I feel like I want to scream. Every time I see the date or the time, every night I go to sleep and every morning I wake up I want to scream as hard as I can, for as long as my lungs will allow me. The need of screaming is getting stronger as the days of my breakdown as well as the lockdown pass, each day the feeling gets stronger, each day I feel more like I need to scream, my anger and hopelessness grow with each sunrise.
I hate the world we live in today, I hate the effect the COVID-19 virus has on us. I hate to be locked inside my house and I have that even the smallest things became impossible because of Corona. I hate how the timing of the virus prevents me from getting better, how it makes my breakdown even worse and how there doesn’t seem to be an end to it.
I have never felt more disconnected from the world, I have never felt more anxious to go outside or as lonely as I do these days. I spend my days inside my own house, sometimes with my boyfriend, but also alone. I don’t see any other people, I don’t socialize and I don’t do the things I used to love doing.
I feel trapped, stuck inside my own mind, which is a fucked up place these days. The lockdown is increasing my breakdown, it is preventing me from any connection with my real life, and although my days start to become less dark, my return to the world seems to get further and further away each day.
I want to scream so hard that I can stop the world, hard enough to stop time and disappear from this world. I want to scream because I feel so powerless about what is happening that I just don’t know what else to do. Screaming is the only thing that can express how lost I feel these days, however, the Corona virus won’t hear me, even screaming will be useless.
I haven’t worked for almost two moths now, I haven’t met friends, I haven’t worked out. But all these things I didn’t do just because of my breakdown. I do want to start small things, for a couple of weeks now I do want to try, I do want to get out but the lockdown makes is just not possible.
The COVID-19 virus prevents me from taking the small steps I want to take towards getting better. Even for a person without a breakdown, a person that is completely sane, the lockdown effects mental well-being, and since I was (or am) completely not sane, the effect is even greater.
In order to get better, I have to reconnect to myself as well as the world. However, there is no longer a world to connect with. In the Netherlands the lockdown just got extended with another 4 weeks. Meaning that for another month I will not be able to go to the office, the gym, the swimming pool, a bar or shopping. Another month of having no world to connect with.
I feel scared that I will drift too far off, that I will get too comfortable with being inside my own bubble, increasing the fear of leaving it. I have already been disconnected for too long, and the idea of one more month makes me angry and upset. How can I get better if I don’t know what being better looks like right now? How can I return to normal when normal no longer exists?
Corona has taken away my goal as well as the tools I need to get better. The darkness slowly disappears but with the returning light I can not do what I want. Instead of taking steps forward, I am bound to my house, while the light wants me to go outside and reconnect. First I wasn’t able to do thing because of how I felt and now Corona is preventing me from doing these things, however, I am the one feeling bad about not doing them.
At the end of each day, I feel bad about not having been able to do something with my light. Every day that passes seems the same as the one before and I blame myself for not going outside, even though this is a result of the lockdown. When I look at my breakdown-self just before the quarantine, I feel like I’ve gotten worse, more disconnected, and again I blame myself.
Maybe the lockdown is giving me an extreme self-compassion challenge, maybe it’s just the most extreme test and if I pass this, I will be ok for the rest of my life. But passing seems far aways, spending my days gardening, writing and gaming is nor what I expect from myself, however, learning to be ok with this might be the biggest lesson I have to learn right now.