DAYS OF FEELING – DAY 17
As a hypersensitive person I always considered myself to be good with other people. It is true that there are not many real friends around, due to the walls I have been hiding behind for years, but when it comes to making contact and getting to know a stranger I consider myself as a very social person, a person people can and do open up to, and a person able to connect quickly. Until the connection gets too strong and I start running.
When Corona was still just a nice summer beer and my grand was still in his chair reading the newspaper, I was surrounded by a lot of people. I had my colleagues to go out with on the weekends, I had the people from the bar around the corner to have meaningful conversations with, I had people I had met on the train of the metro who I met to go to a movie or a beach, I had neighbors, old friends from university and high school, people that worked close to my office, people I just met without having any connection with them… I was never alone and even though no one was as close to me as my boyfriend is today, I felt more connected than I do now.
I truly loved getting to know people as many different people as possible, more than I like being close to just a few. But when my grandpa passed away I wasn’t able to continue this, I felt so much anger inside me that I isolated myself from the rest of this world, I disappeared from the people that used to enjoy my presence, feeling like I had become too dark to be seen by the rest of this world.
But then I met my boyfriend and I started to open up a bit, I start my re-entry in this world. First I only opened up to him, but not long after I was amongst his friends as well and this made me loose my confidence in being good with other people.
My boyfriend has a small and close group of friends, four guys who came to this country together, studied together and found jobs together. The first time I met them in their natural habitat, their couch, I was shocked by their closeness. The four of them, together with two long-time girlfriends, lived as if they were one, six people in a house too small to fit all of them, closer than I have ever been to anyone, even my family.
My hypersensitivity made created my feeling of extreme discomfort in their house, I felt like an intruder. I noticed how they all had their own routines but how these were completely adjusted to each other. They all had their own place in the house and I felt like every corner I choose to sit down didn’t sinc with them, instead, I noticed how my presence fucked up their well-oiled machine of living.
Things got worse when COVID came and I simple didn’t fit in their house anymore while my boyfriend told me to just claim my space and live amongst them. But claiming meant taking someone else’s space and letting them adjust to my presence, which just didn’t feel right to me, if they don’t want to give a a spot in their house, than what right to I have to just take one? I became more and more aware of how my presence didn’t fit there, I didn’t feel welcome in their way of living and I started to avoid their family life.
Then they all moved out of the house, living as couples and singles in their own. I imagined how I could start being amongst them with more ease, not being the only guest anymore could create a space for me to be, but unfortunately my idea was utterly wrong. Their way of being together wasn’t bound to the house or the amount of time they share together, it was stronger than anything and their togetherness was able to make me feel like an intruder, even on my own couch. Imagine how I felt in theirs…
As a result of their closeness I never felt able to connect with any of them. Week after week we meet them but they kept ignoring my presence, they never said hi or bye, they didn’t answer my questions and they didn’t ask me any. Every week was a confrontation with how I don’t exist to them and this left me feeling miserable. What happened is that they ignored me completely and I hated myself for that. My boyfriend would love for me to be a part of them and so for me it became important that I was but every time they showed me I wasn’t and I felt more lonely and crazy or strange, like there must be something wrong with me. But are these people really worth my pain? Do these strangers truly reflect my failure in being social? Or is it their own?
They never welcomed me, they were never open to meet me nor any other person that is not a part of them. They found each other seven years ago and decided that they were enough, I mean, they don’t go out, they don’t do new things, they just meet on the same couch and talk about the same things. They have developed their life together and for them this is enough, they are selfish in a way, too familiar with the ease of each other to be open to something new. They have their own walls created by their togetherness and they don’t notice anything that is outside.
My boyfriend’s friends are just the rare people I will not be able to connect with, no matter how much my boyfriend wants me to. We are too different. Whenever my boyfriend is around them and talks about his other friends, the ones I do connect with, they look at him like he cheated, when we choose to spend our weekend doing something active, they look like him as if he is crazy to choose that over their couch, whenever he asks them to meet at different place they refuse… If I’m honest to myself and stop trying to please my boyfriend, I know that I wouldn’t like their couch even if it felt like my own, I wouldn’t enjoy doing nothing more than making fun of each other, I wouldn’t enjoy always eating the same things in the same spot amongst the same people. I would be bored if I was with them, I would want to get out the minute I got in. It is all really not worth the pain I have felt for over a year.
There are so many people I am able to connect with, people that are open to meeting me, people that do enjoy my presence so why to focus on the ones that don’t? It might be hard for my boyfriend to accept that his friends and I will never be as close as he wanted use to be but it’s unfair to myself to try and to value their opinion of me, I deserve better! Their couch is no longer my boyfriend’s, and although he still enjoys being a part of this couch once in a while, I no longer have to. I will meet them once they are ready to sit on ours.