The Secret Damage of ADHD

Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 13

I started writing because I wanted to talk about the truth, the real experience of a life with an ADHD devil inside your brain. The reason to start this blog was the lack of information regarding my own struggles, a lot of what the internet has to offer on ADHD wisdom is very general or basic, limited to the most prominent symptoms and how to deal with these, often for the people around the ADHD brain. I couldn’t find much about the hidden struggles that come from years of living together with this devil in the wrong way.

I wanted to start writing to uncover the truth about the damage ADHD can do to a person that has never learned how to live peacefully with his or her devil. I wanted to explain the danger of feeling misunderstood and strange all the time due to never fitting in the mould that society creates for us. I wanted to show that ADHD is much more than the inability to sit still, how a certain kind of hyperactivity causes wounds and scars that make life much harder than it’s supposed to be.

However, the more I write, the less I use the term ADHD. I am talking about self-compassion, breaking down, emotions, reconnecting and change. I’m focussing less and less on the devil inside me and instead discuss things that not in the first place seem to relate to my ADHD. But they do! Everything I’m going through, my breakdown as well as the process of returning is related to my ADHD devil. He might nit be the topic of every story anymore but he is the reason behind them. He is hiding in the background but he still is the reason I write what I write, every single day.

The devil is in everything

My daily struggles have become more detailed than the vague ADHD struggles I used to see them as but everything is still about the presence of my devil. My current problems have everything to do with 18 years of undiagnosed suffering followed by another 10 of trying to treat myself without any professional help. The reason I lack self-compassion, the reason I was hard to and disconnect from myself is the existence of my devil.

My whole life I have been trying to turn myself into something I thought I should be. It all started with my parent punishing me daily for my emotions and differences but the sensitivity and insecurity that derive from owning an ADHD brain made me believe I had to change. I have always been fighting against myself because I couldn’t allow the differences that come with my type of brain, I just couldn’t accept myself the way I am.

I believe I am a great example of the damage a devil can cause when he is never properly treated. Everything I’m going through is linked to my inability to accept my ADHD, to accept myself actually, and this is one example of how ADHD is much more complex and dangerous than the general image that comes with it, especially in girls. My struggles are not my own, struggling through life as a girl or woman owning a devil is a common problem that is not as much known as I would like it do be.

This happens too often!

Studies confirm, that girls with ADHD turn their anger and pain inward. Girls owning a devil are more likely to experience major depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Among girls and women with ADHD the rates of attempted suicide and self harm are significantly higher. ADHD is much more than just hyperactivity and years of living with this type of brain can not just be cured by a daily dose of Ritalin or any other kind of drug. Especially in girls, ADHD is far more complex and harmful than what many people believe.

Young girls with ADHD are hard to diagnose because they express the existence of their devil more introverted. Girls with a devil keep everything to theirselves, but even at a young age this is causing harm. Every time they fail at something that should be easy according to their surroundings, they start blaming theirselves and when this occurs too often, the blame turns into self-hate. When this blame and self-hate continues for years it can result in a constant feelings of anger, a feeling of not being good enough and this is exactly what I’m suffering from right now, after almost 30 years of build up blame, shame, hate and anger, due to continuous failing at the normal things the world expects us to do.

My journey towards self-compassion, my reconnection with myself, is mainly about accepting my ADHD, accepting that some things are just different or harder for me and acknowledging that this doesn’t mean that I’m less, that it doesn’t mean that I deserve blame and hate from myself or any other person. Learning how to ask for help, accept my mistakes and stop my mental war are all part of learning how to love myself, the me that includes my devil.

The reason I write

What I want to say is that although I often forget to use the label ADHD, everything in this blog, everything in my process has to do with it. I might be writing often about self-compassion and self-understanding but the lack of these 2 (and many more) things is a common problem in girls that own a devil. Now more than ever I’m writing about the complex side-effects that come from years of living with an ADHD brain, about the hidden but real damage this type of brain can cause a person.

What I hope for the future is that the medical world will start to understand these problems better. I hope there will soon be more knowledge about the long-term effects of untreated ADHD. I sincerely hope that no other girl has to struggle like me for almost 30 years before being understood and receiving the help she needs. I hope that my writing will create some awareness about the the struggles that come from ADHD, that I can make just a few people understand that life shouldn’t be as hard as society makes it for us. And I hope that I, as well as you, will find a way to truly accept and love our devil.

I will make mistakes. I will write about things that are actually the opposite of what is good and I’m certainly not a doctor that is able to tell you what you should do. I can only share my own story with you, and maybe, if I’m lucky, in the end even describe what a balanced life together with my devil will look like. But this will not be a solution for everyone. What I do know is that life shouldn’t be a struggle, it shouldn’t be as hard as it was for me. Everyone deserves love, joy and happiness, no matter what type of brain. What I hope for now is that I can encourage someone who is trapped in a difficult life, like I was, to look for help, to start an own journey into a better life, because we all deserve to be free of the struggles we create ourselves, life is complex enough without them!

Further reading

Interested in the differences between ADHD in boys and girls? I wrote about this a while ago and even I was shocked when I found out how unknown this condition is and the harm it causes to this misunderstood group in our world. This post also explains my story, how my type of brain was never acknowledged, how there was no one that understood my struggles and how even my diagnosis did not provide me with the help I needed and I was simply send away with a box of pills.

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