Self-Hate Turned me into a Monster

Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 18

Yesterday’s post touched a sensitive nerve in me. While I was writing about my returning laughter, I suddenly realized what I had been doing to myself, how I was the one that took away my own ability to lice for so many years. It hurt me to realize how my parents or my ADHD played just a small part in the person I became, it hurt me to understand that I have been the one that changed things for the worse, that I have been the only one responsible for a lot of my suffering.

For sure things would have been different for me if I had parents who would have accepted me as a child, things might have even been different if I wouldn’t have a ADHD devil inside me, but these things are not what got me to my breakdown. The way I choose to deal with these parts of myself is what brought me here, the fact that I settled for unhappiness, the fact that I never looked for help or wanted something better for myself is what was the real problem, and this is a difficult realization.

I understand I had a very rough childhood, I understand that the first 18 years of my life I was just doing whatever I needed to survive and I accept every bad choice I made till then because I know that the girl that made them was barely holding on. The girl I used to be was abused, mentally, physically and sexually, and in school she was misunderstood and bullied. Her life, my life back then, was extremely hard and when I think about the girl I was, I can only be proud of her, proud for getting through all those dark days.

But then I turned 18, I got my own place and moved to a different city. This should have been the point in my life where things would change for the good, a fresh start, an escape from all the pain I used to live with and an opportunity to become my true self. However, the opposite happened, not the pain disappeared, instead, the strong girl inside me vanished and I became something else, something new I believed was much better than the girl I used to be.

What I remember from this period, is that I hated the girl I was as a child. I wrote a (kind of) book about my childhood back then, but when I read it this morning, I was shocked by the amount of hate and blame I used to describe myself with. I was far from able to see the strength that had guided me through all those terrible years before, instead I felt shame and anger for the things I had done to survive.

I wrote about how the girl I used to be was too vulnerable, how she was searching for acceptance of others too much while she should have known she would never be accepted. I wrote how this girl showed her weakness to too many people, how she was too emotional and didn’t have any control over her feelings. I wrote how it made sense that no one liked her, because she was a terrible person, a worthless weak and crazy girl. I wrote how everything she did was shameful and I even blamed this girl for being raped, how abuse was a necessary punishment for her extreme weakness and vulnerability.

At this point in my life, I was disgusted by the girl I used to be and this was the beginning of the self-hate that changed my life. Off course my parents and my ADHD diagnosis played a part in this as well, but they weren’t the cause, they just strengthened my believe that something needed to change, they were just prove that the girl I hated so much was really not allowed to exist. I was the one that came up with the idea that I was a bad person that wasn’t allowed, it was all me.

My hate and blame towards the girl I used to be, reshaped her into my imaginary monster I have been fighting all this time. She was emotional, vulnerable and impulsive, so I needed to be the complete opposite, strong and well organized. She loved other people but this caused her too much pain, so I had to live alone, without letting anyone close enough to affect me. She did things out of how they would make her feel, so I should only do things I am supposed to do, no matter what I feel like. She did shameful things out of impulses so I should overthink everything I do to prevent myself from making mistakes. The girl I used to be had become the image of everything I didn’t want to be and I needed to be the opposite in everything.

I am the real reason I no longer recognize the person I see in the mirror. I turned myself into something that did not allow the real me and this might be even the reason I stopped looking at myself, afraid to see the girl I could not accept, knowing that she was still hiding inside me. I created a fake reality in which I was lonely and unhappy but not once did I figure I could have more, I never understood that I wasn’t living, until I recently saw the girl again and was confronted with everything I had lost and realized that I had done something incredibly bad to myself.

Until I moved out of my parent’s house there were still parts of me I tried to fight for, but instead of seeing my new start as an opportunity to stop fighting, to break free and be myself, I became my own biggest enemy. The hate I felt towards the girl I used to be, made me even more judgemental and critical than my parents had been. The shame of what life had been for me made me stop fighting for the truth and instead turned me into the person that hated her the most. The girl that was truly me became a monster and I made the original disappear completely.

I didn’t loose the real me because of my rough childhood, I lost her because of how I decided to be an adult and this is very difficult to admit. It’s hard to realize that I was still (partly) my true self until I became fully responsible for myself. It’s hard to realize that I was the only one that hated my true self enough to make her disappear completely. I became my own true enemy while everything I believed I was fighting was not more than small struggles I could have easily overcome.

I think this is the moment I can truly say “You are your own worst enemy”, since you are the only only one able to change yourself. No matter what other people might say or do to you, these words and actions can only harm you when you believe them. You decide how you live your life and how you feel living it. The girl I used to be wasn’t bad at all, she could have turned into an amazing person if I would have just been able to believe in her, if I wouldn’t have turned her into a monster.

I know today, that I could have never been happy in the life I used to live. There is no way to be happy without accepting everything about yourself. My constant hate and blame towards the girl I used to be prevented me from ever feeling good. No matter how much positivity surrounded me, the idea of the monstrous girl inside me covered everything in darkness. Nothing could have ever been good enough because I believe the real me wasn’t good at all.

Fortunately, I can look the girl I used to be in her beautiful green eyes again. I can see her strength, love and good. I understand her pain of being misunderstood for all those years, I accept everything she did and I feel so much compassion towards her, I am so proud of her. I start to see her in myself again, and I will do everything I can to help her grow up, to reunite us so we can be me and live the life we deserved all this time, a life of love, joy and happiness.

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