Today I excelled. I started with few expectations, with a few goals for the day but I was able to do so much more. In a way I felt like my normal self again, finally capable of doing what I wanted myself to do. Until I was not. Halfway through the day I discovered the severeness of my mental state, I discovered that the reason I haven’t been doing the things I needed to do is not laziness, it’s not a lack of willpower, there is just really something not right.
I started my day with the usual walk to my apartment. At home I immediately put a wash, made breakfast and started writing. So far so good, but when the washing machine told me it was time to get the wash out I figured I could do much more than what I have been doing. Today I did not do 1 but 3 washes, I wrote a lot, I cleaned my kitchen and my bunny’s cage, I did my dishes and my groceries and I vacuumed my floor. But when I opened the fridge to make myself some late lunch the exhaustion hit me. I had to lay down, I had to stop everything, I could not take it anymore.
Physically I was still capable of moving but mentally I had reached my limit, I had been pushing myself by doing these little things, without noticing I had been pushing too far, I had been asking too much and now it was time to pay for it. For more than 1 hour I just layed down on the floor, unable to get my brain to move my body. The ADHD devil took over, thoughts ran through my head, happy, sad, angry, everything passed by, my grandpa, my work, my boyfriend, boxing, dinner, everything. I was not able to control my brain and because of this my brain was not able to control my body. Until my rabbit found me, and started liking my face, slowly bringing me back to the moment, to the present, to my body, until I was able to stand up and move myself to the couch.
I feel sad right now. Because today I finally realized, I finally accepted, I finally felt how I really feel. How I have asked too much for too much time, for years, and this slowly took away all my energy, until this point. I really have to start to be nicer, I really have to start loving myself and being kind because I have not been listening at all, and this really broke me on the inside.