Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 14
Today I’m meeting my psychologist again, and since I’m almost halfway on my writing journey towards love, I figured it would be a good time to reflect on my progress so far. I notice that I’m feeling some anxiety towards my approaching appointment, I notice how I feel like I didn’t do enough since the last one and how this creates a fear to pick up the phone in 2 hours. So I’ll try to take this time to remind myself of the progress I have made so far.
Last time I spoke with my psychologist, we came up with a couple of things I had to try. Yoga was one of them, however, I did not find myself in a downward dog once in the past two weeks, I didn’t even try. Besides yoga, there was meditation, something I at least tried to do for as much as 3 times but did nog get close to owning a place in my daily routine. And then there was this thing about overthinking, to make it part of my daily schedule, to reduce my pointless overthinking during the rest of the day. This one I did try, the results however do not seem very promising to me.
When I look at my assignments from two weeks ago and how I have been practising with them till now, I feel like I have failed. I didn’t listen, I didn’t try enough and I didn’t do my best to get better. But I also have to admit that I am feeling much better than I did when I last spoke to my psychologist, things have changed for the good despite failing to do the assignments I was supposed to try. I don’t have to be anxious for the upcoming call because I do have a lot of positivity to discuss.
Checking in and write
Despite my failure to sit still and follow any kind of recorded meditation sequence on a specific time during the day, I did improve a lot on my overall mindfulness. Multiple times a day I take some minutes to connect to what I feel. Often I do this outside with a cigarette, which is far from perfect, but I take time to check in with my emotions and figure out what my current energy level is. I use my discoveries from these moments to adjust my days to what I need or what I want. In a way I’m meditating a lot throughout the whole day, but just not in the way I am supposed to, not as a fixed moment of peace but instead as an impulse to check in.
Even my planned hours of overthinking have brought me some positivity. In the first place because I have planned them during my shower in the morning and my lunch hour in the afternoon, two thing I struggled to do daily but have now become two fixed activities in my days. Most importantly this means that I’m now eating every day, instead of only when eating is a social thing. I’m starting to take better care of myself which is a huge improvement for me.
The overthinking itself mostly provides me with the input for my posts, like I’m doing now. In the morning I force myself to worry about what I want to do, how little I am able to do and the progress I’ll have to make as well as the steps I have already taken towards a better me. I overthink all the struggles that come from my breakdown and most of the times the main one will be the topic of the post I’ll write that day.
But then I start writing about it, which usually takes me a whole morning so when I finish, it is time for my lunchtime moment of chaos. In this hour I use to overthink the words I have written and when I notice I’m still struggling with something, I will extend my writing in the afternoon. This means that I spend a lot of time overthinking, much more than the 2 hours I am supposed to, on the bad days I even need 8 or more inside the chaos of my own mind.
I’m not sure if my planned overthinking is actually reducing the constant chaos inside me. However, I do notice that once my writing is completed for the day, I am experiencing more peace inside me. After 4 or 8 hours inside my mind I do encounter a new feeling of calmth that makes life much easier, it just takes me very long to get there.
No more imaginary monsters
The biggest reason I’m feeling much better now compared to two weeks ago, is that I started to accept. Through my writing as well as my overthinking I have started to believe that I am allowed to be just the way I am. I stopped my mental war, I buried the hatchet I used to use to control the things I did not like about myself. I found out that I’m actually quite a nice person, what I was afraid of turns out to be far from scary and this made me able to gain some love as well as happiness.
I feel like there has always been a closed closet inside me, shaking and growling, due to the monster that was hiding inside. Every time I noticed the noise or movement from this closet I used everything I had to keep this closet in control afraid of the monster that would come out once the doors would open. I was afraid that there was something inside me that would be able to ruin everything, my whole life, but last week I found the courage to allow the doors of this shaking closet to open, and I faced my monster for the first time. However, what came out of these doors was far from scary, I had been fighting against a monster that only existed out of my fear of the unknown. In reality I wasn’t fighting something bad, instead, I was waisting my energy on holding back on something that is good.
I am feeling much better now because I no longer own my imaginary monster. I can finally just be how I am supposed to be, the real me, and this comes with a lot of love and calmth. I feel like I was holding myself back from a real life with the mental war I had created myself, but now I stopped fighting and I can see a glimpse of what life should look like when you don’t make it harder for yourself. I start to see how easy things can be once you just allow your thoughts, impulses and boundaries, how much the chaos can reduce when you no longer fill your mind with little thought soldiers but instead just accept what is there and what is not.
There is not one road
I have lost track a bit in the past two weeks, but this doesn’t mean I have a negative call coming up. I don’t have to be ashamed of how I spend my time, I don’t deserve negativity because the truth is that I did do a lot of good things, I did improve a lot. I am truly (working on) getting better. I think my psychologist will agree that my road to recovery is not the straight path she presents to me. The whole point of my therapy is to make me able to listen to myself and I believe that this allows me to divert from her road and discover the things I feel will help me to get further.
Brains are extremely complex and every person has his or her own way to deal with problems inside this complexity. What works for me might not work for you and vice versa. Nothing in life is ever a straight line, we all have to find our own winding paths around it, “the way” doesn’t exist, instead every way is a personal one and all our personal roads are far from efficient.
I have only a few minutes left until my phone will ring but I no longer feel the anxiety I experienced when I started writing. I won’t disappoint anyone with what I’ve done with my time, I can talk about my positive discoveries with pride and I am sure my psychologist will be able to help me to give me a direction for my next step. She won’t get angry about my yoga, she won’t punish me for not truly following her directions, I did the best I could for myself and she will most probably share my pride and celebrate my steps forward together with me.