30 DAYS OF FEELING - DAY 8 When was the last time I truly allowed myself to be taken over by my feelings? I guess I was about four years old, I had made lasagna with my grandparents who had left shortly after we put the food in the over to cook because my father … Continue reading I was allowed to cry over lasagna
30 DAYS OF FEELING - DAY 7 My mother played a big part in the creation of my emotional deprivation. She taught me to be hard, to hide, to not accept my own feelings and to doubt myself about everything. My mother's lack of interest in me fucked with my ability to show emotions, however, … Continue reading The rage of the stranger that is my father
I was a dreamy kid, happy to spend hours inside my own imagination, enjoying my own mind and the ideas that popped up in there, but for my family my mind was a taboo, something that should not have existed in the first place but should definitely not be shown to anyone. They could not … Continue reading Painting My Trauma – Not Good Enough
When we usually think about abuse, we think about the big things. A stepfather that can not keep his hands to himself, a mother covered in bruises, a skinny child in dirty clothes, bones that break too often, blood stained underwear, a black eye... Real trauma-causing abuse is often considered sexual or physical, big and … Continue reading There is No Escape, No Reason, No End – Continuity of Mild Abuse Causing Major Trauma
This is the first painting of a series in which I will try to visualize my trauma, my childhood pain, the loneliness and lack of warmth and love, the abuse and the rejection. My childhood wasn't fun, it wasn't fair. I had to grow up too soon, life got too hard too early and I … Continue reading Painting My Trauma – Safety
My only memories of safety from when I was young, are in my room, alone in the kitchen or in the garden. The little hammocks on the ceiling for my stuffed animals, my bunny circling around in the washing machine, or my imaginary friend Jack, who was always there for me when I had become … Continue reading Pain, Pride, Sadness and Anger
I feel trapped, locked up in a kind of mold my parents created for me when I was very young. A mold that does not fit at all, but a mold I adjusted myself to, a mold I filled up with sadness and emotional self-control to make it fit me. This mold has been there … Continue reading Trapped
I recently started schema therapy, also called lifetrap therapy. This kind of therapy believes that the problems we encounter in our adult life, often originate in our childhood, in the early connection or relationship with our parents. The way our parents choose to connect with us, is what we get familiar with, it's what we … Continue reading You Don’t But Your Parents!
Tomorrow is my birthday, a day that should be a happy day, a day to look forward to and enjoy. For me however, my birthday is the most depressing day of the year, a day I prefer to skip, stay in bed, hide underneath my sheets with multiple cakes and some ice cream, hiding from … Continue reading Happy Hurtday!
Loving the ADHD devil - DAY 29 My current therapy, as well as my 30 days of writing, are about to end. The past weeks I have learned how to love myself and how to love my ADHD devil again. I got a glimpse of what I can be like, an idea of how happiness … Continue reading My Next Step – Schema Therapy