Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 11
I have explained how I feel trapped on a wire high in the sky, strung between the old and the new me. I’ve taken some successful steps on this wire, but coming close to loosing my balance a few times has created an anxiety that withholds me from trying to move forward.
I’m proud of my spot on this wire, proud of how far I came. But now I know what I can loose and it has become too scary to even try to get a little further. I’m trapped somewhere halfway because I suddenly realized what a scary thing it is I’m doing and the confrontation with the ease with which I can fail froze me on this spot, afraid to move.
I do realize that the only thing I can do is trying to move forward. Going back seems even more scary since I know the unhappiness that is waiting for me there. Back is not what I want anymore but balancing on this same spot all the time is also far from perfect. It’s hard to keep my balance and I’ll always be stuck on this tin wire, looking at where I should have been. I have to dare to move again, but how do I start this next frightening step?
Maybe I have to think of my wire in a different way? The anxiety of my mistakes has put me on this wire high in the sky does this really resemble the process I’m going through? Maybe a small mistake right now isn’t as punishing as falling down from here? Maybe I have to reshape my wire into something else? What if I’m in a maze. A maze I have spend years trapped inside the middle and are now truing to find a way out of.
The good things about this maze, is that I won’t fall down when I make a mistake. If I choose a wrong turn I’ll find out and I’ll be able to go back to the spot I was when I made this wrong decision. When I look at my process as a maze, mistakes won’t take me back completely, every mistake will instead help me to find the way out, the right way, mistakes can even me necessary to find the right direction. And now I’m replacing my imaginary wire with a maze, I agree that this maze comes much closer to resembling the process I’m going through.
I need to have trust in that what I’ve learned so far doesn’t disappear all at once when I make one mistake. I have to believe that I have marked the way that got me to where I am now, I have to believe that this whole process is simply an expedition through my maze (or my brain) and in the end I’ll own a map that will show me the path through my maze.
Every mistake I make will only make the right path more clear for me. The more I discover, the clearer my map will be and both right and wrong choices will help me to get through. Maybe wrong is even not wrong anymore, since a wrong choice is as helpful as a good one.
I don’t have to be afraid of my mistakes anymore once I start believing in this maze. Mistakes are allowed and will never be able to set me back completely. I know how to get where I am right now, I just have to follow the path I have marked on my map and nothing can take away this knowledge. The anxiety I felt on my wire in the sky was needless, I won’t fall down, I will never have to start all over, I’m just discovering and everything I do will get me further.
Mistakes get me further
Yesterday I was struggling a lot with the feelings of self-hate that suddenly pop-up and sabotage the new way of living I’m creating for myself. But aren’t these small moments of sabotage simply wrong turns in my maze? I have to believe that every time hate is strong enough to surface I will learn something. Was I too tired? Did I spend too much energy on other things to remain in control? Did I feel it coming and how could I teach myself to know when it can happen and how to regain control?
Mistakes are there to teach us something and when I look at my sabotage in this way, I can believe that every time I make this mistake it becomes less likely to happen again. When I analyze my recent moments of self-hate I recognize a pattern. All the times it happened, I was extremely tired, suffering from a stress induced headache but too stubborn to give in. The sabotage occurs when I’m not listening to my body and try to do much more than what I should with my current amount of energy.
My previous time of sabotage was Thursday late at night. That day I woke up around 7, I wrote 3 posts for this blog, I worked in my garden after my neighbors dog had been digging in it the whole night, I did groceries, I confronted my neighbor, I did my laundry and then went for a barbecue with my boyfriends friends and spend 6 hours with 10 people around me.
On an average day I’m able to write 1 post, I’m able to do 1 household thing and if I’m really lucky I can spend 30 minutes around other people. But I had been feelings good for a couple of days doing less and I figured everything was good again. I decided to ignore all the signs of my body telling me it was enough, and I kept forcing myself to do what I would do usually on a free day, forcing myself to return back to normal for this one day.
Off course things go wrong like this. Three good days don’t mean that I’m healed, that I can do everything again. During this day my body told me so many times that I had done enough, that I had used all my energy. If I would have given in my self-hate probably wouldn’t have surfaced like it didn’t on the days I did listen. I knew I was making a mistake, I knew I had reached a dead end in my maze but I wanted to move forward to bad that I went way too far.
Finding my way out
Next time I will know the price of forcing myself to do more. Next time I will understand that some ways are just not right and I have to return to the previous safe place in order to move forward. Next time this won’t happen and I will be able to listen to myself before things get out of control. Sometimes I just have to give in, sometimes I have to slow down to move forward and I should always be listening to my body.
I have made a mistake but I have learned from it. I have learned about a wrong turn in my maze but this one is now clearly marked as a no-go on my map. What it gave me is that I now know that the other path will take me further. I can safely start walking in the other direction until I encounter my next crossing and when I do, I will now how to recognize the wrong path and I will easily be able to leave this one for the right one, until I will get out, and know my way out forever.