When I came back from 2 weeks without my medication and my boyfriend was at the beginning of his week in Greece I got a little crazy. I felt things, I told myself to not feel them, then I couldn’t not feel them so I started of thinking of ways to make sure I would stop feeling them but then I felt them again and this way I kept overthinking and overfeeling and getting lost.
Not the greatest time in my life, especially since mental walls had been built in between me and my work, gym and friends, and my brain was connecting things at the speed of light. I lost it on this day. Well almost lost it, the day that came two days after this day was the day I completely lost myself, but this day I was close. But I wrote something to my boyfriend that I never send him, explaining the loop of thoughts I was experiencing about him. For me it shows a sad struggle, between the person I want to be, and the person that’s taken over by a little devil that wants to make me feel sad. On the other hand I’m a little proud, that I can be so far into my ADHD devil brain, but still try to reason with it, try to be stronger than what my first emotions tell me to do. But to be honest, I’m definitely not proud of what was going on inside my brain.
I notice that I think about you a lot and that in a way it’s hard to be here when you’re so far away and I have no one to make sure I don’t have food all over my face or wear my clothes inside out. I hate it that I feel like this. I mean, I am my own person with my own life and less than 2 months ago I lived exactly the same as what I am supposed to do now, and I was happy about it.
This makes me feel like I’m losing myself, or that I’m too much like depending on you or something. It might, in a way, be a normal feeling that is exploding in my ADHD brain right now, but I think about you and I miss you and I’m not sure how to deal with this feeling, it’s new for me.
Because it has only been a short time and I never had this feeling before I start thinking that I might be stupid to even be feeling this feeling. I mean, you keep saying this is just a learning process, but here I am missing you, I shouldn’t feel like this. And then I think, but what if you like me much less then I like you. I can understand, since my fireworks are not really enjoyable, but it would make me even more stupid to feel this.
And then I think, I have to stop fireworking, because it will just increase the chance of you liking me less than I like you. But forcing my fireworks to stop just makes them worse and I start looking for ways to make you leave me alone. Because if you wouldn’t like me, I wouldn’t miss you and I wouldn’t like you and I couldn’t be stupid for liking you more than you like me.
But then I think again about how I miss you, how I shouldn’t miss you, how I’m not even sure if you’ll miss me, and the extremely stupid way in which my brain works sometimes. And then I think you probably don’t even like me, you’re just pretending until you’ll get back and give me back my socks. I mean, I hate this part of me, and I think I shouldn’t bother anyone else with this. But you know this part, so you should hate it as much as I do, only you have the opportunity to get away from it.
And then I feel relieved, you can’t like me. So I can go back to normal, without feelings.
But then I notice a bread crumb on my lip. Something that wouldn’t have been here if you would be here with me. And everything starts over again.
I think this is all just a weird reaction of a feeling I don’t know, but I’m just not sure how to deal with it. Missing a person (that will come back) is new for me, like how everything with you is new for me. I should find a way to deal with these new feelings but it’s hard, and since my brain works either black or white, with no grey, having no contact with you seems the solution. However, then my brain would probably be stuck in another firework lighted loop.
So. I’m sorry for annoying you with this, and I also should stop saying sorry. I’m saying this too much, but to be honest I say it to myself even more often, about myself. Now I forgot what I wanted to say. Ah. Yes. I’m sorry. I’m a little lost now. But I want you to have a nice time and not worry about me, fireworks shouldn’t travel more than 2000 km. I did learn that usually I find a way to deal with things. So I’ll have to start looking for the headphones to missing you. I don’t want to bother you with this since it’s part of my daily struggles in life, but by opening up to you I discovered I didn’t find a solution for everything. Yet.