I hold my own light

30 DAYS OF FEELING - DAY 4 I feel like my life has become all about my breakdown. At work my mental state is a topic in almost every conversation, my conversations with family and friends have become distant and with everything I keep doubting myself because of what I am going through. Sometimes I …

Continue To Pause

This morning I woke up feeling that it's time for a change, time to put myself back on track. For months I now, I have the feeling that time passes too quickly, that things change too fast and that I am slowly loosing myself again. I broke down in February, but with all the writing …

Period and Burnout

Loving the ADHD devil - DAY 27 I used to be blessed with very minor periods. I believe no one could figure out when I used to have them, every month I was able to keep working and go to the gym, even getting punched in the belly during boxing wasn't a problem. Besides a …

Anger Breakdown – The Moment I Finally Saw Myself

Loving the ADHD devil - DAY 24 I have been angry for many years, however, I have never been furious about anything that deserved real anger. I have never expressed true rage, an emotion that only recently started to surface, a new scary monster inside me. I am struggling with delayed legitimate anger since I …

I can not go back

I notice how my goal has been to get back to my old life, to connect to the world I used to be a part of before I broke down. But what I forgot, is that my breakdown is not the only thing keeping me from this world, the COVID-19 virus has damaged our world, …

Do Less, Be Better

My therapy has started two weeks ago. I have homework, books to read, courses to follow and things to try during my days. My therapy is mostly focussed on self-compassion and burn-out. I am supposed to be more kind to myself, do things I enjoy doing while reading about how to succeed in this. Two …

Screaming at Corona

I feel like I want to scream. Every time I see the date or the time, every night I go to sleep and every morning I wake up I want to scream as hard as I can, for as long as my lungs will allow me. The need of screaming is getting stronger as the …

A stressful blinding light

I start to cry less often, my energy seems to be returning and I notice how I start to look for contact with other people. A small step in the direction of becoming myself again. I am now able to do my groceries without reaching my limits, without getting completely overwhelmed and yesterday I was …

Little Joy – The start

Today, I can not stop thinking about the day this writing journey started for me, the day I started the expedition through my own mind by writing down the first words that described what was going on inside there. My first post, Little Joy was where it all started for me. Originally a text I …

Alone in the dark

I feel like shit. I can't stop crying, my heart can't slow down, I can't control the chaos and I can't figure out a way to brighten up the darkness that has taken over, completely. My boyfriend and I decided to start over again, from zero. To see each other less, so I can work …