Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 12
I have spend about 24 hours in my maze and I’m starting experience some comfort in it, comfort with the process I’m going through. The acceptance of my mistakes makes me able to move forward again, the fear to keep trying disappeared and I try to do new things after analyzing the mistakes I encountered in the past months.
I’m starting to figure out how I work right now. By investigating the things that went wrong before I am starting to collect the knowledge I need to succeed in the future. The meaning of mistakes in my maze helps me to start understanding what my limits and triggers are as well as the importance of expressing them. I’m starting to understand what makes me tired, what things I shouldn’t combine in one day and that I’m allowed to have boundaries when there is too much on my plate.
Fear to ask
I have never been great at asking. Honestly, I have never asked for help in my life, always trying to do everything by myself, however, I’m starting to realize that asking for help is a necessity, it is something that is part of being human. Helping each other is what humans do, it is on of the things that connects us, that creates our relationships. We have become the advanced and complex creatures we are because we work together, we have created our modern world because we helped each other build it.
I am always there for other people, I am great at helping and when I help, I experience feelings of joy and connection to another person. Helping someone would make me feel good about myself as well as about the other person, a way to bring some good in my life. However, I never realized that the feelings I experienced from helping someone would be the same for a person helping me. I always believed that helping me would be a burden, that I would force something negative to someone else’s life but why would I experience helping in a different way that everyone else?
I’ve watched the video below about gratitude when my boyfriend surprised me with a gratitude journal about a week ago. In the beginning of the video, Kurtzgesagt explains how it is in our nature to connect with each other through help and the feeling of gratitude that arise when you help someone. What this first part of the video made me realize is that the feelings I experience when I help someone are exactly the same for another person when I ask for help. Help is a two-way thing.
The power of help
This realization, combined with the understanding of my own boundaries and mistakes, gave me the opportunity to finally start asking. The realization that I don’t have to do everything myself and I’m allowed to ask for help when I need it gave me a new kind of comfort I have started to practice with.
Yesterday I woke up with a headache that just wouldn’t disappear. I wrote about my maze but I wanted to go to my boyfriend and his friends, I needed to go to the pharmacy for new painkillers, I needed to do groceries because I was completely out of food and a pile of clothes was waiting to be washed. Usually I would try to do as much as I could, which would result in an exhaustion that would make me unable to stay at my boyfriends place. This time however, I left my laundry for today, asked my boyfriend for some groceries and a friend for my painkillers.
As a result, I had the energy to do what I wanted to do most, staying with my boyfriend and his friends, without reaching exhaustion. Besides, because I didn’t reach my limits, I never came close to loosing control, self-hate or anger didn’t at all surface and I was able to just enjoy my day.
Today I’m doing the same thing. I woke up with an email about my next appointment with my companies doctor. The appointment was planned on a day I have a long therapy session scheduled with my psychologist on a location I would have to travel 90 minutes for to reach. At first I started to panic, how can I spend so much time in public transportation when I can’t even stand 30 minutes on my bike in the crowdedness of the city? How can I have an appointment with this doctor after spending all my energy of my psychologist?
But then I realized the opportunity I had to ask. I wrote an email, explaining that I don’t have the energy to travel that far, nor do I have enough to see two doctors in one day. I recognized my own limits and asked my office to respect them and come up with something that would be possible for me. And what happened? They agreed that it was too much, they agreed that this appointment should be rescheduled and relocated, and right now I just have to wait until a new appointment that is within my boundaries is made.
There is no point in doing something just because you believe it is expected from you, when you know it is more than what you’re capable of. My office didn’t know I was meeting my psychologist that day, they also didn’t know I don’t own a car that would get me there. If I wouldn’t have asked for help I would have only created a problem for myself while if they would know my struggles they would have never allowed this to happen. The things I’m asking are completely normal and allowed, they help me a lot while other people completely understand that I need this help, they would do the same. By years of not asking I was actually complicating my life more than it was supposed to be.
Needing help is not something negative, it doesn’t show any kind of weakness, nor does it harm the people around you. Human nature wants us to work together, being human includes having the ability to know when you need help. Asking for help might even be a sign of strength, it means understanding yourself and your boundaries and owning the ability to express them. Knowing and accepting what you can’t do yourself and acknowledging the fact that you’ll never be perfect is part of being human, everyone has flaws and inabilities and that’s why there are so many of us.
Me asking for help also means that I’m truly learning from my mistakes, that I accept the process I’m going through and that my idea of myself is really changing. I’m connecting more and more with my true self, with my abilities and limits and this is exactly what I need to learn for now. Practice makes perfect and then new things will arise but for now I’ll keep asking and this gives me a new feeling of calmth. We all have our limits but that’s why we have each other, once we work together we can do everything and that’s just how it’s supposed to be. It’s ok and normal to have flaws and make mistakes, as long as you learn from them, there is always someone around who is able to do the things you can’t do yourself.