I feel like shit. I can’t stop crying, my heart can’t slow down, I can’t control the chaos and I can’t figure out a way to brighten up the darkness that has taken over, completely. My boyfriend and I decided to start over again, from zero. To see each other less, so I can work on my problems, instead of passing my days floating on the pink cloud of happiness he creates inside of me. I know he is right, I know he makes things too easy for me, he makes my problems, my darkness, disappear and I have to start learning how to do this by myself.
I got too attached, too dependent on the brightness that comes with my boyfriend. Spending my time with him around me, is like running away again, hiding from my problems, covering it up with jokes and fake happiness, fleeing from myself. Again.
I have been using my boyfriend like a drug, and I have gotten extremely addicted, extremely fast. Having him next to me was enough to make me feel like I was fine, he was the easy way. Like a dose of heroine for a junkie, he made my world seems fine, while it was actually far from ok.
Now I’m alone and I’ve never felt so scared. I know that what I feel now, is what I felt a moth ago, when this thing started and I not discover the magical healing powers of my boyfriend yet. I am back to this time, or maybe even worse than I was back then. But knowing that I have to do it all by myself this time makes me extremely scared.
I am so scared now I see what is going on with me, for what is happening to the person I once was. I am scared for how lost I am, how far I’m disconnected from the world and the life I used to have. I am scared of what is to come, for the coming months in which I will truly have to start seeing myself, how I will have to go through so much, allow so much feelings I have always been hiding till now.
Without my boyfriend being here, I can not find a way to relax or to take back control. I feel like I’m stuck in the darkness, completely lost, and I have no clue how I will ever see the light again. I try everything that once made me feel good, reading a book, watching a movie, playing a video game, doing yoga, cuddling with my bunny… But nothing helps, I can not even do these things for more than a couple of minutes.
I am lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know how to make myself feel a little better, I can not find a way. I am not only disconnected from the world, I also lost all the connections with myself. I have turned into a miserable pile of sadness I no longer recognize as me.
The one good thing about what is happening is that at least I am sad. I allow myself to cry, I allow myself to feel bad, I finally gave in, I let all my tears finally roll down my cheeks like not so little waterfalls.
For the first time in the past 14 year, I allow myself to remain in the darkness, to accept it, not matter how scary, sad or strong. I hate my boyfriend for doing this, for leaving me to feel this alone, for not holding my hand or bringing some light.
But I know he is doing this because he wants the best for me, because he loves me. He will be here again tomorrow, and I can feel a little brightness again the minute he enters my house. But just for a little while this time.
I know I will be able to succeed, no matter how hard everything feels right now. This is not the first time I have to find and rebuild myself again. So many things have happened before, when I was completely alone, and I have always succeeded to get out of the darkness.
Unfortunately, all these times I was alone, and although this made me extremely strong, it also made me unable to deal with the darkness in a proper way. This time I’m not alone, I not only have my boyfriend to support me, I have professionals as well, and they will finally teach me how to do things the right way.
No matter how dark my world has become, I must remember that this is the start of something good, the beginning of a better me, a better life. Everything I go through right now is necessary, needed to make me feel better in the end. I am healthy, I am strong and I will be great again, but only when I allow, when I feel and finally stop hiding.