Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 23
My whole life I spend hiding behind a shield of anger, turning every weakness, emotion, critique or fail into an expression of hate. I used to feel angry about everything and everyone, however, this anger was never true, it was my way to keep everything at a safe distance, to give my emotional ADHD devil no opportunity to surface. I controlled my feelings with anger, but once I stopped, anger became a whole new thing, it turned into the scary monster hiding inside me, waiting for a chance to come out and reveal himself to the world, ruin everything what I have been working on.
The past few days I feel this monster getting stronger, I feel my heart beat speeding up, I feel my muscles tightening, my hands tingling and I feel a uncontrollable rage inside me. Why? I have no clue. It seems like nothing is happening to me in these moments, however, the feeling of anger is stronger than it has even been before, and it scares me to death.
What is this strong scary monster that is hiding inside me? Where does he come from? What triggers him? And most importantly, how do I gain back control over this feeling? In the past few days I have been yelling, throwing and smashing, only because something inside me tells me this is what I need, but there is no clear reason for this unbearable fury, not at the moment it occurs.
This made me wonder about one question I haven’t asked myself till now: You deal with sadness through anger, you deal with insecurities by running away and you freeze when you are confronted, but what do you do with your anger? I have been using anger for so many other things, but what have I done with the true feeling of my anger? What did I used to do when something was supposed to turn me into the angry beast I am meeting now?
I know that although I used to be angry all the time, I have never expressed my true anger, not at anyone, not about something that truly made me furious. I mean, the years of abuse by my parents should have made me truly angry at some point in my life, I was completely allowed to feel angry about this, but have I ever?
When it happened I felt so emotionally hurt that I was only focussed on surviving, when I got older I blamed myself for being too emotional about what had happened and until my father got sick I just ignored that it had ever happened. Then came the time that my parents needed me, deep down I felt like they didn’t deserve my help, how after everything they did to me they where not allowed to expect me to be there for them, deep down I was angry, but instead of doing something with it, I put my feelings aside and spend every day taking care of them.
The same happened when I was raped, when one of my bikes was stolen, when I didn’t get the job I was promised after graduating, when my first boyfriend cheated on me, when my boss gave the job I really wanted to someone else or when my neighbors dog ruined my entire garden. Whenever someone breaks something of me, when someone hurts my feelings or when I am just suffering in any way that is not caused by myself, I never expressed my anger, I have never been furious about a threat to me and this might be the reason for the monster that is growing inside of me.
“Rage attacks aren’t always pathological. Even if there’s no immediate trigger for your anger, it could stem from something in the past that you’re not aware of. Anger is not a socially accepted emotion and because of that, we start to negate and suppress anger, trying to push it away from our consciousness. By doing that for years, we harm ourselves and it can become quite detrimental to our well-being, because the neglected feelings are still there and they want to ‘come out’ from the basement. This is perhaps the reason why rage attacks are almost by definition so strong and out of control. The feelings which were unconscious are finally free in all their ‘glory’ and they are starting to create havoc.”Vladimir Musicki in Why Am I Mad For No Reason? 7 Common Causes Of Rage Attacks
If I would make a list of all the things I should have been angry about in my life, I will be probably still writing next week, there is too much, too many people that have threatened me, the real me. My life has been far from perfect but not once did I blame anyone for this besides myself and is this fair? Is it fair to blame myself for everything?
I should have gotten angry at my parents, I should have gotten angry at the kids in school that bullied me, I should have gotten angry at the psychologist that told me there was nothing wrong with me besides being lazy and bad. There are so many things I just accept in my life, so many times I was harmed and I just accepted that everything was my fault when it really wasn’t and once I started writing about the hidden angry monster inside me, I started to realize that I’m actually thinking about a lot of people that have harmed me in the past, that they are more clear than they have ever been.
It’s funny how connecting with myself works. I started with the idea that I needed to feel sadness, that this emotion was the one that was causing me trouble. But then I discovered how joy was something I also didn’t know how to deal with, how fear is something that is too hard to face, how I have problems with feeling satisfied and now there is anger as well. I truly did not listen to myself in any way and in this process of recovering probably many other things will pop up as well.
For now I’m afraid I’ll probably have to face the angry beast inside me, maybe write that long list of things that I am allowed to be angry about and slam a door for every single one of them. Maybe if I let him come out when I’m in control he will turn out to be as harmless as the little girl I have been hiding in there for years, I hope he is. At least writing about him helped, I now do understand where he comes from, and that he is allowed to exist, or was actually but since there is a delay on all my emotions, it’s more than normal that this one has been hiding for too long.
The damage inside me, the damage of years of being misunderstood, even by myself, is big, but step by step I will be able to rebuild, to transform the ruin, created inside my mind by years of mental war, into a beautiful palace I can proudly live in. One brick every day but I will get there.