30 DAYS OF FEELING – DAY 0
Mental health is about how we think feel and behave, it’s about looking after ongoing wellness and happiness, about knowing yourself and making sure that your needs are met, being able to express your feelings and standing up for yourself, knowing what you can and can not do and being able to cope with life. Mental health is something vague and difficult, something personal you rather not talk about too much, maybe even something scary, it’s easier to just assume that everything regarding your mental health is good than having to admit that something is wrong, because bad mental health assumes a kind of inability of craziness none of us wants to be confronted with.
But then you enter the room of a psychologist and suddenly this vague topic becomes very real, the state of your mental health becomes painfully clear, you can no longer pretend to be good, something is wrong. On one hand this is a relief, it means you’re suffering more than you should and there is a way out, there is a way to make life easier for you, there is a reason for your pain. But this realization is more than a relief, it can make you hate yourself even more for not being just normal, for not being able to do the things all the people around you seem to do with ease. You’re different, there’s something wrong with you, and although there will be a solution, although you will get better, it hurts to admit that you kind of failed at something.
In the past months I have been confronted with a mental problem I just can’t seem to accept or work out for myself, a problem that I just couldn’t admit to myself, because it was too painful or hard, too fucked up or something, a problem too intense to ever have an opportunity to solve it, to heal from it. But today, I notice how I have gone through every possible method I know for living with it without working through it and it just did not help me, so it’s time to start the work, to start the acceptance, the investigate the reason, to understand it and to break free from it. Hopefully it isn’t too late.
I started to realize this problem with my psychologist, whenever he brings up a topic that has to do with my emotions (which is like all the time because that’s how therapy works unfortunately) I get silent, I freeze and black out, I sink back into my chair play with my fingers look at the wall and hope for the hour to finish soon. I feel more ashamed and angry every time this happens. How can something so simple be just impossible for me? Why can’t I just show any feeling while doing so is this basic human thing that should come naturally? What is wrong with me?
I know very well that before I will be able to heal from my past, before I can start working through my trauma, I need to learn how to feel, how to allow my emotions and open up about them. I need to learn how to stop suppressing. However, the more I get angry with myself about the silence, the more I force myself to just open up, the more I get trapped inside myself and the less I am able to speak. Before every appointment with my psychologist I keep telling myself to just speak up, to stop being such a pathetic little kid but the opposite happens and every week I feel more like a lost case, a worthless person.
My mistake here is off course that I can not accept myself to be vulnerable, I can not allow myself to have this problem. So instead of helping myself to get better at this, instead of allowing myself to try, to fail and get better, I get angry and this anger gets worse every time I prove to myself that the problem is still there. I demand myself to just get over it, to be better at once, to just be normal… I actually turn into my mother, with all her high standards and lack of compassion, understanding and room for failure.
I keep the cycle she created for me going, I create my own lifetrap by not acknowledging this problem. As long as I can not accept my own flaws, as long as I can not allow myself to struggle with something, I will stay trapped, the room will stay silent and I will never get anywhere. It took me two months, but as of today, I have a problem with my emotions, I accept and I am willing to do the work, I am open for change and unfortunately but truly there is something wrong with me.
So that’s why I decided that the coming month I will write about my feelings, or my lack of any, daily, I will try to reconnect with myself, to find to cause, the triggers and the signs. And hopefully find the solution.