I start to cry less often, my energy seems to be returning and I notice how I start to look for contact with other people. A small step in the direction of becoming myself again. I am now able to do my groceries without reaching my limits, without getting completely overwhelmed and yesterday I was finally able to walk into my boyfriends house and stay in his living room, amongst his friends, for 30 minutes. Something that caused a major breakdown just a week ago.
I am slowly starting to get better, each day I’m connecting a little more to the person I used to be. Each day seems to be just a little brighter than the one before, the chaos and the darkness slowly start to disappear. I believe I have reached the next step in the process of rebuilding myself, one I have been desperately waiting for, for a long time. But now I have reached this step, I face a whole other bunch of struggles.
Safety of the darkness
Before yesterday, my days where extremely dark. I cried, I didn’t have any energy to leave the safety of my own house. I spend more than one month on my couch, in dirty clothes, writing, exploring the darkness and chaos inside my mind. In a way this was easy, although I went through an extreme feeling of sadness, I knew I was allowed to stay home and write, I knew it was ok to disconnect from the world and stay on my couch to face myself. I did not even have the energy to do more.
But now I do have a bit of extra energy, I do have some peace inside the chaos that took over my mind. I do see some light again. No matter how positive this first little step might be, it scares me and my days start to feel much harder than the dark ones that passed.
Brightness comes with stress
The little brightness that has returned, makes me want to do more and be better. Yesterday, I woke up with this tine ray of light inside me and I felt like I had to do something with it, use it to finally reconnect to myself and the rest of the world. I woke up and I felt the urge to do somethings great, to take a big step towards a healed me.
Hundreds of things rushed through my mind. Call my grandma, go to the beach, visit a friend, walk through the city, fix my bike, do my laundry, paint my furniture… I was desperately looking for something that I would have done and enjoyed when I would have still been ok, something that would bring me right back to the person I used to be.
But instead of doing any of the things I had come up with, I got trapped inside my mind. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what I would be able to do and within minutes I was taken over by stress. Stress about having to be better, wanting to return to myself without knowing what to do or where to start.
Peace turns into chaos
The stress took over and I started to do everything I used to do when I would spend a day at home, when I was still ok. I tried a workout, I tried to read, I tried to paint, fix my bike and play a game, but I did not succeed in anything. The stress took over the and the peace I had discovered inside me quickly turned into chaos. Noting I did was good enough and there wasn’t a single thing I was able to enjoy.
Around noon I noticed how hard I had failed. How I had make things worse by trying to be better. Nothing remained of the peace and brightness I had felt when I woke up that morning, I felt more exhausted and sad than I had felt in days. I had been pushing myself too hard and actually make myself feel worse than before.
Blinded by the brightness
For hours I wasn’t even able to write. I just laid down on my couch, regaining my energy and trying to reduce the amount of stress I was experiencing. It took me hours to recover from my morning of trying and pushing and this made me realize how I once again, was too hard on myself.
The little brightness I had felt in the morning, had only been there because I had allowed myself time and rest in the past weeks. But instead of cherishing this brightness and enjoying this little positive change, I understood it as a sign to start pushing myself again. The tiny bit of light made me stop listening to myself, it made me forget everything I have learned and turned me right back into the uncaring person I have always been to myself. I was blinded by light that had appeared.
Trying to find sunglasses
When I woke up late in the afternoon, I understood how hard the next phase is going to be. Slowly the brightness will start to take over and the chaos will start to get organized but while this happens I have to really start working on myself, learning how to listen very carefully to what I truly want and need. I have never been good at a balanced life, I always end up loosing myself completely in the things I am able to do, but the next weeks, months and even years, I have to start learning how to balance. I have to find sunglasses that prevent me from getting too much attracted to the light and allow me to stay close to myself.
I will only be able to get to the next step of my healing process if I learn how to truly listen to myself in this one. With every bit of light and energy that returns, I have to make sure I don’t get blinded again, seeing it as a sign of having to do everything. With every little step I have to listen to myself to figure out what possibilities I gain from it, what little extra things I will be able to do compared to the day before. Step by step I need to get better, there is not going to be a big boom to announce my return to the world, it’s going to take time.
It scares me to wake up with a little brightness, it scares me because I know this is the phase in which I can either fuck up and go back to the fake person I was before this happened, or I can truly change myself and become the amazing person that is hidden inside of me. This is the hard part that will determine how I get out of this and in this phase I have to truly start to rewire myself as the person I want to be.
It is scary and it is going to be extremely hard, but the fact that I feel scared gives me hope, it shows me that I want to be better, I want to do it right this time. I believe I will be able to do it, I want to succeed and become the person I have been hiding for so long, more than I ever wanted anything and this gives me the trust I need. I can do this.