Every day I wake up, I know that ADHD will be waking up with me. There has never been a day that my devil and angel allowed me to do it by myself, not one day they have decided to take the day off and stay asleep till the next day, although they quite often make me do this. Every day till now, and most probably ever day that will come, I live together with my ADHD. Even on the many good days I have, the angel, as well as the devil, live with me, and together we live my life.
I wouldn’t have been the person I am without my ADHD. I wouldn’t be living my life the way I am living it, and to be honest, I believe my life would be much more boring if it would be just me inside my mind’s control room. Most days I’m in control of my ADHD but still many things I fo, I do because of ADHD. The devil and the angel have become a part of me, and I can not imagine a life without them in it. No matter how chaotic, different, unorganized or maybe even weird they make me, I love the way I am and I would not want to live without my angel, nor without my devil.
Take the time
Without ADHD, I would see so much less joy around me, I would feel so much less happiness in my life. Every morning I wake up, I wake up in the same bed, in the same room in the same house. But even after 3 years of waking up in this same place, I feel a kind of surprise, caused by my surroundings, every morning again.
Every morning I am able to notice how the sun light reflects on my ceiling when I open the curtains. I notice how the colors of my walls seems to be perfectly matching with my plants, furniture, decorations and how they all have a positive influence on my mood, how the colors calm me down. I notice how my bunny is happily bouncing around the room and every morning I look at a picture of my grandpa and this makes me almost able to notice his presence.
I notice many things that should have become normal by now, but still seem to surprise me. The angel inside me makes me look at these things, she makes me taking the time to truly look and this makes me able to notice the joy that is hidden inside them. In a way, the angel is distracting me from what I am supposed to do, she is distracting me from getting up and getting dressed. But her distractions are never a bad thing, a lot of joy derives from these otherwise unnoticed beautiful things and I thank her for these distractions every day.
See the beauty
The ADHD angel inside me also works her magic when I leave the for me familiar things. Whether I’m in a conversation with another person, in a new environment or simply at work, she keeps distracting me with little details that would remain unnoticed without her I see birds or other animals truly enjoying the first sunlight in the spring, I see small gestures in the way people communicate, I see flowers or plants where I don’t expect them, no matter how small they are and I see how different textures play with the light that touches them.
I notice details that remain invisible to most people and I notice the beauty in them. The hidden beauty in these little things is what makes me feel love and joy throughout each day. Because of my angel, the world around me is filled with little treasures of joy, little surprises that are hard to notice but extremely rewarding. The angels makes me able to feel true enjoyment and real happiness, she makes me able to strongly love the good things in life.
Allow the chaos
Although the devil’s main tricks are based on distractions as well, his distractions are much less pleasant compared to the ones caused by the angel. The devil’s distractions are not created to make me feel joy, nor does he want me to feel happiness, this is not the goal of his actions. The devil’s main task is to make me feel bad, and prevent me from succeeding. His main distraction is his chaos, the big amount of thoughts that he is spreading around inside my mind. The speed at which he makes my thoughts travel, collide and appear, like fireworks on new year’s eve. He loves the chaos, he loves to spread around so many things that I can not see what is important anymore. He is very good at distracting me, but fortunately he is often not more than a little bully, desperate for some attention.
The little devil’s pranks sees to never stop, he never gives up and just keeps trying to get my attention and to succeed in his mission, but I have learned how to laugh about his little jokes. I enjoy the things he makes me do with his chaos, he makes my life a little more interesting and a bit more challenging, and his chaos has become a pleasant part of me.
Laugh about the little pranks
Sometimes when I go for a shower, it takes me multiple attempts before I’m able to wash my hair with shampoo. I put toothpaste on my hair or shampoo on my body body lotion on my toothbrush, some days taking a shower can be extremely difficult. I spend days at home with cold feet, trying to put on some socks, but when I go to bed in the evening, there will still not be any socks to take off, and usually when there are socks, I forget to take them off and probably wear them the next day as well. When I tell myself I should leave the door unlocked when I enter the house, I will always lock it, and I know that once I tell myself to lock it, it will remain unlocked till the next morning.
The devil in my mind is always able to create the right amount of chaos that is needed to make me fuck up while doing the little things. But on most of my days, his chaos is just enough to reach the little things, he is just able to sabotage the everyday things, the things that don’t really matter and I do without actually thinking about them. He is not making me unable to do anything, it feels like he is just adding some of his humor to it, and over the years I have started to enjoy his humor.
I mean, what can you do when you find yourself with toothpaste in your hair? What can you do when you’re trying to slice the bread using a spoon? What can you do when you find yourself with a hand full of cactus needles because you just could not not touch your stingy house decoration? I can only laugh at all of these moments, laugh about the humor of the little devil inside me.
I appreciate my ADHD devil as much as I do the angel. He makes a little clown arise in me, he makes me able to laugh about my own actions, to enjoy the otherwise normal things. His little pranks make it more rewarding when I do succeed at something. I have little parties inside my mind when I finally succeed in putting shampoo on my head or when I wear fresh socks the minute I get out of my bed. His chaos does not make things harder, he makes them more challenging, interesting and rewarding.
I can not imagine how it would be to live a life without my angel and my devil. Things would become so normal, so easy. My ADHD makes me happy, it makes me able to enjoy so much more than I would with a neurotypical brain. My ADHD is the reason I can experience true happiness, like this moment, when I’m cuddling with my bunny on the couch while wearing fresh socks, listening to music on my headphones and getting kissed by my boyfriend while I write. True happiness when I look around the room and see my bunny falls asleep on his favorite blanket, next to me and my boyfriend, in the bright ray of sunlight that enters my apartment through an open window. In this little moment, I experience true happiness, true love for the things around me.
ADHD, as well as the emotional dysregulation and the distractions it comes with, are not only bad, they are also a huge blessing. At least for me, they make me see a world in a much more beautiful way, they make me enjoy not only more, but also more intensely. Being able to truly enjoy the normal and little things is my super power, my gift. And no matter how much shit my ADHD brings me on the bad days, this makes it worth it, this makes me love the way my brain works.