Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 24
I have been angry for many years, however, I have never been furious about anything that deserved real anger. I have never expressed true rage, an emotion that only recently started to surface, a new scary monster inside me. I am struggling with delayed legitimate anger since I have started to connect to myself and I decided to go on an expedition that would bring me to this monster.
I wrote down everything I should have been angry about, every person or situation that has caused me pain many years ago. I started writing names and things, times that I was used or left behind, people that refused to help me and people that talked bad about me behind my back. There are so many things I now notice I am angry about, so many things that hurt me while I was trying so hard to be better, so many wrongful things that have happened to me.
With every line I wrote I was getting more angry, my heart beat was rising and every letter I tried to write became less readable, until I got to page nr. 6 and I could not write anymore. I was so angry at everything that happened to me and I broke down in tears, a cry that lasted for over 3 hours. In these hours my whole life passed by together with every person I had asked for help, but instead of feeling the anger I had felt before, I was feeling an extreme amount of compassion towards myself.
I am such a strong and positive girl!
Daily abuse, rape, bullying, neglect, I had far from an easy life but this whole list of people I’m angry at shows me how hard I kept trying, how I never gave in to the misery that surrounded me. My strength and positivity are what brought me here today, that gave me the life I now have, but they also prevented me from receiving the help I needed. I would never admit things where really bad for me, I would never give up or break down, and I tried to stay positive about everything that happened, always hoping that the next day would be better.
What happened was me looking too good to be damaged and everyone around me thought I was doing pretty fine. If I would have been able to break down in tears when I asked for help with my home situation, maybe someone would have believed me, but instead I would always say it’s not that bad, it’s just very hard for me right now, and people figured I was able to do it alone.
When a teacher told me she couldn’t believe my parents did me harm because they seemed such nice people, I could have told her that they did, I could have showed her my bruises, I could have cried and said I never wanted to go back home, but instead I said she was probably right and I just had to be better. Every time I asked for help, I wasn’t able to express the true pain I felt, and when someone let me down I wasn’t able to express the hidden anger of being misunderstood my entire life. I simply was too strong and I kept trying to see the positivity in myself and the bright side of life.
After my long list of anger I saw the real me, the me that tries so hard to belong, to make sense of everything that happens, but is misunderstood over and over again. I held myself while crying, telling myself that I will from now on be the one that will understand, that it was amazing that I tried so hard but that I don’t have to. I have every right to be sad, every right to be angry and most importantly every right to be proud.
It was a weird moment, a strange 3 hours, in which I believe a lot of good happened for me. I finally saw how hard I have tried all my life and truly understood how amazingly strong I am. I saw this little girl that went through so much shit, but every day she hoped for a change, every day she woke up with a smile, trying to please everyone around her to create a better situation for herself, and finally I was able to give her the comfort she was looking for. I saw the teenager me, someone that was trying to look for a way out with every opportunity she saw but was always sent away or used, the girl that tried to fit in, tried to find a person she could finally be herself with but was always rejected deserves a lot of love as well, she was very lost but never gave up. And then I saw the young adult me, the student me, the girl that tried so hard to be the best, to make something out of all the damage she was living with and even she did great, she fought for what she wanted and made it in the end, all by herself.
Everything that happened to me caused much more harm than I ever believed it did, or than I ever allowed it to do. But with my strength and positivity I never recognized how hard my life had truly been for me. I laughed every bad thing away, I gave up on happiness, I stopped wanting more and I just dragged all the wrongful self-blame, -hate and -shame with me for all those years without even questioning if it was fair, if I was really the one to blame for my misery.
Well I wasn’t. My life was fucked, my parents where fucked, and slowly I got fucked by all the unfair things that where done to me. But today I don’t feel sad about my life, I don’t truly cry about a sadness of the past, I cry because I finally get it, because I finally understand that I was never to blame and because I can finally give myself the love I deserved all those years. My list of hate ended with some unreadable anger about everyone, about the general feeling that has been hiding inside me my entire life:
Everyone who refused to see my bruises
Everyone who expected I was doing fine
Everyone who did not believe me
Everyone who tried to change me
Everyone who did not allow me
Everyone who believed I was too difficult
Everyone who did not take the time to listen
What this list shows to me is the continuous feeling of being misunderstood, by other people as well as by myself, and this is what has been causing all the damage inside me. This feeling is something I still struggle with today, it is the base of everything I think. It makes sense: my sadness was never understood so I stopped allowing it, I see fun in things no one sees fun in so I stopped having fun, I was looking for help in other people that did not understand what help I needed so I stopped looking for help, I was afraid of things that shouldn’t be scary so I started hiding my fears, I was unable to sit still so I forced myself to start sitting still.
No one has ever understood me and because of this I stopped understanding myself. I was taught that my feelings were never legit and after many rejections I started to believe I was wrong for having them. I stopped believing in myself and this is what brought me to my breakdown. But today I got my trust back and it’s time to make sense of things, to start understanding, to take away all the shame, blame and hate I have towards myself, and the hours of tears I cried yesterday where a great start, they where fair, finally.