The state of complete semi-controlled chaos continues. I experience control over my thoughts, I can follow them, I know what they are about, but they keep moving too fast. Too many connections are made in my brain and I can’t filter enough to not be surprised by everything that’s in my surrounding, distracted by anything that’s around me. In a way I love myself like this, I’m happy and impulsive, I enjoy how little, normal things can surprise me and how my brain is able to come up with funny answers to everything. This is the state in which I’m most creative, most social and most happy in a way. However I’m not in a creative process at work, and I still am unable to focus on even the simplest things like making tea or feeding my rabbit.
In my work I’m kind of free to decide what I do each day. Off course I work on a project with a deadline but the order in which I do things I can decide myself. There has been one thing on my to do list, that is so boring and repetitive that I have been postponing it for months. It is basically doing a combination of 20 clicks, using 2 shortcuts and moving things with the same distance, and then repeating this more then 100 times. I have been working on a script that would do this for me but since my brain started working overtime I stopped losing trust in ever finishing this. So today I decided that this might be the perfect task for my current mental state. Since I don’t need to think, my thoughts can wonder and I just had to find a way to repeat the same thing over and over again, and focus a little, because one part of the process was a little different each time.
I wrote a how-to, select this, move this, align this, change this etc, about the whole process. I put one on my left screen, next to the 3D view of the model, on the right screen I had the floorplan and as well the how to list, in front of me just above my keyboard I put another one, and the last two I put at the bottom edge of both screens, below the view I was using to draw. I started with the second one (the first one I had used to come up with the proper how-to and had taken me about an hour), I followed the list, my thoughts would wonder, I would figure out what the last step was, start the list from there and try to finish. But off course I forgot to remember the step I just finished, and I figured I needed just one more tool to get me through the day. So I started color-coding the different steps, and linked this color code to the model display, so now from the color of the elements I could see exactly at which step on my how-to list I was. I think I used my hyperfocus there a little, I mean I wasn’t able to remember a few numbers but I did come up with a way for the model to show me which number I was at? Pretty impressive. And since these colors showed up in the model I actually started working. Without having to be focussed my eyes recognized the color and I knew what I had to do next. Sometimes I would forget that I was working and I would be chatting with colleagues or getting stuck in youtube or google, but as soon as I saw the colors I was able to continue, and in one day I did about 80 percent of what I had to do in total.
I am really proud of myself. The creative part of my ADHD brain really came up with a way to help me with the chaotic part. Today showed that I know myself, that I know how to manipulate my surroundings in order for me to be able to whatever needs to be done and that I can be in control, even when I am not.