When I started this expedition through my brain, I believed I had just temporarily lost control over my ADHD devil. I figured that two weeks without my medication had allowed him to grow and take over the wheel. I honestly believed that a couple of days of writing and a week of disciplined pill swallowing would bring me right back to the stat in which everything was fine. When I started writing, 30 days ago, I was sure that today, I would be in control again, that on day 30 I would be living my normal everyday life like I did before.
But I was so wrong on Day 0. On this expedition through my mind, I have encountered so many problems, so many hidden issues that have now been revealed to me. It turned out that my ADHD devil was not what was troubling me, I was troubling myself. I had been hiding and running for years, and by doing so, I lost myself, a long time ago. Instead of fighting my ADHD devil, I had been building a wall around him, as well as around the angel. I have not only been hiding the bad things of my ADHD, I also have been covering up the good things, the things that turn me into myself. On Day 0 I started to realize this, I started to feel like something was missing.
The past 30 days turned out to be completely different as what I had expected them to be. Fortunately this does not mean it was a worthless journey, the opposite is true actually. Although I can still not tell you how to win the fight with the ADHD devil, I do have gained a lot of trust that one day, not too far away, I will. Instead of learning how to fight the little devil that lives in my brain, I learned to accept him, to let him be there, amongst all the other things I have been hiding from myself before. I learned how I have to be open to all the parts of myself, all the things that make me into me, the good ones as well as the bad ones.
What I have learned is that I have to listen to myself, my whole self. I no longer hide my feelings, I no longer hide my wishes and I no longer hide my emotions. During the past 30 days I have felt extreme sadness, anger, disbelieve and shame but also excitement and joy. And I am grateful that I once again am able to feel these things, it is great that I’m finally allowing myself to feel again.
Although I did not find a way to take back control yet, I have felt more than I have been feeling in the last decade and this is a major step for me. I feel like a new part of my life has started, and although I am just at the beginning of it, I have trust that this is going to be the really good part, the part in which I master art of balancing, the art of living and enjoying.
I am thankful that I have been writing these 30 days, thankful that I will always be able to look back on the month in which my life changed. But this is definitely not the end. I will keep writing, maybe one day I will even start a 30 day journey again. For now I want to thank you for reading, for being a part of my journey. Tomorrow I will take a day off to relax, to cry the last (at least for now) tears for my grandpa and on Tuesday I will just continue with my writing, with my expedition, with my exploration of myself and my ADHD devil.
But this is for sure not the end.