Fighting the ADHD devil – DAY 29

Day 29, but actually it is day 366, or day 1. One year ago a new life started for me. A life without my grandpa, a life without my parent, teacher and cheerleader, a life without my safe place, without the one person that has always loved me, the only person that understood me and let me be myself. Last years everything changed, but no matter how bad I have been feeling since, I have to see the good things that came from this terrible loss.

This year has been the year that I have discovered so much about myself. For the first time I was really on my own, lonely even, this morning one year ago, when I woke up on the couch my grandpa had bought me as a goodbye present. I missed him, the only person I could show my feelings to, and this caused me to not grieve properly and ask too much from myself, for almost a year. Until the day I broke, the day that everything became too much and I could just cry.

But what if this would not have happened? What if I would not have broken and I would have been able to continue my life in the way I did? I would never have been able to feel, I would never have been able to allow my emotions, to experience happiness as well as sadness. I would not have opened up to my friends and my boyfriend, I would not even have a boyfriend, I would not have talked about anything that was really important, I would not have been able to release the tears that have been waiting to come out, for so many years.

If I would not have had the year that I had, I would still have been stuck behind all the walls that I have been building for myself. I would have still been hiding the real me, not only from everyone around me but also from myself. I would not have figured out what mess I have been creating inside my head, I would not have noticed how far I am away from being ok. I would have just continued to pretend.

In a way, my grandpa’s passing was the final lesson. My whole life he has been teaching me everything, from walking to dealing with my ADHD devil, but I never truly understood, I never really listened to him. I never accepted myself and he knew that I did not. But now he has passed away, I have been forced to see what he really meant, forced to truly look at myself. Unfortunately it took me a year to accept this, one year until I was finally able to look at the way I have been treating myself, a lonely, angry and sad year before I could finally start to agree with my grandpa.

I deserve to be the person that my grandpa saw in me, the person I could be, but just with him. The girl that is smart, unique, creative and passionate. The girl that I have been hiding my whole life but he loved the most. Each day I see her a little more, each day she makes me love, cry and do the things that I love. Each day she is taking over a little control, and I feel a little better, a little more true.

My boyfriend is just getting to know this part of me, this weird childish but extremely honest expression of how I am truly feeling. He loves this part of me as much as my grandpa did, and he ensures me that the rest of the world will as well. Like my grandpa, he tells me that my ADHD can make me into a wonderful unique person and there is no reason to hide this part. And maybe, this time I will believe my cheerleader, I hope I will.

I hope I will be able to live the life my grandpa wanted me to have, the life he thought I deserved, with true happiness and true love. At least now, 366 days later, I feel like I finally know what he was talking about. I finally understand. And I will try the best I can to make it work. For you.

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