ADHD : Deviation, not Disorder

I am diagnosed with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, ADHD. But every single letter that is used in the name for this this type of brain, makes me a little angry. After living with my ADHD devil for 27 years, I believe the name is completely wrong. Especially the last D of the name, the one that … Continue reading ADHD : Deviation, not Disorder

The truth about the symptoms

When I search for information on ADHD symptoms, I keep finding the same list, a sum-up of all the things ADHD brains suffer from, impulsiveness, disorganization, poor time management, problems focussing, trouble multitasking, excessive activity, poor planning, low frustration tolerance, frequent mood swings, problems completing tasks, hot temper, trouble coping with stress… When I look at this list I see the things that are mostly visible to the world around me, the things that frustrate neurotypical brains about ADHD brains, the things that make ADHD brains different and unappreciated in everyday life, for other people. For sure the symptoms on this list bothered me, but they are not the things that are causing the everyday trouble I’m experiencing because of my ADHD.

After 27 years of living with myself and my ADHD I know I have these symptoms, I know how I have to handle them, how I can, and have, changed things in my life to deal with these symptoms. For me the real struggle, the real fight with my ADHD is not fighting these symptoms, it is in how both ADHD and the fight with ADHD changed me, how the symptoms had an effect on my life and personality, and how I am shaped by this effect rather than by the actual symptoms. In this blog I want to write about what this general list of ADHD symptoms has given me, and what it has taken from me. How managing the symptoms meant giving away some parts of myself I did like, and gaining some parts that I’m not happy about.


Almost two and a half years ago I found myself in the most difficult place I have ever been, alone at home, going crazy because of my own thoughts, unable to function in the life I had made for myself. I described it as being in a deep, scary and extremely black hole. Life was … Continue reading Bye!

ADHD and Sex – Balance Between Obsession and Many Distractions

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, ADHD, causes a range of symptoms like being distracted, impulsive and unorganised. However, a life with an ADHD brain comes with much more than the well known general list of symptoms. Although ADHD presents itself differently in each brain, the struggles never limit themselves to the inability to sit still. I believe … Continue reading ADHD and Sex – Balance Between Obsession and Many Distractions

The Secret Damage of ADHD

Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 13 I started writing because I wanted to talk about the truth, the real experience of a life with an ADHD devil inside your brain. The reason to start this blog was the lack of information regarding my own struggles, a lot of what the internet has to offer … Continue reading The Secret Damage of ADHD

ADHD and gaming

Although ADHD symptoms are presented different in girls than in boys, for me there is one aspect that makes me fit the stereotype boy with ADHD. I am a gamer. I own a wii, an x-box, a playstation and my laptop and phone are filled with games. Everyday I spend at least one hour playing … Continue reading ADHD and gaming

Lack of emotional compassion

My therapy had started, focussing on self-compassion. I have to learn how to love myself, how to listen and how to be more compassionate and sweet with the person I am. The first exercise I have to complete is writing myself a letter, a letter in which I tell myself how the thing that I’m … Continue reading Lack of emotional compassion

Peak – end rule

“When More Pain is Preferred to Less: Adding a Better End” is an interesting 1993 study, providing groundbreaking evidence for the so-called peak-end rule. The research contained two different versions of one unpleasant experience:1. Subjects submerge a hand in 14°C water for 30 seconds.2. Subjects submerge their other hand again in 14°C water for 60 … Continue reading Peak – end rule

Sadness Dysregulation

I have always had a problem with my emotions, mostly with my sadness. Due to my ADHD and the impact it had on my life, I don’t allow myself to feel sad, and I try to cover it up. Yesterday I completely fucked up and the sadness-replacing-anger took over destroying everything.

ADHD and Emotional Rejection

One evening when I was about four years old, we were going to eat lasagna, my favorite dish back then. I helped my grandmother with the cooking and I spend 30 minutes staring at the over, waiting till my favorite meal would finally be ready to eat. Then, the oven beeped and my father opened … Continue reading ADHD and Emotional Rejection

Ritalin – The bad things

In order to control my ADHD devil I take Ritalin or Methylphenidate. This medication gives me the opportunity to take over control, to set goals and focus on them, to not get distracted by everything and reduce the chaos that is always present inside my brain. I see Ritalin as an eraser, a tool I … Continue reading Ritalin – The bad things

ADHD and control – The dangers that come from feeling out of control all the time

This is a hard one to talk about, a difficult one, even for myself to understand. ADHD brains tend to be impulsive, they don’t have control or schedules, they just do things without thinking, do whatever it is that comes to their minds. And this is true, also for me. But in the 27 years … Continue reading ADHD and control – The dangers that come from feeling out of control all the time

ADHD means black or white

My ADHD brain makes me do things 100 percent or not at all. The little devil either looses itself completely in something or decides it is not interesting enough and won’t spend even a second trying to do it. The ADHD devil makes everything black and white, there are no shades of grey, no balance, … Continue reading ADHD means black or white

ADHD and insecurity

People that don’t know me that well see me as a person that is confident, strong and in control of her life, but when I’m at home, the real me comes out, I see a person that is the complete opposite. I wear a mask, a non ADHD mask, but when this comes off, the … Continue reading ADHD and insecurity