Fighting the ADHD devil – DAY 19 – The impact of dreams

I have always been a dreamer. The thoughts that run through my head every day often interest me and I can completely shut out everything around me an go on an expedition in my own mind. During the night the thoughts don’t stop and often I find myself a hero in the most amazing and creative stories my brain comes up with.

I am a professional when it comes to dreaming. When I was younger I used to have a lot of nightmares, a lot of strange dreams that scared me. But after years of practice I found a way to control my dreams. No matter how dark and dangerous the scene is, not matter how many people or scary and weirdly shaped creatures are trying to kill me, I will always win, I will always be a super hero. I have saved so many people from so many different shaped zombies, I have survived so many apocalypses, I have escaped so many killers and I have won so many wars. Nothing is too scary, no opponent too strong when it comes to dream Anna. I will always be the hero, I will always win and survive before I wake up.

I used to love dreaming. I used to love to fall asleep and enter this mysterious world that has been hidden somewhere in my ADHD thoughts. I used to love being the hero, capable of doing anythings, winning and enjoying every night. The dreams also helped me, whenever I would have a bad day I knew I could just go to bed early and enter my own world, a place that would always make me feel nice, not matter how scary it was. Every morning I woke up happy, I would write what had happened that night, sketch the place I had been or simply just enjoy the feeling the dream had created. Besides, I seemed to have more control over my ADHD, maybe because when I allowed all the chaos at night there was less left to bother me during the day, or maybe the opposite, maybe the control I would have during the night would continue during the days. To be honest I never did any research on lucid, controlled, super hero dreaming and ADHD, I don’t know why and I don’t know how but it had a very positive effect on me, it helped me for years.

But then my grandpa, the most important person in my life, died. Between that moment, almost 1 year ago, and now, I had only 1 dream, the night after he died. This dream was so weird, so out of control, so sick that I never told anyone about it, nor did I ever mention it in my own mind. In this dream I was in an unknown city, in contrast to my other dreams, in which I recognize people, places or things, everything was new and I was lost. I walked around the city but it seemed empty, I could not find anyone or anything, just closed doors, dark windows and an empty street. I felt completely lost and then I saw a fallen coffin, in the gutter in the end of the street. When I came close I saw that the coffin had opened and about 1 meter further, there was my grandpa, naked and dead. But this is not what scared me so much about this dream, the worst part is what I did after this. In my dream, I took off my clothes, I sat on top of my naked, dead grandpa and I put his dick inside me. I was having sex with my naked grandfather! This dream seemed as clear as all the other super-hero-anna dreams, I seemed to be as much as control, but this happened and it is completely fucked up, completely crazy.

I think this dream scared me so much I did not allow myself to dream afterwards. It made me feel disgusted and crazy. I do believe that there is often a meaning in dreams, I believe dreams are there to tell us something about ourselves. But this one was too horrifying to analyze, too shocking, too awful, too macabre to ever think about about again. Until today, the first time after almost a year that I dare to look at this dream. While writing about it I started thinking about a text my boyfriend send me a long time ago, when we talked about me missing my grandpa.

Be open for allowing someone in your life that can know you even better and love you even more than your grandpa did.

He send me this in August and back then I did not think about this dream, neither did I agree with him. I thought nobody could take the place of this person that taught me everything in life, how to walk, how to work, how to cook and how to love. But at this moment, this message combined with this dream starts making sense. In this dream I did not have sex with my grandfather. In this dream my subconsciousness was trying to tell me it was time for the next phase, it was time for me to find the love and approval I have been finding in my grandpa, in someone else. The dream was telling me it was time to open up, to find a person, time to start a relationship with a person I can love even more than I loved my grandpa, while still love and remember him.

The reason I write, or even think, about this dream today is because 4 nights ago I started dreaming again. A work related dream, the same one for 4 nights now. This dream made me realize I haven’t been dreaming for a year and it made me think about this last dream. The dream that is repeating every night now is a very stressful one, it is a view of the 3D model of the building I have been working on in the office for the past months. There is nothing more in the dream then this fragment of the model and an align command, executed over, and over, and over, and over again, until I wake up completely stressed. Is this dream telling me that I have been working too much, that I have been too stressed, that it is time to stop? I am curious if it will continue tonight as well. I have taken the time to reflect and think about this final dream, the one after which I started running away, so it might be time to start entering the super-hero-anna-world again.

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