I am the shell that locked me up


Yesterday I finally came to the point of accepting that I have been avoiding my feelings, of understanding how I protect myself from feeling and of knowing that I have to start trying to change things for myself. I realized how I have lost my way in the past months, how I started hiding again, how I gave up on myself, how I gave in to being only a small part of the person I actually am.

This realization hit he hard yesterday. An extreme sadness overwhelmed me as soon as I stopped being busy. I felt so lost and alone, so disconnect from myself, I just couldn’t stop crying. But immediately I also started doubting these feelings, they started as an explosion of emotions but once I noticed how they took over in me, I quickly started to take back control.

My emotions scared me, they always have. I can not just cry and allow the sadness to take over for a while. I fight my tears, I doubt my emotions, I expect that what I feel is too extreme or incorrect, an overreaction. I calm my self down even before I know what it is I truly feel. Even today, while I’m not emotional and don’t have to be afraid that I will loose control, I am still unable to write about what I truly felt last night, nor about what I feel right now. Instead, I’m getting lost inside my own chaos and take a break from writing after every sentence and sometimes even word, to distract myself with things that don’t matter, things that numb me.

Why do I believe I always have to feel numb? Or why do I want to numb myself when it comes to emotions? Why do I not only hide my own sadness but every other feeling as well? Why can nothing can be spontaneous or real, why does everything need to be so well controlled? Why am I so scared of myself and how can I finally break out of this circle? Why can’t I just feel something right now?

The chaos appears and gets stronger every time I try to grab a thought, I feel sad, scared, angry, annoyed, everything at the same time which makes me feel like there is nothing. I wonder if I could turn into a murderer, I wonder if I am secretly an alien or a clone, or at least something not human, I am starting to doubt even if I’m still alive because I just no longer seem a part of the world other people live in. I disappear, from myself and from my surroundings, it’s almost as if I want become invisible until I have found out what I feel, but I guess I just make myself drift further and further away from what I want.

Come on Anna, come back! Look at these words!

I am lost

I am alone

I am small

For a second I am able to feel what these words mean to me. I have no clue what life should be like, I feel like I’m just trying to do the right thing but keep choosing wrong. I have no idea who I am and the loneliness I feel is related to this, if I don’t know myself who will? I was born as myself, but I have no clue who I am today, it feels like I grew up and lost everything that was me, and now, I no longer know what I want or should, I no longer know what I like or dislike. My body grew up but I am somewhere locked up inside, alone in the dark. My grown-up body protects me from everything that goes on around me but the shield that protects me also cut me off, many years ago.

On one hand I am a 4 year old girl, a girl that is optimistic and happy, sensitive and playful, kind and compassionate. A girl that has emotions and knows how to share them. But on the other hand I am the protector of this girl, I am the shell that locked her up, protected her from the hardness of the real world and eventually I completely cut her off, I guess I even forgot about her at all.

Luckily I have rediscovered her existence somewhere this year, but I guess I have till now only allowed her happiness to pass, like a protective mother that will do everything to make sure no harm is done to her child, I wasn’t ready to expose her to bad things, I wasn’t ready to expose myself to my negative emotions. I am still protecting and covering things up with chaos. But today I was able to let her speak for just a little longer than usual, I listened to her for just a minute, enough to understand that she has a lot to say and it is time for me to start listening.

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