When Hate turns into Sabotage

Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 10

Hiding behind a shield of anger when you own a good amount of self-hate is pretty easy. The anger that surrounds you prevents other people from getting close, preventing you from any potential love or joy. The shield makes sure that no good things can happen to you and this way you’ll be able to keep hating yourself. The shield makes you feel exactly what your self-hate wants you to feel, lonely and worthless.

But then the shield disappears, and it no longer makes sense that you hate yourself. Suddenly good things are happening to you but deep down you still believe that you don’t deserve these things. The hate that is hiding within you doesn’t allow the good, things should be dark for you and you start to miss this darkness somewhere inside you.

This is when things really go wrong. You start searching for a way to return the darkness to your life. You feel like you’ve lost yourself in this new positivity that goes against everything you believe you are or deserve. You miss the pain you’re so familiar with and try to return it in every way possible. The familiarity of hate makes you sabotage your current happiness, returning the darkness that no longer truly fits you.

Once the sabotage is completed, you realize what just happened. You didn’t just provide yourself with a dose of misery that will justify the hateful feelings towards yourself, you also harmed the people close to you, the people that were responsible for the good that was returning to you.

Removing my shield of anger while my feelings of hate towards myself are still a part of the way I see myself comes with completely new struggles. Anger can pop up out of nowhere, I pick fights over things that don’t actually matter to me and I hurt the people around me, just because I’m unfamiliar with the new feeling of good.

Most of my days I feel a new kind of positivity. I understand myself, I focus on the good things around me and finally I’m enjoying my life and the connection with myself. The removal of my shield of hate has opened me up to a whole new experience of life, one that’s much brighter, one that’s showing me what life should look like and what I should look like when I’m my true self.

But no matter how much good I feel right now, it’s simply too early to have truly changed the hateful image I have of myself. I see the good of life, I’m starting to understand how happy I could be, how much love and joy I’m allowed to experience, but the feelings of hate towards myself do still exist, they are still hiding somewhere inside me and this is what makes this “in-between-phase” so hard.

Let’s say that right now, 70% of my time I spend without my shield, simply feelings good and enjoying myself and the process I’m going through. Then there is another 20% in which I’m struggling with my old image, doubting the validity of my positivity but when I’m able to use exercise, meditation and writing as ways to remind myself that I don’t deserve hate. This 20% I’m in right now, and with every word I write down, the feelings of proudness and positivity are able to return.

But then there is 10% left, to be honest, I’m not sure about the exact devision but it seems to get close to reality. The last 10% occurs mostly out of tiredness, but in this time, the feelings of self-hate get too strong to fight. They take over with anger and words I can not control and they sabotage the good things I have. Although I’m only talking about 10% here, the fact that I completely loose control is what makes this small percentage harder than the constant version of this feeling.

The hate surfaces less than it used to but what has changed is that I now recognize the harm it causes. Self-hate is no longer what I believe in, a lonely and sad life is no longer what I want for myself but in this in-between-phase I’m still not strong enough, or changed enough, to make it disappear. Self-hate is still hiding inside me, ready to surface in my most vulnerable moments.

I am no longer in a constant state of controlled self-hate but this makes the actions that derive from what’s left of my self-hate much more painful. Self-hate goes against everything I started to want and believe in, completely ruining the positivity that returns and even decreasing my trust in getting better. Mostly it scares me. What if I damage too much? What if I take too long and I truly damage the good that is starting to surround me? What if I’m left alone because of the mistakes I make in this in-between phase? What if I fuck up and turn right back to my shield of anger?

Change is difficult and scary, I realize that now more than ever. I know that I’ll make mistakes in the process I’m going through but accepting these mistakes to happen seems impossible since they harm people in a way that’s not really me. I damage my current relationships out of my old habits, because I loose control and fall back on my old patterns of self-sabotage that have become extremely painful now I have started to recognize them.

Unfortunately the only remedy is time and practice. I wish I could just let go of my self-hate all at once but this is not how human brains work, we remember and we create habits we get so used to that changing these is extremely difficult. I wish I could promise myself and the people close to me that my self-hate won’t surface ever again but when I do, I’ll put so much pressure on myself that it will probably happen again within the next 24 hours. Pressure will only make things worse and I have to accept the fact that it might happen again, that I will keep making mistakes until I’m finally healed, and probably even after that. But how can I accept something I really don’t want to happen?

The in-between phase of my recovery comes with a whole bunch of new struggles I don’t know how to deal with, yet. I find myself in between love and hate, joy and anger, calmth and chaos while I have no clue how to fully hang on to the good ones. Change comes with uncertainty and anxiety. I feel like I’m balancing on a thin wire, high in the sky and even the smallest mistake can make me loose my balance and fall down, back to the shitty life I used to have. I have to keep my balance until I reach the end of it but the ease with which I can loose scares me too much to move forward. I’m extremely proud that I’m somewhere halfway on this wire but what if I’ll fall in my next step forward?

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