Change Took Me Back From Changing

It has been too long since I wrote, too long since I took the time to explore my own mind, to focus on myself, my mental state and figure out what it is I truly need. I miss writing, I miss the feeling of mental balance it provides me with, I miss the progress I make because of it. However, I haven’t found myself able to write for over a month, I haven’t allowed myself the time I need for it, thinking other things where more important. But today, I told myself I am not allowed to do anything else until I have pressed a publish button on my blog.

I fell in love with a beautiful and spacious apartment in the center of the city I live in, the perfect new home of me and my boyfriend. I felt a home, happy and like I belonged here from the first second I entered the place, a perfect match, but unfortunately, character comes with time and a lot of work needer to be done to update the space to a real home for us. The architect in me wanted to do everything by herself, to bond with the house and make it completely our own home and abruptly my life changed.

Walls needed new plaster and wallpaper, ceilings needed to be painted, a new kitchen needed to be installed, the bathroom needed to be completely renovated and besides all of this, I wanted to build all the furniture myself. The list of things I had to do in a day was too long, demanding an extreme amount of energy, 12 hours a day.

Before the move, my days where filled with writing and therapy, 1 household task and 1 creative or active (fun) thing to do. I had a weekly schedule and by sticking to it, I was able to feel good, stay positive and never reach my limits. But with the new house, I needed to do more, I wanted to do more, and my schedule disappeared, instead, every minute I had I spend on our home, my dream house.

Two things happened as a result of this.

I discovered that I am able to do a lot, I discovered that when I am doing something I truly want to do and truly enjoy, nothing is too much. Even in my current mental state I was able to open my secret stash of energy and complete everything I wanted to do. I (still) have a lot of strength in me, I still have to ability to be passionate about things, to loose myself in them and to feel joy in work.

However, I also notices how my passion was able to make me stop listening to myself, how I am unable to listen when my body tells me I have done enough. In the past month, I have reached extreme exhaustion almost daily, resulting in panic attacks and anger outbursts, just because I valued the house more than I valued myself, because I believed finishing a wall was more important than preventing myself from breaking down.

Moving was a good test which I failed completely. However, this test showed me how easily I can stop caring about myself, how easy it is for me to switch to the strong version of me, the one without feelings, without the ability to listen, the version that brought me here in the first place.

In a way, I relapsed, something I did not realize until I started writing. I wasn’t able to use everything I have learned in a situation I needed to remember this most. I went back, back to stress and strength, back to walls and shields, to dishonesty towards myself. From today, I have to get back on track again, I have to find a way to combine work, passion and distraction with myself, my mental state. I have to find the balance I desperately need but apparently did not manage to find yet.

From today, I will start writing again, analyze what went wrong, what I should have done and how I can be better in the future. I need my writing, I realize this now, when I notice the chaos inside me slowly disappearing and the memory of feeling good returning, something I have missed for too long.

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