This morning I woke up feeling that it’s time for a change, time to put myself back on track. For months I now, I have the feeling that time passes too quickly, that things change too fast and that I am slowly loosing myself again. I broke down in February, but with all the writing I did the months after my breakdown I was able to heal myself, able to learn about myself and to figure out how I want to live my life. I started to feel a little better with each post I published, however, when I was good enough to start my life again, I lost the knowledge I need to feel good.
I believe what has made me loose myself again is related to time. In the time I was writing, I lived by the day, each day was the same and my fountain pen was always how it started. Every day I woke up and started writing, and this routine helped me to reflect on myself and get me to a better place. Once I reached a better mental state, just after I completed the renovation of our new and beautiful home, I was good enough to start re-entering my life again, slowly. However, in life, days aren’t as easy as they where in my months of writing, every has become a different one, there are working days, exercising days, therapy days, household days and social days. I am no longer able to have a daily routine, instead, I have to find a weekly one, and I’m afraid that I have proven to be incapable of doing so.
I have always had problems with balance in my life, like going to the gym, I either do things every day or not at all. I am afraid that this is exactly what is not happening with my writing. I can no longer write every morning, so I don’t write at all. Besides, I notice how difficult it is to make a planning for an entire week, simply because there are so many different tasks to do that I am unable to organize them, they overwhelm me, getting better overwhelms me.
The past months, I have have mostly been waiting, waiting for myself to figure out when to do what, waiting until something would show me how to organize myself. Unfortunately, no one except myself will be able to help me with this, my life, my week plan is only my own and I myself have to decide on what will work for me, figure out what it is I want to do.
Once I started writing, it started to surprise me how going from a daily routine to a weekly one can be so hard on me. Even more surprising is that it took me 2 months to start figuring out what it is that is bothering me. I am afraid my brain was just going through en minor crash all over again, just by adding the slightest bit of complexity, a tiny bit of change.
Fortunately, the solution for not feeling good for the past two months seems finally easy today. Working two mornings means I can just replace the daily writing with work, the rest can stay exactly the same, I can stay writing the way I was, just not every day, there is no complexity at all here, why wasn’t I able to figure this out much sooner?
Today is my day off, no therapy or work, and usually I spend this morning thinking about what to do this week, playing games on my phone to distract myself from the chaos inside my mind that comes from not being able to figure things out. Usually on days like this I get nothing done, I will waist my time trying and when I go to sleep I’ll still be wearing my pajamas from the night before, hating myself for another failed day, another day of not being able to do what I want to do.
Today I woke up and thought, “Take a break, just write about what comes up in your mind, you deserve a day without trying!”. As a result, I was actually able to organize my thoughts, to fix a problems that has been with me for months and to make myself feel good, understood and useful. My break turned out to be more productive than all those weeks of “work”.
What did I learn today? The benefits of a break, the value of taking time to reflect and the importance of listening to your true self. Until this morning, everything seemed to be too much, time seemed to move too quickly to take care of myself. Going back to work, even for just 2 hours, 2 days a week, made me panic, it made me feel like I did not have time for myself anymore, like all my time should be spent on my professional performance, like I needed to change… But I didn’t, I just needed to add something new.
For me, pausing regularly will be the key to my recovery. One of my many mistakes in life, the trap I always seems to walk into, is to get completely caught up in new things. Every period of my life is defined by a single thing that had my interest in that, usually very short, period. I have never been able to create a stable way of living my life, I have never been able to simply add new things while staying close to the things that have proven to work for me. As soon as I see something new, I burn the old, this counts for friends, hobbies, love, pets.. well everything. I never take a break to look back, to choose what was good, to determine what I should keep and what it is I miss. I never saw my life as a lesson, or a forever ongoing trial and error study of me finding what it is I want and need. Pausing is my key, a key I should never loose again.
Recovering from a breakdown is extremely difficult, it’s too easy to get overwhelmed, it’s too easy to forget what you’ve learned, it’s too east to go back to what has lead you to break down, otherwise it would not have happened before. During your recovery you have to keep checking in, keep reflecting and keep wanting the best for yourself, even when you believe you have healed. Remember what made you feel good throughout every step and continue to do this. Remember what helped you and continue to allow yourself this help. Continue to pause, and you will get there.