Crying is just a pathetic way to get attention and fear is only caused by the monster that is me

30 DAYS OF FEELING – DAY 6

There is one more thing I need to investigate before I will be able to start figuring out a way to change myself. Until now I have learned about how I deal with my emotions in relation to other people, how not only my mother but our society as well prefer me to hide my feelings and how I was taught that my emotions are supposed to remain hidden from the outside world. But what I failed to understand till now is why even I am afraid of my own feelings. Why can’t I allow myself to feel, even if I am the only person that will know? Why is this part of me that seems to human able to scare me so much?

Somewhere inside me is still the sensitive kid I once used to be, but she is locked up far away, hidden, even from me. How did I become so afraid of this girl that seems so innocent?

I know I used to be over sensitive when I was young, even today I know I am hypersensitive for many things. I can feel loud noises throughout my whole body, I can get nauseous from certain smells and other people’s emotions seem to transfer to my own mental state as soon as I recognize them. I am hypersensitive but no one ever really new this about me and I believe this is where things went wrong.

As a kid, the world was extremely scary, there were so many things able to upset me, so many things that would frighten me or make me sad. I cried when I saw an other child cry, I cried when I heard a noise I didn’t expect, I cried when I noticed someone was angry or unhappy, I cried when I had the feeling I had upset someone… I cried a lot, even without the times my tears were a reaction to my own sadness.

Unfortunately, no one knew that I had a different brain that made me this sensitive. Back then, hypersensitivity wasn’t even a thing yet and so I became a child that overreacted in the eyes of my parents, aunts, uncles, teachers and neighbors. I guess no one ever even considered the option of me actually feeling more than other kids, there was not a single person around that understood that I needed help to make my world a little less scary.

What I remember is that whenever I was frightened by this world, I was told that I was wrong. I was taught that my sadness was my own fault, that my tears were created by my own misconception of reality. Many times I had to apologize for my tears, many times my emotions were judged as childish pathetic way to get attention, I was just never taken seriously.

My mother again plays the lead in this. She would not only fail to allow my tears, by telling me that I had no reason to cry, to stop overreacting and just be a normal kid, she would also tell the grown ups that would meet me that there was something wrong with me. Don’t believe her tears, don’t fall for her tricks, whatever she says or does is untrue, she is unable to see reality, she lives her own fantasy. And yes, she would even tell this when I would be already crying, making sure that no one would even listen to me.

So I was extremely sensitive, I was scared of this world, but my fears were never justified, not even a little. Instead, I learned that I was the thing to be afraid of, I was my own and only monster in this world. Over time I started to believe this, whenever I felt sad or scared I blamed myself, since everyone told me that what I felt was my own fault. I learned that the sensitive little girl inside me was crazy and I became afraid of her. I learned that she would not only cause me pain and rejection but also loneliness, because if I wanted people to like me, if I wanted to be a part of this world, she wasn’t allowed. Her existence would never be accepted by anyone.

My mother made me question myself and my emotions so much that I stopped believing. Even today I notice how I don’t believe in what I feel. I continuously expect myself to be wrong, I expect that my reality is untrue. I have become scared of my sensitive side because I was taught to see this part of myself as the thing that makes me crazy. Crying is not more than a pathetic way to get attention and fear is only caused by the monster that is me.

I doubt my own tears, I doubt my experiences, I doubt my needs and this us what causes the chaos inside my mind when I feel something. I can not just give in to my tears, I can not just let my feelings take over because first I want to know if they are legit, if I am real. But once I start figuring out if my tears are allowed, I start doubting everything, from what I ate that day to my own existence. I fill up my brain with so much doubt that I no longer believe anything, I no longer believe I am a breathing person and everything becomes empty. There are no more tears to doubt about, no more reasons to find the emotions that are hidden inside me. I am numb and that is probably what I should be.