Today I set myself a few goals. Get rest, clean the house and fix my bicycle. Especially cleaning the house is important because I know that once I’m in a clean and peaceful environment, my brain also becomes more relaxed, it slows down a little. But in the morning I found out: these things are too big to do. I woke up too early, had my coffee on the rabbit toilet couch and told myself I really had to start cleaning this, and then I sat there, unable to do it, and in the end getting lost in games on my phone for 3 hours.
So I started making a to – do list. Usually I put: do laundry on this list, but today I knew I needed easier things to do, so instead of doing laundry I had to, sort dirty clothes, wash dirty clothes, hang washed clothes and fold dry clothes. I broke everything I had to do up in little things, as little as possible. Cleaning the kitchen became, empty dishwasher, rinse dishes, put dishes in dishwasher, start dishwasher ( this one I always forget ), clean sink, clean the counter, clean stove.. I think you get the idea. I do this because I know that when I can cross something of this list I become a little happy and I feel excited to do something else and cross even more, crossable lists have always been my way to get things done.
So I lowered the expectations of myself, and was prepared to start crossing things off the list. But off course this did not just work like that. I started with doing groceries, which was not on the list so I added it and crossed it immediately. Then I played a game, wrote for a while, had a cup of tea and by then it was 4 pm, and still nothing of the original list had been done. This was the point that I started getting annoyed by myself, was I really not able to do a single thing I want to do? I started gaming again but I noticed that the smell of the couch became too much, I really had to start cleaning. And I did! I’m so proud of myself! Off course I didn’t complete my whole to-do list, but I got to about half of it. The couch is clean, there is no trash left in the house and I did my laundry. Although I should have done more I am proud of this, for the first time this week I was actually able to get some things done!
Besides the fact that I was finally able to do something I also felt a little more peace. Writing and playing games seems like a waste of time when you’re supposed to do something else but for me it is a way to slow down my brain. And even though right now it is still moving really fast it is nothing compared to yesterday or the days before, today I can figure out what is happening in there, where my thoughts go and what I’m thinking about. I might have even felt a tiny bit of happiness today when I looked at my clean couch and knew that I was allowed to just sit on it and relax, or when my rabbit came to cuddle with me, with his fluffy nose against mine. But still I’m a mess, I forget everything, I feel too much, I am not able to just do what I want the way I did this a week ago and mostly there is just a lot of chaos. But the important things is: It’s less then yesterday. So if tomorrow will be better then today, there will be a day that I feel completely fine again.