The Army of Chaos

Sometimes I just can not believe the people that are supposed to help me, the people that want me to get better and actually benefit from me getting better. I can not believe how many times I have to stand up for myself, explain myself, convince other people of what is good for me and how many fights I have to win. Sometimes I really think that the hardest part of getting better is dealing with the people that are actually supposed to help me to get better, those people are the most tiring, pushing and pulling me, not listening, assuming what is good, forcing me to do more than I can or should, overprotecting me or just forgetting that I am still not ok.

The people I’m talking about are in my office’s army of supporters, an overly complex and complicatedly big army of people that think they will help me to get back to work, an army that lacks any organization, communication or premeditation. The boss of the army is a someone in HR I have never met, the soldiers are a doctor, a health assessor, a case manager, a girl from HR, a department head, an associate and a project leader.

The problem with this army is that its soldiers don’t know each other, and if they do, they don’t communicate with each other about me. Instead they communicate through me. I have to tell the doctor what HR said, I have to tell HR what my project leader said, I have to tell my department head what the case manager said and I have to tell the health assessor what the associate said. This army of supporters is the worst oiled army I have ever seen, and way too often it does the opposite of supporting me, it makes me tired, frustrated and angry almost every time I have contact with any of the soldiers.

All of the soldiers are very good at blaming each other, and since they blame each other through me, they always make me feel like I am the blame. The doctor tells me something, I tell HR, HR asks me what the case manager says about it, the case manager tells me she doesn’t know because the doctor didn’t tell her in person, and when I tell HR that she said this, HR tells me that if the case manager doesn’t know I was probably wrong and than the project leader doesn’t agree to what the doctor told me because they did not hear from HR about it. As a result I’m getting lost and give up on what I wanted from them. I get confused and tired, and that’s exactly how I feel during any form of communication with this army of chaos.

Besides the disappearance of information, there are some things that quickly rushes through the whole army and come back at me through all of the soldiers. For example when the doctor put a limit to the amount of hours I add to my workweek. HR got scared I would fail to return to my old function, the health assessor based her verdict on this information, the case manager was afraid that I would push myself to hard and the department head believed I had made the doctor give me this limit because he himself wanted me to start working more days. They would never discuss this together off course, they would just all call me, one by one, while they failed to learn the whole story of the doctor, who was actually just talking about the coming two to three weeks, but because the whole army fails to follow his planning, the limit stands for two months and I will not be following his advice.

The last mistake this army is far too familiar with, is that they all want different things, they all push me towards their own goal, making me feel pulled in many directions at the same time. HR for example, wants me to work five days a week, eight hours a day. The project leader wants me on his project, daily, adjusting the amount of hours on the amount of work. The associate would prefer me going from deadline to deadline while taking holidays in between to remain sane. The case manager wants me to slow down and work less to get back to my old function while the doctor wants me to work a proper amount of hours doing an adjusted job and the health assessor wants a combination of these two… And I have to please all of them? I can’t, so I’m always disappointing at least one of the soldiers resulting in a fight the others will never show up for.

However, this army of chaos is in a way succeeding in getting me back to work. I want nothing more than to be done with it, to just be better or be sick, as long as I’m no longer in the middle of them. I tried ignoring them for a while, to just work and let myself be my only supporter in getting better. This worked quite well to be honest, I felt free while I was actually thriving at work. But yesterday they all found me, and next week I will have a meeting with all of them, individually off course. I can already feel the frustration they will bring upon me…

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