a day. My ADHD devil is mostly an expert in overthinking, making everything I do extremely complicated … Continue reading Budget Cuts in Health-Care Prevent True Care
I can not believe what just happened to me! After my emotional post of this morning I decided to continue writing in the afternoon, to get to the source of my feelings and try to figure things out for myself. And I did. I wrote about what my next therapy will be like, what it … Continue reading MacBook Down By a Tear – Bad Luck or Emotional Punishment
Who am I? This question is one of the hardest for me to answer. I am not good at talking about myself, I have no clue how to describe the way or person I am. I might be introvert but mostly behave extrovert. I might seem very organized in what I do but inside the … Continue reading Who am I? How ADHD Affects Personality
My memories of my father are covered in pain. My whole life he has made me feel worthless, he has beaten me, he has brought me down and he never understood nor allowed the person I am or was. I have never been good enough for him and he took every chance to express this. … Continue reading Toxic Insecurities
The thing I hate most about myself, is that I smoke. For 12 years now I walk around smelling disgusting, depending on these stupid sticks I just can not seem to live without. In a way, I am a terrible smoker, I hate the smell and I can not stand to be in a room … Continue reading Smoking Guilt
My therapy has started two weeks ago. I have homework, books to read, courses to follow and things to try during my days. My therapy is mostly focussed on self-compassion and burn-out. I am supposed to be more kind to myself, do things I enjoy doing while reading about how to succeed in this. Two … Continue reading Do Less, Be Better
I feel like I want to scream. Every time I see the date or the time, every night I go to sleep and every morning I wake up I want to scream as hard as I can, for as long as my lungs will allow me. The need of screaming is getting stronger as the … Continue reading Screaming at Corona
I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me for about two months now. After seeing 4 different doctors, I have finally found the one that doesn’t feel the need to send me to another one, a doctor that is actually willing to help me. Therapy started, however, my psychologist, as well as … Continue reading Depression or Burnout?
My mother is getting bored because of the COVID-19 lockdown, she doesn’t know what to do with her time. Often she tries to call me to complain about het empty days. I keep telling her to stop doing this, her nagging tires me, for a phone call with her I have to use all the … Continue reading My mother’s coloring book
The global corona quarantine is effecting all of us. Our lives have changes radically. Not only are we bound to our homes, unable to see friends of family or visit the places that used to bring some fun into our days, the lockdown had changed much more. Health care, for example, is purely focussed on … Continue reading How to deal with the COVID-19 darkness
I never considered myself to be a Dutchie, but I must admit I am one. I am blond, pretty pale and once a year I even eat stamppot. I did not really get the tallness, nor the ability to eat cheese and drink milk that come with being Dutch. I never felt the need to … Continue reading Stranger in my own country
I have always been a terrible talker, I can just never stick to one topic, especially when the conversations I’m in are about feelings. I was never able to express myself, but more importantly, I did not listen to myself until I started writing and finally started to connect to my true self and I finally became honest to me and the people around me.
I start to cry less often, my energy seems to be returning and I notice how I start to look for contact with other people. A small step in the direction of becoming myself again. I am now able to do my groceries without reaching my limits, without getting completely overwhelmed and yesterday I was … Continue reading A stressful blinding light
My days are covered in tears. My pillows, blankets and clothes are wet. I feel like I’m dehydrated, waking up with the feeling of a hangover every morning without drinking any alcohol. I have been crying for 4 days now, and nothing can make it stop, I just continue sobbing like a leaky rain shower. … Continue reading Why do we cry?
I feel like shit. I can’t stop crying, my heart can’t slow down, I can’t control the chaos and I can’t figure out a way to brighten up the darkness that has taken over, completely. My boyfriend and I decided to start over again, from zero. To see each other less, so I can work … Continue reading Alone in the dark
About one month ago, I wasn’t able to do my life and my job any longer. I couldn’t get myself anywhere, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t stop crying and I had to admit that the life I was living had become too much for me. I had to admit I was no longer able ok, … Continue reading Personal breakdown in times of a global lockdown
I have been writing about how special my grandpa is to me, how close we were, how he was the only person in my family I could feel safe with, worthy of live, love and joy. He was the only person I could open up to, the only person I did not have to hide … Continue reading Different characters and accepting ADHD
Death has always scared me, it has always make me feel really awkward. I had never been able to look at a dead body in a coffin. I never knew what to say to or how to behave around people that had lost someone, so I just avoided them. And I had never allowed myself … Continue reading ADHD and grieve – how not to do it.
Until a year ago, I had one big cheerleader in my life, one person that had always believed in me, that had always respected me, and always loved me. Unfortunately he had been sick for as long as I can remember. His sickness got worse and worse, until last year, when it got beyond the … Continue reading Losing my biggest cheerleader
I believe it is time for me to open up about the worst period of my life. The part I’m ashamed of, the part I have been hiding from myself and everyone around me. The years I have never been honest about, or actually, never been able to talk about. It is the period in … Continue reading ADHD induced puberty
There are days I have complete control over my little ADHD devil, I get things done, my mind doesn’t wonder, I am focussed and happy. But when I get tired at the end of these days, and I’m ready to go to bed, as soon as I lay down the not-so-little-anymore ADHD devil appears, my … Continue reading Going to sleep – The bad nights
I’ve talked about how my ADHD was not diagnosed until I was at University, and because of this, my childhood was filled with rejections, with not being accepted, with being punished for the way I was. Even today, when I look back I get angry, it might have been so much easier for me, so … Continue reading ADHD childhood struggles
I used to be really good at listening to myself, in balancing the time between “living the life” and taking a step back and take care of myself. I used to spend nights at home with candlelight and a good book, I used to take myself out for a nice lunch or dinner, I used … Continue reading Self-love, I miss me
When I came back from 2 weeks without my medication and my boyfriend was at the beginning of his week in Greece I got a little crazy. I felt things, I told myself to not feel them, then I couldn’t not feel them so I started of thinking of ways to make sure I would … Continue reading ADHD sad struggle loop
Lately I’m wondering how I’ll ever be able to be “doing the life”, the working life, for the next 40 years, or even more. I’m an architect, working in one of the biggest offices in the Netherlands, with projects all around the world. I should be happy about this, but since I got my permanent … Continue reading Mental office walls
Easy right? Making a rice cracker with a pre-cut slice of vegan cheese should be the easiest thing in the world. For me however this process can take some very long hours with a lot of detours, frustration and possibilities to never succeed. Let me describe the proces: It is a Sunday, around 1 pm … Continue reading Vegan cheese rice cracker
I feel like I am made up by 3 different people, all me, but all completely different, fighting over control over my brain. The first me is the me I like, the Happy-me, the person that finds joy in little things, has control over herself, gets things done when they need to be done and … Continue reading 3 times me