100 and 1

I did not realize that yesterday I have written my 100th post on my blog. One hundred, a number I thought I would never reach when I started but also a number I am extremely proud of. As I said before, when I started this blog, I figured I would just write for a week, maybe two but I was pretty sure that I would give up soon.

It turns out that I didn’t quit, I kept writing and it turns out I have actually wrote over 100.00 words, a number that could have been a book, that maybe one day will turn into a book. A ton of words, all describing the things that make up the chaos inside my mind, the things that lead to my breakdown, the things I struggle with every day, the things I have to work out and the things that make me proud and happy. This time however, I do not want to write about myself, I want to write about you, I want to thank you.

When I started writing I figured I would write for myself, yes I do have a blog and this is on the internet, but I never imagined that you would actually read my stories. I didn’t believe that you would be interested in my stupid little struggles. I figured I would write a couple of posts, that maybe one or two people would read it and that I would soon stop and return to long messages on my phone that would kind of replace my writing.

But you started reading, you started following, and every day, ever post I wrote was read by you. From my first post you were there with me, you where reading about my struggles and this is what helps me every day, in a way, you are part of me getter better.

Because you read, I want to write. Because you read, I want to keep exploring my brain, I want to enter every dark corner that is hidden in there. You made me able to open up, you gave me the motivation I needed to keep writing, to keep digging but most importantly, to start listening. I notice how with every post I wrote in the beginning, I gained more trust in myself, because you read my posts, I started to gain more and more confidence about writing about my thoughts and struggles, about facing them and about allowing them.

Every post I have written was a step further into the chaos inside my brain, ever word made me see more about myself but most importantly, because you kept reading my words, my feeling of acceptance increased. You reading, encouraged me to keep writing, you not rejecting my words made me reject myself less, you liking my posts made me wanting to dig deeper into why I am who I am and why I feel what I feel.

You have helped me, you still help me to get better and to understand myself and this is why I want to thank you today. Without you I would have missed out on a lot of knowledge about myself, without you my days would be much more empty than they are right now and without you I would probably have sunken too deep into my breakdown.

You, seeing you read, making me write, is what gives my days the brightness I need to keep going. You give me the positivity I need to not drown in the darkness, you give me the motivation to wake up and work on myself, you give me the energy I lack these days, since writing seems the only thing that I can do without ever getting tired.

I am sorry that sometimes I don’t bring any light to you, sometimes my words are dark and and filled with negativity. I am sorry for confronting you with my crazy thoughts sometimes and I am sorry for the typo’s I’ve made. But thank you, thank you for being there, thank you for reading, thank you for everything that you do for me. I am blessed to have you!

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