Hyperfocus on a relationship?

I was googling about having a relationship while having ADHD. I noticed that for me, once I finally started a relationship after 7 months of dating, it started making me insecure, overthinking, demanding, and slowly I was becoming the person that I fought hard to not be anymore. But most of the google search result of: ” relationship ADHD” where surprisingly about how to deal with a partner that has ADHD. So I started reading this, I mean if they will explain how my partner could deal with me I should also be able to learn how to deal with myself, I thought. But I was a bit confused by what I was reading, most of the articles I found where about how to be ok with the things people with ADHD do, or mainly can not do. I saw sum ups of ADHD problems, how we can not do normal things, how we can not concentrate, how we are impatient, chaotic, anxious, sensitive, emotional, fidgety and on the plus side passionate. And the lesson in each of these was to be ok with these symptoms and pity us, because we have to live with it more then they do.

I was shocked. I mean, here I am trying to become a better person, be stronger then what the ADHD genes made me, but according to google I shouldn’t be fighting, everyone that is in my life should just deal with my ADHD brain. I got a bit angry, do people with ADHD just not want to talk about the disbalance that comes from romance, or am I just weird for overanalyzing these feelings and questioning them? So I started looking for things particularly about the beginning of the relationship. Google didn’t agree with me on this topic either. In most results I read that the beginning of a relationship with someone and ADHD is usually fine, that the partner will be the centre of attention and this in the easy part, after this, the annoying part of ADHD kicks in.

But I hate this part! I don’t understand how it can be ok the be obsessed with someone. I do get people with ADHD obsess over things, I do the same, I do things too much or not at all. But this is with things, with hobbies, with the stuff I buy, the way I eat, not with people. At one point I had over 60 plants in my house, I turned from meat eater to complete vegan because I’m lactose intolerant, I switch every 6 months from 0 exercising to almost every day, I get it, hyperfocus, we can’t control it. But I would never want to hyperfocus on a person, and I never thought I would, but I kind of did and it makes me angry at myself. I always tell myself to seek happiness in myself, in things I can control for myself, and other people should not have an effect on my mood. Off course I don’t work like that, I mean, I absorb all peoples emotions, even if they just pass by on the street I can feel them if I’m not protected by my headphones. But there is a limit, and passing this is giving in to the ADHD, which I don’t want to do too often.

So did google help me? No. If it did anything it made me more upset, about how it seems you’re doomed when you are diagnosed. But because it did not help me, it did teach me something positive. I think that because I feel that something I don’t want is happening I’m already some steps in the direction of controlling it. Although I’m not sure how to control everything yet, I trust that if I keep analyzing my feelings, and understand them, I’ll slowly start learning how to give them direction, and maybe even control them. Off course not everything, I want to remain human, I want to experience emotions, but just in a more balanced and filtered way.

By boyfriend is now with his parents, that live in Greece. Him not being close is one of the main reasons I started having extreme emotions, but also immediately showed me that I had put too much value in him. Over the past few days I managed (not completely off course) to stop my hyperfocus on him but look at myself, write, cuddle with my rabbit, clean the house, enjoy the sun, and probably much more if I wouldn’t have been in such a deep ADHD mess this week because of the lack of medication. Now the big question is, what will happen tomorrow? I’m still not myself, I’m still not fully in control, but he will come back, and I have to stay close to myself.

One thought on “Hyperfocus on a relationship?

  1. Thanks Anna, I agree completely. I’m coming out of a marriage where during counselling my ex ‘wished’ my ADHD away. Reflecting on my relationship, past relationships, and even friendships, I hyperfocus on individuals. And when I struggle to contain my emotions and not become overbearing I feel like an addict needing a hit. My ex loved the hyperfocus at the beginning as I did everything for her. But when my mental health spiralled, she wasn’t there to temporarily support the new norm. Relationships should be about equals and compromise, sharing, and trust, etc. But google isn’t helping by making us feel like we’re already starting at a disadvantage. Given how much we give of ourselves to others, and at times that’s beyond our control, where’s the compassion and giving some kindness back to us? I wish you well in your journey, regardless. ADHDOrca.

    Liked by 1 person

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