It seems impossible that today is my 23th day of writing. To be honest, I expected myself to not even make it to this day, I figured that after a couple of days, or in the best case, 1 week, I would have been finished with it. I expected myself to run out of things to tell, or get bored with it, but turns out the opposite is true. Now, with just one week of writing left for this topic, I feel like it is not enough, I feel like I need more time.
When I started writing, now 49 stories ago, I figured I just needed to talk about one problem in my life, just to share one shitty moment with the rest of the world. But once I started, this one shitty moment made me think about all the other ones, it made me interested in finally opening up to myself, finally figure out how I actually feel, about my life, about my past, about my diagnosis and about my treatment. By writing my first blog, my Day 0, I started a new chapter in my life a hard needed next book actually.
By sharing one shitty moment I have discovered how I have been so wrong to myself, so unfair, so completely not honest. Before Day 0, or actually a bit before that, I thought I had figured everything out, I was convinced I had found a way to live with the ADHD devil inside me, I was convinced I had found a way to be me, and live my life. But I did not, I had not, I had just been lying to myself, I had just been hiding, walking away, ignoring, until I finally believed I was ok, even though I was far from ok.
In the past 23 days I have discovered how writing can tell me things about myself, how I can figure out the essence of my thoughts by writing about them. Often I come up with a topic to write about, but as soon as my fountain pen touches my notebook, I start writing about something completely different, something that even surprises me, but seems to be somewhere in my mind, waiting to get out. I feel like my pen and my paper are the tools I need to see my true thoughts, the ones I have been hiding for years and I didn’t even knew still existed. I feel like my pen is able to connect to the parts of my brain that I have made invisible and I feel extremely blessed I have finally found a way to explore these thought, to make them visible again.
Off course writing about the invisible thoughts is not always easy, far from easy actually. Often I find myself crying about the sentences that appear on the paper, often they are confronting, often I’m shocked about how many things I thought would have been long gone, but seem to have stuck around, I’m shocked about how things from the past still effect me. Because I shared this one shitty moment with you guys, I have discovered so many things about myself, but most importantly, I have discovered that I need help, that I still have a lot of unresolved issues that need fixing, I have discovered that I’m not ok, and that this is fine, I have discovered that the time has come to really rewire myself, completely, with no more walls or invisible spots, at least not to myself.
That today is day 23, scares me. It means it took me 23 days to only see and accept what is wrong, 23 days until I finally realized, the reason I feel the way I feel is not just because of what happened the past month or the previous year. It is because of everything. About the years of abuse, the years of self-hate, the years of trying to be the best, the years of absolute control, and the years of loss and grieve. I did not fuck up recently, I have been untrue to myself, my whole life. Now the time has come to rebuild myself, this time without hiding. Rebuilding a me that includes everything, without hidden parts or feelings, without things I leave out because they’re too hard to allow.
So no matter what day it is, no matter how many days and tears it will take me, I will keep writing, about everything, about every thought, every hidden feeling and everything that got me here. I will keep exploring that chaos inside me that’s called a brain and I will listen to everything that has been hiding in there. Until, one day, I will have found a place for everything, I will have opened up every door and every drawer, and looked at everything that’s inside, no matter how scary or small it might be. And maybe, but just maybe, after this I’ll be able to tell you how to live with an ADHD devil inside you, but for now I’ll just keep looking at him, and make him not go out of control, because this is the only thing I can right now.