I am getting more and more surprised about how simple things exhaust me these days. A quick walk to the supermarket, a room with more than 1 other person, a phone call with my mom, going for a shower… Everything exhausts me, every time I need to lay down to recover, regain some energy for the next little thing I want to do.
This is not my ADHD, and this is definitely not me. Yes, I am very familiar with having a hard time getting things done, but this is not because I don’t have the energy, it is because not everything I need to do is interesting for my ADHD devil. Usually I am full of energy, and definitely when it comes to doing fun stuff, but there is no energy for fun stuff, there is no energy at all, and this is extremely hard to discover.
People around me tell me I should do the things that give me energy, the things I like, the things that make me feel good. But to be honest I have no idea what these things are anymore. I used to love walking, cycling, reading, drawing, watching series, playing games and working out, but even these things tire me right now, most of them I can not even start doing. Every day I try to do them, as well as being social or go for a swim, but I just can not do it. Halfway my morning walk home I burst into tears because I’m at the limit of my energy and I just have to stop walking. After just 10 minutes of having a conversation I have to leave and lay down, alone, and sleep for an hour. And when it takes too long to find my wallet when I want to do groceries, I have to sleep before I can even get out of the door.
Writing helps, writing doesn’t require any energy, it doesn’t make me tires, as long as there is no one around me. This made me wonder if I’m actually out of energy or if my ADHD devil is secretly using everything I have. Pen and paper have always proven to be useful in calming down the ADHD induced stream of thoughts that take over my head, so what if I’m actually not really tired, but just have too many things to think about? What if I’m not home from work because of a depression or burnout or something, but actually because of my ADHD? What if there is not something extra going on, but just me, what if this is the point from which I can just not longer share my brain with the ADHD devil?
This scares me. A lot. I really liked the happy, loving and passionate person I was about 2 months ago. The person that just started to open up to the world around her, and enjoyed every minute of it. But when I felt most happy I turned into this, and the longer this takes, the more I start to worry that this version of me is not just a temporary one. I start to think that the way I am right now is how I’ll always be, that I will never be the way I used to be, ever again.
I just hope I’m wrong, I hope I will have energy again, have fun again and love again, but this so far away for so long now, that I’m starting to loose hope, I’m starting to loose trust in myself, the person that I have not seen or felt in such a long time. This makes everything so hard. Is it even worth it? To keep trying every day, if it only makes me feel exhausted, if every attempt seems to get me further away from the person I once was. With every thing I try, it becomes more clear that I am not me, and at least if I stop trying, I can stop failing, and just be whatever mess I am right now.