When ADHD takes over my body

Attention-Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder, or ADHD, is known as a disorder, or a difference or deviation in my opinion, of the brain. ADHD brains are wired in a different way, different from neurotypical brains which causes differences in experience, attention and so much more. ADHD brains tend to be extremely crowded, they are constantly filled with many thoughts and feelings that don’t always make sense and often are not supposed to be there. The little ADHD devil is not familiar with the concept of importance, nor can he filter any sensory input or control the thoughts that occur. Usually the devil’s chaos is limited to the functionality of my brain, but some days he is able to spread his control through my whole body and this results in the most funny, clumsy, frustrating and painful days.

Ingredients

On the rare occasions that the control of my body is taken over by the ADHD devil, several requirements must be met on the days before he takes over. The devil must have been creating chaos inside my mind for at least a couple of days in a row. He must have had the opportunity to fill my mind with thoughts that move too fast to keep track of them. He must have deleted all my sensory filters, making me surprised, interested and distracted by everything around me. He must have taken over complete control, creating complete chaos, resulting in the inability to sleep. The devil will keep me awake with the thoughts that spin through my head, he will make sure that I can not stay still long enough to fall asleep and he makes me do tons of things I should not be doing after 11PM, everything to make sure I will not sleep more than 4 hours a night, for a couple of days in a row.

The devil’s chaos also creates a mess in my house, simply because I just don’t remember what I do all the time. I find myself with a toothbrush on the couch in the living room wondering why this brush is in my hand, dropping it and getting the watering can for my plants but before I will be able to put any water, I will be dropping this one as well and take out all the books I want to read, and off course, I will never start reading. All in less than 4 minutes. I guess you can now imagine what my house will look like after a couple of days off the devil’s chaos. It will be a complete mess of things, spread around everywhere and I can’t even remember using any of them because of the complete chaos that is happening inside my mind.

The last ingredient I need to mention is hunger. Or not the actual feeling of hunger, because this is a feeling that did not occur since my first pill of methylphenidate, but I should feel it on these days. The chaos created by the devil makes it almost impossible for me to make even the simplest kind of food, or he just makes me completely forget that I need food to survive. The lack of food, combined with the sleepless nights causes a big drop in my energy levels. And this gives the devil all the ingredients he needs to work his magic.

Recipe

I start with a good look at my house, or better said, the dump that I woke up in. I don’t recognize the place as my house anymore. It seems like the dishes have jumped out of the cupboards, my clothes crawled out of the laundry basket, the trash seems to be procreating and it seems that everything I own got a set of legs and has been walking around my apartment. It is like a bomb exploded inside my house while I was asleep.

First I blame the things, then, I blame my bunny and when I realize that they could not be the reason of this mess I realize that I have been living in mental chaos for a while. At this moment I realize it is time to be better, to start cleaning, to take back control and the remove the chaos I have been living in.

There is this saying about how a clean house results in a clear mind. And although I do agree that these two things are connected with each other, I definitely don’t agree on the result part. Yes, the state of my mind, the crowdedness in there, is reflected in the cleanness of my house, but it the relationship never seems the opposite effect. I once had someone cleaning for me when my mind was in a state of complete chaos, but within 2 hours after she left I had turned it into a complete mess again, and for sure my mind did not become even a little bit less chaotic, not even for a single second.

Still, on these days, I do believe in the saying and I will try to start cleaning. I force myself to go against the devil’s will, against my own state of mind. But remember how I did not eat or sleep properly for a few days? This has started to have an effect on me on these days. I feel dizzy every time I stand up and I see stars every time I bend down and I see black and red sports whenever I move in a horizontal way. I feel numbness in my feet and hands and my strength has disappeared. My energy level is too low to perform any kind of physical movement, but still I will get up on these days.

Some of the days I’m smart enough to tell myself I need food before starting any of the cleaning, but often my house has become such a mess that making food means trowing trash, do groceries or clean the dishes. No matter what I try to do on these days, I am too late and the devil will be taking over. On these days, I figure I have to be stronger than the chaos that has taken over my mind. It doesn’t matter much what I decide to do. The things is that, on these days I will go against the the chaos and I will use more energy than my body has left. On these days I’m trying to fight my ADHD devil, make him disappear, while he is still in full strength and health. A fight I will never be able to win, but a fight I will start on these rare days.

Result

My hands are shaking and numb, my legs don’t seem to be able to support my body and my sight is disrupted by blackness, redness and a whole galaxy of stars. However, I am getting up and I am going to try and do something good, something better than what I have done the days before. But whenever I hold something in my hands, I drop it on the floor and when I try to pick it up, I drop another thing or fall down. When I walk through my apartments, I can not walk in a straight line, I will bump into everything that crosses my path, I will bump into the table and drop everything I have been collecting on there, I will walk against stairs or furniture, I will trip over a shoe or my bunny, I will not be able to walk through a door but I will bump into the wall next to it.

The devil has taken over the control over my body and within just minutes I will be covered in bruises and the floor will be covered in broken things. I remember one day like this not so long ago, within 3 minutes the kitchen floor was covered in yoghurt, mixed with 2 broken plates, 1 glass and a great amount of different spices. To complete the mess, I lost balance and fell down, covering my clothes with the dangerous mixture and adding some blood for an even greater taste.

Disaster happens on the days that the ADHD devil takes over my body. I crushed my toe, I lost a nail, I have broken my wrist and I have a big scar on my hip, all because of the chaos, that had a chance to take over the control of my physical movement.

Remedy

First of all, when I have a day like this, I have to keep smiling. I have to keep seeing the humor in my uncontrolled movements, because that is the only good thing I can get out of it at that point. I keep laughing about the things I do and the mess I make, seeing humor in every shard and every bruise. Laughing is the only thing I can do on these days, enjoying the weird way in which I work. I always think about a secrete camera inside my apartment, capturing these extremely clumsy days, recording the most funny real-life soap that would ever exist.

Fortunately, I did learn how to prevent the ADHD devil from taking over the control of my body. I did learn the importance of food even when I don’t feel hunger. When I don’t sleep well for one night, I will exercise more the next day to make sure I will be able to fall asleep. I try to clean my house at least 10 minutes each day, just to make sure that the mess will never become too big.

Whenever I fail to follow these rules, when the devil’s control has proven to be too strong, I try to ask someone to help me, make some food for me or clean a little. I ask help to start taking back control and this reduces the strength of my ADHD devil. Help increases the chances of winning the fight that is about to start.

Today however, I did not listen to my own knowledge. I am writing this on the couch with a bag of frozen peas on my twisted ankle which happened I was trying to find kitchen towels to clean up the yoghurt I had just dropped on the floor. And off course the frozen peas were already opened so half of it is now mixed with the yoghurt and my bunny ran over the mess a couple of times so the mess is now spread throughout the entire kitchen. I guess I will just always keep having days like these. Maybe I should install a hidden camera somewhere in the house.

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