About one month ago, I wasn’t able to do my life and my job any longer. I couldn’t get myself anywhere, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t stop crying and I had to admit that the life I was living had become too much for me. I had to admit I was no longer able ok, nor able to do what I was supposed to do. I had to allow myself to take the time I needed to work on myself, to rebuild myself, to heal, to listen, to cry and to start laughing again.
But I wasn’t the only one having a hard time, bad things also started spreading around the world. I remember that I stopped working just a couple of days before we would go on an office trip to France, a trip about 2.000 deaths ago for this country, a trip just before the world realized it was about to break down.
The first two weeks of my time at home, I did not read any news. I did not really known what was going on in the world until my boyfriend called me one day, telling me to buy as much food as I could and that he would no longer go to his office. This was the point that I started to realize that there was something going on, that I was not the only one breaking down. Soon after this the whole world was in lockdown, trying to win the war against this corona virus, while I remained home, trying to win the war with myself.
The first days of the lockdown I mostly felt peace. The streets were quiet, bars, gyms and shops closed and this made me feel like I was finally allowed to give in, to stop pushing myself to do things. The lockdown made me feel like I no longer had to try, I no longer had to try to do the things that would make me reach the very low limits of my energy, I no longer had to try to remain a part of this word. The peace and silence on the otherwise always busy streets created a peace inside myself and I started to relax.
The downside of the peace, the reason, the severeness of the virus that is spreading through the world, I did not realize until my appointment with a psychologist. Until the morning of that day, I did not see the impact of the virus, but when I got a call from the assistant, telling me I was not allowed to come into their office that day, I started realizing what corona actually meant.
In the afternoon the psychologist called me but wasn’t able to help me over the phone. She gave me a number of another psychologist, one I had to make a video call appointment with for 3 weeks later. I started to see the severeness of the state the world was in, I felt how the corona virus was preventing me from getting the help I desperately needed and how it would do the same for so many other people. I couldn’t do anythings else besides waiting at how, trying to survive each day, getting more and more lost and further and further away from the life I once had.
The realization of the severeness of the virus, caused me to become obsessed with it. Before, I did not ever read any news, nor did I scroll to any social media app. But once the state of the world hit me, I couldn’t stop. Every half hour I refresh my multiple news sources, I keep track of the number of deaths, the amount of people getting the virus, the measurements that different countries take and I follow every conversation our government has.
All this news makes me scared, scared to go outside, scared of what will happen to the world, scared of the many deaths this virus will cause. I am scared that the world will change, that supermarkets will close, that my job will disappear, that I will die, that not enough people will survive. In my mind, the virus has become even worse that the monster it is in reality, in my thoughts the virus will take over our world and destroy everything.
The anxiety and the lockdown make me feel extremely lonely. I don’t dare to go outside, I don’t dare to meet other people, I don’t even pick up the phone to call someone, afraid of hearing that something is wrong. I spend my days inside and alone, without talking and without the help I really need. I have never felt more disconnected from the world as I do right now.
Sometimes my boyfriend visits, the only person I stay connected with. I am happy when he is here, when I have someone to talk to. But him being the only person I meet is hard, I make things extremely hard now I’m so far from the person I once was. The girl he fell in love with no longer exists and I’m afraid that he as well, will soon leave the person I have become, and when he does, I will be completely alone.
I wish my breakdown would have happened in a different time. I feel like the whole world being in lockdown is taking me further away, it is making things worse. In the weeks before the lockdown, I slowly started to feel a little better. Although I did too much every day, I stayed connected, I met people and I still had a place in the this world and the knowledge that help was coming soon. But then the help did not come, I got extremely scared and I did not leave my house for two weeks. Everything feel unreal.
The virus has disconnected me, it has taken me further into the darkness, further away from the person I once was. I hope, not only for me but also for the whole world, for all of us, that we can soon win from this monster. I hope we will soon be able to live our lifes again, without the fear caused by it and outside of our own bubbles. A life in a normal world, in which I will find my place again.