Loving the ADHD devil – DAY 2
I am worthless. I just pretend to have a mental problem so I can finally be my true self, the lazy, crazy and pathetic person I am today. There is nothing wrong with me besides my own inability to live a normal life, my extreme weakness and worthlessness. I don’t deserve to feel joy, I don’t deserve to be loved, I don’t deserve help or care. I am not allowed to exist in this world, I’m not worth a place here. I should just disappear and leave the world to be a better place without me.
What am I doing, staying at home for all this time? People tell me they see how I am getting a little better each week, but am I really? I still make no sense, I am still too lazy to do the things I’m supposed to do, to start exercising or keep my house clean. I’m too crazy to have a normal conversation with another person and I’m too ugly to show myself to anyone.
I’m not getting better, instead, I’m drifting further away from being a normal person each day. I have no clue how I will ever be able to return to my life, I don’t even know what this life is anymore. I don’t know who I am, I completely lost normal.
Whenever someone tells me I’m getting better, whenever I feel a little better or whenever I give my mind the opportunity to wonder, these thoughts pop up in my brain. I truly try to treat myself with the kindness I deserve, but escaping these thoughts seems impossible every day. And once they arrive, they become so strong that they will remain the entire day. Nothing can make them disappear.
Strangely, the more I’m getting better, the more positivity returns to my life, the more these thoughts appear. It is like my mind, or my devil, wants to punish me for the joy and brightness that is returning to my life. Every time I feel good for a while, the feeling of worthlessness takes over, like I didn’t deserve the positivity I had felt before.
Sometimes my boyfriend is with me when these negative thoughts about myself appear. As the nice, loving man he is, he wants to help me to get through these moments. He tells me how great I am, how much progress I’ve already made, that my thoughts are false and that I deserve to, and will, get better soon. My boyfriends covers me in positivity and love, but this usually has the opposite of a positive result.
My feelings of negativity and worthlessness are so strong, that no positive words can change them. When my boyfriend tells me I’m great, I figure he just says that for me but doesn’t truly mean it. When he tells me I’m getting better, I come up with reasons that prove that I’m actually getting worse. When he tells me that I well get through this, I think of how even a healed version of me will never be good enough for him.
When there is a negativity inside my mind, it is so strong that it will turn anything that is positive into something dark. Not me, nor anyone else is able to reason with my feelings of worthlessness and attempts to do so will only increase the strength of these feelings.
Until yesterday, I was unable to win from my negativity. Until yesterday, I would be stuck in self-hate and self-blame from the moment the thoughts would occur until the moment I would wake up the next morning. I would get angry at anything and anyone, I would loose myself in gaming until it would be late enough to drug myself with sleeping pills that would allow me to fall asleep and try again the next day.
Until yesterday, there wasn’t a way for me to escape my own negativity. I would distract myself from the feelings as much as I could but it would remain with me till the next day, until it would pop up again somewhere in that day.
Yesterday however, something different happened. When I looked at my naked body before I got into the shower, a body that is getting rounder each day, the feelings of worthlessness occurred. This time I was trapped in the shower, trapped with myself, without any distractions. There was not way to escape my feelings for at least the 16 minutes I needed to wash my hair, shave my legs and brush my teeth.
I was forced to accept the feelings of worthlessness, to let them take over and truly acknowledge their existence, without anything or anyone to distract me from them. The first few minutes I felt angry at myself, hating myself for the person I am and the way I do (fail at) things. I threw some shampoo bottles around the shower but noticed that there wasn’t really a way to release my anger. I just had to feel it, allow it to be.
And then, towards the end of my shower, the feeling of anger changed. I started to feel a sadness, I started to cry and all the anger and blame I had felt before disappeared. By allowing myself to accept and feel my worthlessness, I had discovered that the real reason behind these feelings was not self-hate.
I am just scared
After my shower I entered my bed. I choose a comfortable position and started to wonder why I was crying. I have developed a method that helps me to figure out what is bothering me. I tell myself everything that’s on my mind, and when I say the things that truly bother me at that moment at loud, I will have an emotional reaction to them.
I noticed how “I am worthless” and “I am stupid”, the feelings that usually pop up, did not really create an emotional reaction. I kept talking to myself and broke down when I told myself that I am scared about what is happening to me, scared to never get back to my life and scared that I’m doing everything wrong.
I feel a different language
In this moment it became clear that I express my feelings in a different language, I translate them before I allow them to surface. I’ve always figured this was happening, but it never became as clear as it got yesterday, when I was finally able to translate the returning feeling of worthlessness.
I am not getting better
I am lazy
I don’t deserve this life
I am crazy
I am weak
I am worthless
I’m afraid I’m doing this wrong
It scares me how little the amount of energy I have is
I’m afraid I’ll never be truly happy
It frightens me that I don’t recognize myself
I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to get through this
I feel insecure about the person I am
I translate my feelings of anxiety and insecurity into self-hate and anger before I allow them to exist. I don’t truly hate myself, I have created a habit of translating pain into hate. I have decided that hate and blame are the easiest emotions to deal with, and that’s why I translate all my other feelings into these.
Burn my dictionary
My problems with self-compassion are not created because I am a person that doesn’t deserve love and kindness. I don’t truly believe I don’t deserve good things, I just don’t know how to deal with my own flaws, my mistakes and shortcomings. I choose hate and anger over sadness and insecurity, maybe even because when I use my dictionary, the things I feel are not even true.
Many times, I have felt like I shouldn’t be in this world, like I don’t deserve a place in this life. However, these feelings not once made me consider suicide, not once did I even thought about really removing myself from this world, simply because I was just covering up the truth with feeling this.
When I say things like “I don’t deserve to live”, I don’t mean that I believe that I’m not worthy of life. What is truly hidden behind these disturbing words, is that I’m scared of failure, scared of not being good enough, scared of the pain that comes from living.
My anger is anxiety, my hate is insecurity, my worthlessness is my fear of failing and my weakness is my inability to give in. Starting to be more compassionate towards myself doesn’t mean I have to stop hating myself, because I don’t. I just have to stop using my dictionary, stop translating my true feelings into the hateful ones that make live easier, that prevent me from the sadness that I don’t know how to handle.