Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 6
I am starting the feel a happiness I have never felt before, a joy related to recognizing the true me. It is like I’m finally able to discover, and be, the person that has been hiding inside me all my life but was never able to surface. I feel like I met a long lost friend, someone I completely forgot about or didn’t knew existed, but her sudden appearance brightens up my entire life.
I am my own long lost friend and the more time I spend with her, the more trust I get in myself and the process I’m going through. The real me gives me comfort and hope, she gives me energy and brightness and she makes me trust myself. Every day I’m getting to know this person a little better, every day I spend a little more time with her and this made me realize that she is what I have been looking for all this time.
What do I look like?
When I meet my true self, life becomes a little more easy, things make more sense. She knows what I want, she knows what is good for me and I’m no longer overthinking everything I do. The real me can listen to my true feelings and act in a way that will provide me with what I need. The real me is a person that is truly connected to herself and able to balance her life.
The real me doesn’t have walls or dictionaries, she is open about everything and able to share her needs and wishes with herself and the people around her. She is able to enjoy the little things in life and focus on the positive things around her. The real me is grateful, loving, impulsive, and happy, she is strong than the negativity I experience without her, she knows how to deal with struggles and pain and the knows how to enjoy life.
What I notice when I’m becoming my true self, is that this happens when I allow myself to stop fighting my impulses, when I stop overthinking every thing I do and when I’m able to just let go of expectations and rules. The real me has ADHD, but she doesn’t fight it, she doesn’t try to hide her symptoms and because of this, her ADHD is express in a completely different way than the one I’m familiar with.
I am starting to recognize that once I’m able to allow myself to have ADHD, once I’m able to accept the devil’s presence, things become much easier. I’m starting to realize that I’ve been fighting against something that doesn’t really need to remain hidden, my ADHD impulses aren’t as bad as I always thought they would be, they are actually quite nice. ADHD, the devil, the angel, everything is allowed to exist inside me, they don’t make me a bad person and fighting them is increasing the struggles of living with an ADHD brain.
ADHD has always given me impulses, which I have been resisting my whole life, believing they were not allowed to exist. I not once questioned myself if I was doing the right thing, I just believed that this part of me was not good enough and should remain hidden. But I start to discover that these impulses don’t make me a bad person, they are actually a nice part of myself.
What happens when I stop fighting, is that I gain creativity and physically release my energy. I dance around the house, I do little jumps while walking, I spontaneously hug my boyfriend, I start drawing or rearrange my furniture and cupboards. My impulses don’t make me do bad things, instead, they are a natural way of dealing with the ADHD devil inside me.
The extra physical activity, the creativity or the different way of arranging things in my house are actually a way to decrease the chaos that comes with an ADHD brain. My impulses are a sign of my body telling me what I need to do to prevent the devil from taking over. Giving in doesn’t show the world I’m incapable of being normal, it makes me feel more normal, more in control of myself.
Difference is normal
I have ADHD, but expressing the differences that come from having this type of brain doesn’t make me look bad or incapable, they just show a difference, they show that I am different. I grew up with the believe that differences are always bad, that everything and everyone should be normal, but now I discover what difference feels like and I can no longer agree with this believe. There is no harm in being different, being different is normal, it’s reality.
We are all a product of thousands of years of genetic progression. Thousands of generations before us have mixed and adapted our genes to create the diverse and unique beings we are today. It doesn’t matter what you believe about the start of our world, it doesn’t matter if we started with Adam and Eve, if we are a product of evolution or all hatched from some sort of cosmic egg, it doesn’t matter how we started to exist, our existence started thousands of years ago and during all these years faith, or chance, has created the unique mixture of DNA that has created us. We wouldn’t have become the way we are, we wouldn’t live in the world we know, if the adaptation of our genes wouldn’t have made us all different and unique human beings.
Our world is created by our differences and these differences are what made us able to evolve and invent, to improve in life and create the world that we know today. Differences are what make us curious and interested, what make us move forward and come up with things that can help us in life. No invention was made because the inventor was ok with being normal, he or she wanted something different, something better and this is why he or she started to look for something better.
Change is what brought us to the world we know, new ways, new things and new believes are what created the life we are living right now. Change is what moves us forward and forward means doing something different, differences are normal because they make improves and improving is what being human is about. We can not improve by holding on to what is normal, differences are needed to move forward. We all remember, or heard about, how strange we thought the first mobile phones were, how weird we believed it was to watch at other people on a screen or how we figured an encyclopedia could never be replaced by something so vague as the internet, but look at us now with our smartphones, different has become the normal.
Embrace your own normal
To evolve as a person, to grow up and stay connected to yourself, change is needed and change simply comes with being different. Our history has made all of us unique and in order to benefit from this uniqueness we have to let go of what we believe is normal. When we are our true selves, when everyone is different, we are actually all normal. Holding on to an image of what we should be like prevents us from experiencing the ease that comes from our natural way of being. Our differences in DNA shouldn’t be suppressed, hidden behind a mask of what we think we should look like. We shouldn’t live according to how we believe we are expected to live, we are all unique, so there is no standard, there is no image to follow.
ADHD means that my normal is different from the normal of a neurotypical brain, but there are also major differences between neurotypicals brains itself. Simply everyone is different, and my ADHD different is as much allowed to exist as a neurotypical version of different. Hiding parts of yourself, being afraid of showing things that are a part of you, is just a pointless fight against your true self. Things don’t disappear when you hide them, they will always remain, and fighting will just make their presence more painful.
Being different is a good thing when your differences are your own normal. We are all allowed to be ourselves, no matter what label has been put on our brain. If I feel the need to jump over the curbs in the street, if I feel the need to take a little sprint down the stairs to “win” from the stranger next to me and if I feel the need to use the swing on a children’s playground, I am allowed to do this. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me different, but with this differences I am able to prevent my brain from negativity and chaos, I am able to prevent myself from getting lost in the black magic of my ADHD devil and it makes my life much more enjoyable and easy.
I now realize how me fighting the ADHD devil every single day for 2 decades, was something I should have never done. The devil is a part of me, ADHD is a part of me, and everything is just allowed to exist, allowed to come out. Differences are not supposed to be concealed, they are a part of our existence and we should adore them for giving us our own unique superpowers, for creating our own particular way of being, for making us all rare creatures that together can create improvement and change, for giving us our exclusive and interesting existence in this world.