Reshaping my new future

Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 5

I know that I’ll not be able to return to the life I used to have, not anytime soon and maybe never. Corona changed our world and no matter how much I progress in my mental health, I will not reach my old normal life. Until now, I have been chasing an illusion, I’ve been reaching for an imaginary and impossible goal while hating myself for not getting closer to something that simply doesn’t exist anymore. I feel bad about something that has become impossible, for everyone, all over the world.

COVID-19 has taken away our normal, it has changed our lives completely. However, I was blaming the effects of the global lockdown on my own mental breakdown. I was unable to see how this virus is changing everything we used to know, unable to recognize that part of my current daily struggle has become a global normal in the past few months.

New common-humanity

Yesterday, I realized that Corona has changed our definition of a normal life. I realized how I should reshape my expectations of what the healed version of me will look like. The lockdown is affecting everyone and I should realize that returning to normal is not feasible in the current situation, not only for me, but for the whole world.

The struggle of loneliness, of feeling trapped at home and the increasing anxiety towards the outside and other people is not my own. This struggle has become part of current human life, every person in this world right now is affected by the changes due to Corona in some degree, we’re all connected through it and we’re definitely not alone in our suffering. It is not my fault that I get out less, this is not anyone’s fault, it has just become a big part of the current human reality, a struggle shared by everyone.

Letting go

Blaming myself, or determining my progress by something that has become impossible, is pointless and unfair to myself. I never blame myself when it starts raining, because I know that I have nothing to say about the weather. It’s useless to blame myself for something I can not control, but isn’t blaming myself for not going to the gym while my gym is closed exactly the same thing? The same goes for the office, my grandma or a bar. I am not to blame, I am not unable to do these things, it has become impossible for me to do these things because they don’t exist anymore, because the Corona virus has closed all these places for me.

The things I wasn’t able to do because of my breakdown have now become reality for everyone, something we all have to learn how to live with. It’s time for me to let go of the idea of going back, let go of the image of my old life and let go of the expectations I have of what getting better means. Time to stop chasing an illusion, time to take away the blame about something I will never be able to control, time to let go of the past.

Recognize reality

I’ve been holding on to the illusion of going back so strongly that I’ve been unable to notice the big steps I’ve already taken. My constant comparison between now and then has covered my vision on my progress in a negativity that is completely pointless, completely unreal and prevented me from noticing the extreme amount of positivity that is returning.

Yes. I am still not going to the places I want to go, I’m still not connected to the world in the way I used to be, but so many other things have changed for the good. In the beginning of my breakdown I was crying all the time, I was overwhelmed by everything, the chaos inside me was extreme and everything was too much for me. I was barely able to do one thing a day and the rest of my time I spent on my couch, crying and writing.

I was a complete mess, but right now, I am nothing like that. I started to experience joy, I have days I just feel good and I’ve regained a lot of energy. I still cry sometimes, but just a couple of times a week for a short period of time. Tears are no longer a big part of my days and when I cry, I now know exactly what I cry about. I am more connected to my true feelings than I’ve ever been and I’m even able to recognize the amount of energy I have and plan my days according to this. I have improved a lot.

Focus on the possible

Yes. I am currently disconnected from the world, but I’ve never been more connected to myself and this is what I should focus on, this is what I should celebrate. My disconnection from the world, my loneliness, is just a logical result of social-distancing, something I can not change. But the connection to myself is something I can, and am, changing, and I’m doing a great job at this.

Some things, especially in this time, are just the way they are, and fighting against them is completely useless. What we should do is direct our focus towards the things we can control, the things we can change. There is no point in looking back, grieving over the life we used to have and wishing everything would go back to normal. We should accept that we’ll have to live according to a new normal, and we should start reshaping our lives in this new world.

Acknowledge the good

What did Corona give me? What opportunities did I gain from the disappearance of the world we used to live in? What is happening these months is not all bad, and acknowledging the good changes will help us to get through these difficult times.

For me, Corona has a big positive influence on the relationship I have with my boyfriend. We have never been more connected that we are right now, going through all of this together, has brought us closer together than ever. Corona gave us the opportunity to truly connect, to get even closer with each other and this is something we will benefit from for the rest of our lives.

The state of my office due to Corona, provides me with time. I notice how me getting back to work in the current situation, is something no one really knows how to deal with. My employer and my company’s doctor have no clue how to handle a re-integration at home and this provides me with extra time. There is less pressure to get back, so instead of holding on to the idea of getting back, I should see this as a freedom, an opportunity to take this time to truly reconnect with myself without anything else to think about.

And then there are the things I’m able to do with the extra time. Writing, cuddling with my bunny, creating a little paradise in my garden, painting… I have time for so many things I wished to do all my life and now I should truly enjoy these things. COVID-19 provides me with time, with a calmness that gives me room for peace and joy, and this is what is really important.

Never go back

The way to get through my breakdown-lockdown combination is to stop looking back, to stop chasing the illusion of what life should look like, what it looked like before. Back doesn’t exist anymore, besides, back has proven to be wrong for me. Back is not where I want to go, I want to go forward, and this forward will be completely different from what I know but much better.

Stop looking back will make me able to see the brightness I feel in the right now, to notice that the person I am becoming is actually pretty great, that the way I start to know myself and spend my days is actually something I’ve always wanted. I have gotten the chance to truly go forward, and back doesn’t have a place in this. Never going back means that I’ll go somewhere better, towards a better me, a new future in which I can finally be my true self and this is exactly what I need.

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