I feel trapped, locked up in a kind of mold my parents created for me when I was very young. A mold that does not fit at all, but a mold I adjusted myself to, a mold I filled up with sadness and emotional self-control to make it fit me.
This mold has been there for ever and I have gotten used to it. The mold makes me feel safe, the sadness and control it is filled with are no longer something negative, they provide me with security, like a warm and soft blanket, protecting me inside the boundaries that have been set for me.
In reality, I feel more than just this blanket, I know that there is more than just the things I experience inside my mold. But I can not reach it. My mold has become a part of me, and wrapped itself around me as a maze, a maze filled with even smaller, non-fitting molds, a maze without any blankets.
I don’t want to let go of my blanket. I’m afraid of the hard and painful boundaries I’m far too familiar with. I’m afraid that letting go, that leaving my maze, is worse than remaining inside it, afraid that the pain from before will come back, but this time it will be worse.
I don’t dare to come out, I can’t come out.
What if it is my chaos that traps me inside?
Is it my chaos that covers me in a blanket of numbness, is it my chaos that makes me unable to see or feel what is with me. And if it is chaos, is it then all me? Is it my brain, or is this chaos created to protect me?
What is behind it? Will I even be able to see through?