A new week has started today, the second week that I’ll be at home, the second week of facing and rebuilding myself. In the weekend I decided to buy a planning board, and create some structure for myself, for these empty days that seem to just fly by, without me noticing. I figured I needed something to control my time, something that would tell me what to do and when to do it.
Over the weekend I came up with a schedule, every morning I would start with something active, followed by a breakfast, shower and some writing and thinking time. In the afternoon I would have to make lunch, do 1 household task, and 1 thing outside of my house, followed by groceries, cooking dinner, 1 more household task and some more reflecting and writing. Once I finished making this planning I was proud and believed that things would really get better this coming week.
But off course I can not plan being better, off course I’m not in the situation where I am able to do 10 things at one day, off course I failed. When I woke up this morning I was still suffering from the lactose I had eaten yesterday, until 1 PM I was running, from the toilet to the couch and from the couch to the toilet and this made me so tired that in the afternoon I did not do anything besides wondering, trying to follow the thoughts that would appear in my head and trying to figure things out. Until 6 PM I did absolutely nothing that has been on my planning for today, partly because of the lactose, party because of the high standards I gave myself once again and partly because I am just too tired.
When I finally did get up I went on a short walk, made myself some food and went for a shower. And again after this I was exhausted and needed some rest. Right now I am working on a different, more friendly planning for tomorrow. I will start with my walk again, because I will wake up at my boyfriends place and will have to find a way home, but after this I will not force myself too much. Let’s say I will put my bedsheets to wash, I will make lunch, and I will take care of my rabbit. These 3 things will be a good start, they must be good enough. And I will allow myself all the time I need in between to recover, reflect and listen, because this is actually why I am home and not in the office. I have proven to be capable of following a planning long enough and I should learn to live without a planning, without control, doing just what I need in that moment.