Distracted By a New House

Without me even noticing, I stopped writing in the past weeks. My mind has been too occupied with other things to keep focussing on my mental health the way I used to, and when I found myself overthinking life at 4 AM last night, I figured it is really time to start again, to redirect my focus on myself and learn how to balance mental health with whatever it is that is going on in my life.

So what has happened?

Two things. The first being that I am happy. I can not remember my last bad day, instead, my days are slow but extremely bright. I am truly letting go of expectations and rules and I am able to connect to my feelings and be in the moment. I listen to my energy levels, I do what I truly want every moment and I am able to communicate my boundaries to everyone around me, resulting in an amazing new feeling of satisfaction. However, the lasting good feeling kind of distracted me from trying to get better and unconsciously I decided to stop wanting better for a while, to take a break from the expedition through my brain and instead I just continued the things that would make me feel good.

During my time of just feeling good, big changes came when my boyfriend and I decided to move in together. He has been looking for a house for over a month, but without any success. So last week, when he came back disappointed from viewing 23, we started talking about our relationship and what our next steps will be. We knew that at one point, within 3 to 6 months, we want to move in together but since he couldn’t find a house, those 3 extra months seemed to become less and less important, and eventually we decided that we are ready to live together (something that we have actually been doing for about 4 months now).

But than the search came, starting last Monday, knowing that my boyfriend has to move out of his house this Saturday… Stress! Suddenly I had to start calling strangers, cycle around the city for viewings and think about the logistics, finances and so many more things that come with moving. This was all a lot, looking for houses takes not only time but a shitload of energy as well, and energy is something that I have been missing for months now. I got obsessed with looking for houses to find the perfect one for us and for three days I have been worrying about apartments for about 20 hours a day. Luckily, this morning we made a decision, we found the apartment we both want to live in and send all the paperwork over to the real estate agency that will hopefully call us soon with good news, something I really need to get some peace back inside my mind.

What did I learn?

I am terrible at balance! I have once again proven to myself that I have a problem with obsession and stability, it is too easy for me to get carried away in anything and it just seems impossible for me to focus on multiple things at the same time. I know that the coming month will be a stressful one, a month of painting, decorating, moving and overal just a lot of decisions need to be made. The only way to get through this is when I learn to balance, when I learn to take time for myself no matter what else will happen in my life. I have to try to find the balance between my writing and the new house, between my boyfriend and myself and between work and relax. It will be the perfect test, a hard one, but one that is extremely necessary.

Besides the lack of balance in the past days, I also made some steps in connecting to myself and the world around me. I learned how to listen to my own needs and plan my days according to the energy I have, including the time I need to rest. I was forced to talk to strangers and express my opinion and I succeeded in it, I found out that my fear of communication is one that I am able to overcome and I started to feel really comfortable with being around other people. Besides, I was forced to leave my own house, to leave my safe place and go outside multiple times a day, something I felt really anxious about.

Looking for a house pushed me to do things I believed I couldn’t do and made me see that I am actually capable of much more than I thought. I overcame my fear of the real world and convinced myself that I am ready to slowly reenter, as my true self. Going back to the life I used to live seems less scary now I saw myself communicating in the past days without feelings of shame and awkwardness about myself. Again, I saw a glimpse of how I can be once I regain all my energy and this gives me hope that soon I will be able to do everything I want.

What’s next?

I know that the coming weeks will be filled with stress and doubts, do we get the house, when can we move in, how much money do we need to spend, will we like the same things or will I be able to move out of my own house on time..? The next month will have many questions and will require a lot of energy from my side but I believe that as long as I keep writing as well as listening to myself, I will be fine. I have all the tools I need to get through this without breaking down or reaching my limits and I know that life will become even better from now on!

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