I never want to loose any part of me

I started dreaming again, very clear dreams that seem to be extremely real. I believe this means I’m getting closer to myself, closer to the person I once was. I wrote about my dreaming super-powers before, about how loosing my ability to enter the hidden world of my imagination and missing out on the amazing super-hero-Anna hours was a sing of me getting lost. My dreams stopped abruptly the night after my grandpa died and only started again about one year later, after weeks of crying and not being able to live my life.

Lucid dream again

The past few weeks I have started to enter my imaginary world more often and day by day my dreams started to get more clear again, until last night, when I finally experienced a lucid dream again. A dream in which I was far from the super-hero-Anna I used to be in the universe of my imagination, but a dream in which I was in control of what happened. Even though I knew I was dreaming, it felt extremely real and when I woke up I felt like I had been on a journey that taught me so much about myself.

Chaos and darkness

My dream started inside my own house and I was experiencing the same problems, my real life struggles where exactly what was bothering in my dream. In my dream, I wasn’t myself, I was stuck inside a person I did not recognize, lost in the chaos that has taken over. The start of the dream was similar to the start of my non-dreaming days and the problems I experiences where the same as the ones I’m confronted with when I’m awake.

But dream Anna decided that she needed help, she, or I, wanter to get “normal” again. I wanter to get rid of the darkness and the chaos that has taken over and I decided to visit a doctor to help me with this. The COVID-19 virus did not reach the world of my dreams, so I visited the best mental doctor that was available.

The monkey-doctor

The doctor wasn’t a psychologist or something, he was a surgeon, specialized in making people feel better. He was a monkey in a white coat, telling me about his special kind of “therapy”. He explained how he would be able to map the areas of my brain that had become effected and remove them. He would remove the parts that where no longer me and promised me that after the surgery I would feel like myself again.

I believed this monkey-doctor and couldn’t wait for my surgery. Luckily I am the one in charge of timing in my dreams, so this doctor did not have anything else to do besides helping me. Straight after his explanation I found myself on a bed in an OR, with the monkey in his green surgical clothes and cap bending over me, looking inside my brain.

Removal of the broken parts

I was awake during the surgery, able to look at my own brain. I saw how parts had become totally black while other parts had turned into a kind of cloudy fluffy and colorful cloud. The monkey-doctor described how these parts where were responsible for the feelings of depression and the extreme chaos. He described the effect that each broken part of my brain had on me while he removed all of the parts that were infected.

A clear brain

After the surgery it was time for me to sleep, to make sure the connections would heal, to prevent any darkness or chaos to return or spread throughout my brain again. The monkey-doctor gave me a medicine and I slept, for days or even weeks, on a bed in his kitchen so he could keep an eye on me and check my brain for any returning damage.

When I woke up, he checked my blood pressure and heart beat, and after he pierced my wrist with a pencil to make sure all the soap would leave my body (it is a dream so not everything is supposed to make sense), I was ready to go and live like myself again.

A walk without distractions

I was walking home and I felt peace and brightness inside me. I felt light and relieved, I felt good. But then I passed by a building I have designed in real life, but I did not look at it. I just passed by and continued my way home without even looking at it.

I crossed a bridge I not once crossed without stopping to enjoy the view. But in my dream I just kept walking. The weather was amazing and the view was even more impressing than what I have ever experienced in real life, but in my dream, after my surgery, I did not notice the beauty, I did not stop to enjoy the beauty of my surroundings.

When I finally finished my walk and entered my home, I saw my boyfriend on my couch, together with my bunny. But again I did not even look, I did not join them to enjoy the moment and their love. Instead I opened my laptop and started working.

Feeling what I’ve lost

This part of my dream, the walk home, was a strange experience. It was like I was transformed into the ADHD devil of my super-hero dream Anna, which was also me.

While I was walking through the imaginary version of the city I live in feeling good and bright, I was also following myself on this walk, noticing the things I was missing, the difference between the dream-me and the real-me. I felt like I was the dream-me, I felt relieve about finally being able to walk without distractions, without any chaos or darkness. But at the same time I was the real-me and I noticed the joy I was missing, yelling at the dream-me to slow down and notice the things I used to love.

It was an experience I have never had before, not like this, not so strong, and it felt extremely real. Like I really had turned into a person without an ADHD devil, looking at the world completely different but at the same time noticing what I was missing, noticing the positivity that comes from the chaos that is bothering me.

I need every part

In my dream, the real-me desperately wanted the dream-me to get her complete brain back, to restore all the broken parts that had been taken away by the monkey-doctor. The dream of last night showed me what life would be like without the mental struggles I’m experiencing. Often I wish there would be a pill available to take away the chaos and the darkness, a pill able to make me feel “normal” again, able to make me just continue my life like nothing is wrong.

This one lucid dream showed me clearly that I should never want to take such a pill. That I should never want to give up any parts of me, not even the bad and dark ones. I am who I am because of all these parts and no matter how much I’m struggling with them at this moment, there will come a day on which they are able to provide me with happiness again. My dark parts will bring joy again and they as well, make me the person I am and once was. Every part of me belongs.

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