Day 30 of loving my ADHD devil came much faster than I expected. To be honest, I’m sad to reach the end. Yesterday I even considered extending this journey to 60 days, but once I found out that I have been messing up the numbering in my posts and I’m actually on day 36 or something, I had to decide that this (fake) day 30 is the end for now.
It is time for me to move forward, I notice how I am starting to get ready the next step in my recovery, I start to think less about love and more about trauma and this means something else will need my focus soon. It is time. Besides, I have a problem with change and saying goodbye, I desperately need to start working on and this might be a good way to get started on that. So here comes the final 30 days of loving the ADHD devil.
I believe I have never changes as much as I did in the past month, not in such a positive way at least. On day 1 I had just started to discover the meaning of self-compassion and although I understood that I needed more than a bit of it, treating myself with kindness turned out to be an extreme struggle for me.
Hate, blame and shame kept taking over daily but things started changing when I discovered my feelings dictionary. When I started to translate all the negative ideas I had about myself into the real emotions, hidden behind them, I discovered how hate and blame were far from true, these feelings actually meant fear and sadness. By teaching myself to keep translating, I started to understand and allow my real emotions.
Until this point, emotions had always been like a monster to me, a monster that should be suppressed and hidden at all time. However, once I started to allow my emotions to be, I started to become less scared of all the monsters inside me, even my ADHD devil wasn’t so monstrous anymore and this turned out be the biggest change in me, the love for my devil.
I discovered that my devil is only as scary as I allow him to be. I started to allow his acts, my distractions and impulses and strangely this was what made me finally feel like normal, my normal. Every little jump, small dance or glance at my neighbor reduced the struggles I had been living with for as long as I can remember. I discovered that most of the chaos inside my mind is created by my own mental war against it, and once I stopped fighting and simply let it be, peace returned inside me.
I learned how to be in the moment, how to let go, how to stop being in control all the time. Instead, I started to respond in a way that comes natural and feels good, without continuous overthinking every reaction. I experienced happiness and real laughter for the first time in years. By just allowing my feelings and impulses to exist, I started to feel good most of the time. I started to see my true happy self, the person that has become my goal for this journey, and the only thing I had to do to see her was to let go of expectations and performance, and just be, be real.
However, change wasn’t only positive and new problems started to surface once I started to let go. An extreme anger was able to surface without any reason, I started to cry regularly, real tears coming from a real sadness related to my past, and although I felt better than ever, I noticed how some parts of me are just not right.
Uncontrolled anger and delayed extreme sadness really occurred when I started looking for myself in the mirror, something I had not done in a long time. Once I was able to see past the body parts I dislike, I discovered a person in my reflection, but this person was not me. Instead, I see the little girl I used to be years ago and this was the first sign that truly showed me the damage I am living with till now.
I learned how to connected to myself, how to be in the moment, how to allow mistakes and how to accept everything that is a part of me. I gained love for myself as well as love for my ADHD devil, and this is exactly what I wanted to achieve on this journey. However, it is not the end for me. There will be a next expedition in which I have to help the little girl inside me to grow up, a journey in which the girl and the woman merge together and I finally become my true self. My next and probably final step towards recovery.
For now, I don’t want to look at the future yet, I know this will come soon enough. Today I want to celebrate my progress, enjoy the love I now feel for myself and just feel good. I have come extremely far in the past month, I even did great in all those dark years before, the years in which I have created an amazing life for myself. I deserve to be proud, I deserve to be loved and most importantly, I deserve to enjoy myself and the time I have in this world.
My burnout has been the best thing that ever happened to me. The beginning has been extremely dark, but I now know that my future will be utterly bright, brighter than life has ever been for me. Breaking down gave me the chance to break free from everything that has been holding me back, it gave me the ability to truly be great, at least to myself. From now on, I will be my own biggest cheerleader, friend and love.