Don’t Try to Make the Giants Laugh, Laugh Yourself – Changing My Purpose of Life

Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 26

Often I find myself wondering what we all do in this world, what the reason is that so many of us live on this planet, all together but so far apart, until we die? In nature, the purpose of life is kind of easy, the main things are food, making babies and don’t die. For every kind of animal it is clear how they should live their lives, in a way they are all the same, but what happened to us, why did we create so many different options for everything, why are we all so different, why isn’t there just one way to live our lives? And why are we even able to think about the purpose of our life?

The meaning of life used to be something that scared me, something I had to force myself not to think about because it could make me wonder for hours, days or even weeks and drown me in darkness. The minute the questions about this topic used to pop up in my head, I had to stop my thoughts immediately to prevent myself from going crazy trying to figure everything out and this is why I created the idea of a puppet show.

Laughing Giants

A puppet show in a world populated by extremely huge giants, trying to have a good laugh about us humans, the characters in their favorite childhood series. I used to imagine how a group of giant children is laughing about every step their parents make us take, about the way they dress us, about the way they make us talk, about the things they make us do, about the way they make us think that we, as tiny creatures are important and are able to make a change. I used to imagine a couple of adult giants, the parents of these laughing children, to spend nights coming up with new words for our languages, new silly items to dress us by, new gadgets to seduce us with and sometimes some natural disaster or virus, just to add some excitement to the story.

I used to imagine the invisible wires that are connected to everything in this world, to create the opportunity for them to control everything. And then I used to think about myself, about how much fun I should be giving them, with all my clumsiness and weirdness, I must be a great laugh. I used to try to feel my wires but off course I couldn’t, they’re too thin, so I used to look up to the sky and give them a big smile, telling them I’ll just continue to make them laugh as long as they prevented me from days of wondering about the meaning of life.

Dissolving Wires

But as I am getting closer to myself, my wires disappear and the giants dissolve with them. The giants, and the way they used to control me with their illusional wires, where an idea that made me feel safe. The existence of the giants meant that I was never in control myself, that I was never responsible for my own feelings and actions and since I was never proud of who I was, I wanted to believe in them. I think I knew I was not happy and definitely not living the life I wanted for myself but because I did not know how to change things to get better, I wanted to believe I would never be able to change it, I wanted to believe that everything was out of my hands.

Maybe the existence of my giants also had to do with all the things I went through as a kid, my childhood was so hard and unreasonable that I had to find a way to make sense of what happened to me, and being part of a puppet show was the only thing able to explain all the shit I had to go through. All the pain I had felt did not make any sense to me unless I was the lead in someone else’s soap opera, a series about pain and drama created to make the giants feel good about their own lives.

I Am in Control

But now I found out that I am in control, over everything that happens to me, or at least I have a say in how I deal with things. Whatever happened to me as a kid was based on misunderstanding, on other people’s insecurities and struggles and although I still believe it’s unfair that I had to go through so much pain, I learned to not let this affect me anymore. I don’t have to feel worthless because my parents believed I was, they just told me I was worthless because they had no clue what to do with my differences, it made them feel insecure about themselves as parents and they reflected their own feelings of desperation on me in an extremely negative way.

It sucks that I had to go through so many dark and painful years but they did not turn me into a bad person, they don’t mean I don’t deserve to life a good life. Instead, all those years of suffering make me worthy of happiness, love and peace. I did not go through so much shit just to live a life in which I hide every part about myself, a life inside a bubble of fakeness. No. I went through everything to be able to get out, to break free. I survived all those bad days because I believed things would change for me at some point, I went on because I had trust that there would come a good day, that there would be an end to my misery and there would come a time in which I could be my true self and completely happy.

Make Me Laugh

Somewhere I lost my believe in ever reaching a good life, I gave up on being me and I stopped believing in good times to come, but in the past months I have found my purpose back. I don’t know why we humans are the way we are, I don’t know if we have a greater goal in life or what we are supposed to do with the time we have, however, the meaning of life seems to become less scary to me. I start to believe that there is no greater goal for me in life, I am not here to achieve something, I don’t have a task to complete, instead, I am just here and I should feel blessed about having the opportunity to live.

My life is about myself, and the only goal for me is to give myself a good time, to make myself happy and it doesn’t really matter to anyone how I do this neither are there any rules on how to do it. I don’t have to make any giants laugh, I don’t have to make other people laugh, instead, I have to make myself laugh, I have to make myself enjoy the time I have. I am the only one able to give a value to my life and I should stop being satisfied with a D, I deserve and A and only I can give this to myself, only when I listen to myself, love the way I am and never give up on the real me.

And this counts for all of us, keep doing what makes you happy and never give up because other people don’t believe in you, you deserve the best!

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