It’s Always Darkest Just Before Dawn

Life knows good moments as well as extremely rough periods. Unfortunately many things are impossible to plan, for many things you rely on other people and disappointments occur much more often than we wish they would. We all have some really good things from time to time, but overall we are focussed on the things we have to do, the things that can go wrong or the fear of everything we will have to succeed in in order to be how we want ourselves to be.

We have to become the best, socially as well as professionally, too many of us are waisting their time on trying to achieve their image of perfection. As a result, we are all stressed, all the time. We want too much, we do too much, and instead of enjoying the life we have, we waste it on waiting for something better to come. But to be honest, better will never come, if you want better you will never reach satisfaction, simply because everything can always be better, there is no end to being better.

I used to be a person that was kind of waiting for things to get better, working hard for what I believed would make me special and great, trying to be the best at everything I did while doing only the things I expected to make me better. As a result however, I was never happy with my life, I was always trying to get more, which turned my life into a long list of things I did not have. I was never able to see the good things I had, the every day things I should have been celebrating, instead, my life just felt like something I had to work for, something I would reach at some point in the future when I would be better.

I never lived, I was trying so hard to reach something better that I was unable to enjoy, unable to see the good in what I already had. The funny thing about this way of living is that the more you refuse to see the good in the right now, the harder, or bigger, the bad things get. Life turns into something negative and bad things are only there to increase the negativity, to hold you back from what you want to achieve and to prove that you are not good enough.

Everyone encounters bad things in life, but as long as you are unable to see the good in the right now, these bad things will cover your life in darkness, or prevent you form ever noticing some brightness. We have to let go of our goals, we have to stop wanting to be better, we have to stop valuing ourselves by our performances, the amount of friends we have, the trips we take or anything else that compares us to other people since these things will never give us the satisfaction we need to be happy.

We will never be the best, we will never be completely happy and bad things will always happen to us, but as soon as we are able to accept this as a simple fact, life can be great, for ourselves. As soon as we let go of the expectations and standards we impose ourselves and decide to just be in the moment and try to make the best of whatever happens in our lives, things can be extremely good, even during the rough times. As soon as we are able to except that life is not a straight path, without bumps, detours and other obstacles, we can learn to truly enjoy the time we have and live with a feeling of satisfaction no matter what crosses our path, knowing that everything will work out in the end, trusting that every darkness occurs to bring brightness into our lives.

I recently found a house, together with my boyfriend, extremely last minute. When we signed the contract last Friday, stress arose when we heard we had to wait for the keys till Tuesday while my boyfriend had to leave his house last Saturday. Things got even worse when the movers cancelled late Friday evening and the friend who was supposed to lend us his storage till we got the keys of our new apartment told us his space was no longer available. We had no clue what to do, the whole plan of moving collapsed and we were left with big worries about everything.

But instead of stressing too much, we decided to wait till this morning before we allowed ourselves to panic and it turns out, the whole change in plans is actually a major advantage for us. We moved the appointment to take the keys, from the evening to early in the morning, and rented a van for tomorrow, meaning that we can move everything at once, without having to move things twice. Our whole plan collapsed just to be replaced by a much better one, and all the bad news from Friday turned out to be in our benefit, things just worked out perfectly.

The same good things can happen to big problems. Last year for example, I went through the hardest time I ever had to deal with, my father got cancer, my grandpa was dying, I cared for him for over 6 months, and once he passed my father got a hearth attack and ended up in a coma. In the meantime, my best friend tried to kill himself, ended up in rehab and therapy, with me as the only person being there for him and to make everything worse, my job was extremely demanding meaning that way too often I found myself in the office till 23:00. Life was hard, emotionally as well as planning wise, there was never a moment in the week I could take for myself to relax, always busy with caring for my family or friend, or with work.

During this year I felt like everything was too much, I was running all the time while my emotional pain kept increasing each day. I felt alone, I felt like there was happing much more than I was able to deal with, I felt powerless. But every morning I woke up, I tried to make the best of it, tried to spend as much time with my grandpa as possible, be great at my job and be there for my friend and family as much as I could. I kept going, knowing that I was strong enough to deal with everything I had to go through. Life seemed hard and unfair but I knew that it wouldn’t stay this way forever, I knew that things would return to normal, that there would be an end to my suffering, mostly because of my grandpa, who kept saying: “Everything will be fine”

And now, one year later, it turns out my grandpa was completely right, since everything is more than fine for me today, maybe even because of everything I had to go through. If I wouldn’t have lost my grandpa, if I wouldn’t have cared too much for other people and if I wouldn’t have had to run so much during that terrible year, I would probably be still living my detached life, safely hiding behind all my walls, not letting anyone close to me. I would have continued an unhappy life, blaming myself for the way I am, unable to accept the true me.

But shit did happen, I pushed myself too far, broke down and as a result I am more satisfied with myself and my life than I have ever been. I hit my lowest point only to get back up, to reach higher than I ever imagined I could, only because everything I went through.

Life is hard, unfair even, and sometimes things just seem to be too much to handle. However, light will always return, eventually. Sometimes we have to wait too long, sometimes the darkness seems endless and all consuming, but every darkness will disappear, the brightness will always return and this is what we have to believe in, this is what we have to live for.

Shit happens for a reason, sometimes our suffering in life just puts us directly on the path leading towards the best things that will happen to us. Bad things are not there to fuck up your hard work, to prevent you from ever being as great as you want yourself to be, instead, everything we go through, no matter how bad, helps us to get further, to teach us and we should keep trusting that things will always work out, that everything has some good in it.

We have to stop wanting the best, stop trying to control the uncontrollable, we have to let go, allow and accept whatever life throws at us.My grandpa was right, in the end everything will always work out, we will all be fine, we will all grow even, but only if we allow ourselves to fall down, to make mistakes and love ourselves for them. We have to stop this crazy world, this stupid urge to be the best, because this can only result in unhappiness while the only thing we should do in this life is enjoy!

Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be everything you were intended to be.

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