I entered my boyfriends house yesterday. A place I have been avoiding for two weeks, preventing myself from breaking down, protecting us from an uncontrollable stream of my tears. My boyfriend lives in a house that it always crowded, on the average day his couch is occupied by at least 5 other people, talking, laughing, moving, playing, shouting.. I can not remember one time in the last month that I was able to walk through his living room without breaking down in tears.
The last month, even a phone call or grocery trip have proven to be too much. They cost me so much energy that afterwards I spend at least half an hour laying down, crying. At my boyfriend’s house I reach my limit in just a few minutes, sometimes even seconds. Five people around me, talking to me, is too much, at least for now, and I choose to not go there until I would be better again.
But yesterday, I figured I was ready. I had more than one week of being fine. Yes, I did not leave my house in this week and I did not even touch my phone, but for over a week I was feeling fine. I was feeling like myself and I believed I would be able to be amongst other people.
But when I was preparing to leave, my heart started pounding, my legs started shaking and sweat started to cover my clothes. I wasn’t fine, I wasn’t ready but I just could not give in. I could not admit that after a month I still wasn’t able to do this, this normally small and easy thing that I even used to enjoy before this month started.
Although my body told me I shouldn’t go, I went. I didn’t listen. I entered his house and I saw the 5 people, 5 happy people. Two of them where playing a board game, laughing and rapidly rolling a dice in a wooden box, a terrible sound. There was one guy playing an online game he wasn’t winning, shouting and cursing at his screen. The other two, a couple, where in a fight with each other, yelling with big hand gestures and pounding their feet.
I entered this room and within seconds I had reached my limits, passed them even. The people where producing too much sound and too much movement, and all of this got even louder and bigger inside my mind, it exploded inside me and rook over everything. Without being able to take off my shoes, coat or backpack I ran upstairs, to my boyfriend’s bedroom.
I layed down on his bed, I put my headphones to filter the sound coming from downstairs and I started to cry, hard. In the past month I have discovered how tears are my brains response to being full. Whenever I reach my limit, tears start to roll down my cheeks while my brain shuts down. I don’t have a particular reason for crying, I don’t about something that makes me sad, the tears just come, as reaction.
But usually when I reach my limit I’m alone, and after a while, the tears will stop, my brain finished its reset and I can move on. This time however, my boyfriend followed me upstairs, he wanted to comfort me, make me feel better and make me express the reason I was crying. I had to take off my headphones and start sharing what was happening to me.
I started describing how his roommates were able to take over my brain within seconds, how every sound and movement ran through my nerves, how they caused a feeling of pain and an explosion inside my head, how they overwhelmed me, without doing anything. When I was telling him this, I started to realize how far I was from the real me, and then the real sadness came. The feeling of being alone, unable to do even the smallest things created and extreme sadness inside me. True sadness about feeling completely lost.
I have proven to be terrible in allowing myself to feel sad. I can just not accept myself to feel this way, I can not give in. I wasn’t allowed to cry when my grandpa died, and this time I was again not able to allow myself to feel sad. The sadness that had taken over was not allowed to exist, I was not allowed to be weak.
I started to blame myself, for being weak, for being crazy, for losing control. I started to tell myself to be more normal, more strong, more happy. I blamed myself for letting my boyfriend’s roommates getting to me like this, blaming myself for the situation I have been in the last month, for not being able to live my life, for fucking up.
My boyfriend tried to calm me down, tell me to give in and accept that right now I’m just different, I just have to do less for a while but I will get better, slowly. I should have listened to him, but I did not, I just can not allow any kind of weakness from myself and the more he tried to make me accept, the more I started to blame, to cover up, to run away.
Blame wan’t able to solve my sadness, it wasn’t strong enough and it did not stop my tears. I needed something stronger, something that would be able to cover up the extreme sadness. This is when I turned to anger, a feeling that had always proven to be able to take over any emotion, always able to cover up.
At first, I got angry with myself, how stupid I am, how worthless. How I shouldn’t exist and how I definitely don’t deserve my boyfriend or any other good in my life. I got angry with myself but this wasn’t enough, my boyfriend was still trying to make me give in to the all consuming sadness and I couldn’t take it anymore. He is too good for me but he would not leave me alone, he would not stop confronting we with my sadness and I had to get angry, I had to make him give up on me, to leave me, let me be worthless and lonely like I’m supposed to be.
My boyfriend is perfect, but once the anger took over I told him so many bad things, searching for a way to make him hate me, to make me feel more hurt and miserable, to leave me alone. My anger saw him as a problem, a way to prevent the anger from taking over, and without things I was saying terrible things to this amazing person.
The anger took over my brain as well as my body. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t control. My heart was pounding and all my nerves where in pain. I started to throw things, to break things, to kick things. Anger took over because only words couldn’t cover up the sadness. Within a minute I broke my phone, bruised my hand and my backpack saw every corner of the room.
I lost it.
After this one minute of complete anger I fell down. I cried. I started to hyperventilate and shake. A panic attack took over from the anger and I could not breath, move or talk. I realized what I had done, I realized how much I had fucked up, that I completely lost control and I had become just like my father. I panicked about what I had just done, I could not believe this happened to me, and I didn’t know how to ever face my boyfriend again.
I felt so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t look at my boyfriend, not after what I had just showed him. I got on my bake, tears streaming down my face, I couldn’t see. I crashed into a fence on the road, I fell down, I bruised my whole body and walked home.
I took 2 painkillers and 4 sleeping pills and layed down on the kitchen floor. I cried until the pills took over and put me to sleep.
The morning after
I feel so much shame and so much regret. I feel terrible. I am crying and shaking, my heart is hurting and beating way too fast. I can not get warm.
My boyfriend told me he needs some time, and I have never felt more lonely. I can not believe what happened yesterday. I can not believe how much I have fucked up, how much I lost control, how much it hurts.
One bad decision, one room full of people, has changed everything. I see now how I turn all my sadness in to anger, how I scare aways the people I love, how I ruin the good things that happen to me as soon as I show my weak side.
I need help, because I’m completely lost.