Remove your thought-soldiers

Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 7

The moment I started my writing journey was a dark one. I didn’t take my medication for over two weeks, I didn’t eat for a week and the night I started writing I was sitting in the dark, on a couch covered in rabbit pee still wearing my coat and hat, completely lost in the chaos inside my mind.

Day 0 of this blog was the darkest, most lonely, day I have had in my adult life. I was completely lost in the negativity and chaos that had been building up inside my mind and I had no clue what I could do to start feeling better, to get out. I was completely lost and overwhelmed, exhausted by the mental chaos and I decided to start writing about my fight with my ADHD devil, hoping that writing would give me the power to make me win this fight again.

I created the chaos

When I look back on this day, I can see the extreme amount of pain I was experiencing. It was the beginning of the reconnection with my true self, my true emotions and feelings, but I was unable to deal with the sadness that has surfaced. It scared me that I started to feel things but instead of giving in to the appearing feelings I was fighting against everything I felt.

However, the fight against my feelings was what caused the extreme amount of chaos inside me. What I didn’t realize then, but clearly notice now, is that my chaos wasn’t in the first place a product of my devil. I created this chaos myself, by suppressing the feelings and emotions that desperately tried to find a way out.

My army of thoughts

By fighting the ADHD devil, by fighting myself, I asked my mind to go against every thought that appeared. I asked my mind to remove every sad or negative thought that accord, to turn them into positive things, but as a result, I created so many thoughts that I got lost between them, and lost all control.

Not my ADHD, or lack of medication, created chaos inside me. I did, by not allowing the things that where there. A mental fight against myself means I need an army of thoughts to win, but once this army of positivity collides with the negativity that exists, new thoughts are created. Soon I’ll have too many thought-soldiers fighting inside my mind, and I will loose any control over them. I will become the observer of a mental battlefield in which thoughts keep appearing with every collision, without any way to create order in the ongoing chaos that comes with war.

Make peace

Fighting is never a good thing, especially when your opponent is yourself. I wrote before about how I read about how suffering = pain x resistance, and this explains why fighting only makes things worse, since fighting == resistance. I was feeling pain, but by fighting this pain I was increasing my chaos and my suffering from this pain. If I would have allowed the pain to exist, I would have been sad, but there wouldn’t have been chaos, I wouldn’t have felt as lost as I did.

It took me about 3 months to figure our that a mental fight against anything is completely pointless, that a mental war won’t solve any problems My fight against the existence of my ADHD has proven to make my life more difficult than it was supposed to be. Now I’ve made peace with my ADHD, I no longer use my army of thoughts to fight agains my emotions and although this results in a shower of tears once in a while, I don’t feel anger or chaos, I don’t feel lost anymore. Once I started to allow my emotions, they can just be, until they disappear by themselves shortly afterwards.

Just allow

Stopping the fight has created a new kind of calmness, a relieve. It is comforting to realize that by just allowing the things that pop-up inside my mind, they will disappear by themselves. I finally feel I can trust my own brain and I no longer have to waist my energy on trying to control what’s going on inside it. My thoughts might be strange, distracting or too extreme sometimes, but they are able to handle themselves, my army of thoughts, my mental war is not needed to gain any control, I don’t even need to be in control.

The devil’s magic is not as dark as I always expected it to be. He creates distractions, thoughts that might not appear inside neurotypical brains, but these thoughts get as strong as I allow them to be. When I tell you you can not touch your ear right now, you’ll probably start feeling the need to touch it, at least I would. The longer you try not to touch your ear, the more you start to think about this action. You’ll start to overthink the reason behind my request, you’ll start to wonder when you touched your ear for the last time, if you regularly touch your ear and probably your ear starts to get itchy, asking you to touch it because you can’t.

Not being allowed something gives your mind the opportunity to create a chaos around this something, and the only way to release yourself from this chaos is to allow yourself to touch your ear. The same goes for thoughts. Once you simply allow yourself the have the thoughts that appear, they will disappear peacefully, while trying to fight or hide them will only increase their strength and the chaos related to them.

My mindfulness

Giving in to the thoughts that appear inside my mind is a kind of mindfulness that works for me. Often I try to meditate, but sitting still to follow my breath is something that doesn’t really work well with my ADHD brain. Instead, I just try to accept whatever it is that pops up inside my mind during the day. I accept my thought to be, without judging them or without trying to connect them with the past and the future. I just let everything be, in the right now, exactly as they are, and within minutes they will disappear and I will continue my day.

Maybe this is what mindfulness looks like in ADHD brains, stopping to fight the distractions that occur during the day. I’m writing this outside, with people around my garden talking, drilling and working out. Before, I would get frustrated, I would hear all the distractions around me and build up an anger inside I believed would help me to stay focussed. But at one point, this anger would burst out and I would move inside, angry with my neighbors and too frustrated to write anything for a while.

What do I do today? Every time I hear a sound that catches my attention, I let myself be distracted by it, I look up, acknowledge the distraction and within seconds it disappears and I continue writing without any frustration or anger. By allowing myself a few seconds of distraction, the thing that distracted me vanishes and I am able to stay calm and keep doing what I’m doing. I’m sitting here now for 2 hours and there is no annoyance towards the distractions around me, I feel fine even though I’m getting distracted almost every 10 minutes, there is no harm in these distractions. In the end, I’m able to finish my writing, enjoy the morning sun and keep the energy that I would have otherwise waited on anger for the shopping and cycling I have to do after I finish this post.

Accepting ADHD

Fighting my ADHD, fighting my distractions and emotions is completely pointless. My brain gets distracted easily, that’s a fact, but when I give in to these distractions they will only take a few seconds of my time, while fighting would drain all my energy and result in being unable to do anything. Living with an ADHD brain means that distractions are a part of me, no matter how hard I’ll fight them, they will just remain, there is no way to win the fight.

By accepting my ADHD and the symptoms that come with this type of brain, I can create peace and space inside my mind for what is really important. When I allow the impulses that derive from my ADHD, they will disappear without any chaos or energy loss. When I just give in to what my mind comes up with I will the suffering I experience will be minimal. I have to trust and allow my ADHD brain, my devil, my angel and myself, everything will be great if I just stop fighting, bury my army of thoughts and allow everything to be as it is. Winning doesn’t require a fight, instead the way to win requires love and acceptance.

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