My ADHD devil seemed under control today. It might be because I woke up by a bright ray of sunlight in my boyfriends arms. The perfect Saturday morning, with the perfect guy and the perfect weather. We opened the curtains, we talked, we cuddled and we laughed. Life was beautiful, it was the perfect morning.
When he had to get up to go to the gym I decided to go on a nice walk, in the sun, along the water, in a beautiful rare and old part of Rotterdam. Life seemed perfect, but then I felt tears on my cheeks, I started crying. Not because of the moment, because the moment was beautiful. I was crying because I felt happy today, actually happy, a thing I did not feel in years, a thing I did not allow myself to feel. This moment, in the sun, next to the water I realized how much I have been taking from myself all those years. By trying to become the best version of myself I had done the complete opposite. I had cut all the joy and fun out of my life because I thought it would distract me, I thought it would make my ADHD devil able to take over, I thought it would turn me back into the way I felt as a child. But I have been so wrong for so many years, so completely wrong.
After this realization I sat down on a bench besides the water and cried for while. Not the sad kind of crying, I felt more relieved, I felt like right now I finally feel what I’m supposed to feel, I finally found out how I want to feel in my life. I no longer want to be a robot, I no longer only want to focus on work and the perfect body, I want to live, I want to love, and most of all, I want to feel joy and happiness.
When it was time to go back I gave my boyfriend a big kiss and told him how happy I am with him, how thankful I am that he made me see joy, he made me see what life can be like. By opening up to him, even though it took me forever to do so, I opened up to my next stage in life, one that I will enjoy. Until now I have controlled my ADHD devil in completely the wrong way, and in the coming weeks, months and years it is up to me to figure out a new way, a more balanced way, in which ADHD can be a part of me. A me in which every part of me is present, where there is room for sadness and joy, for emotions and focus, a me that is united with my ADHD, the angel as well as the devil, and most importantly, a me that is open to the world and open to herself.
To read more about my idea of different parts of me I have to learn to balance to become the true me, read: https://30dysadhd.wordpress.com/2020/02/22/adhd-life-love-and-struggles-struggles-3-times-me/
And the effect a sunny day can have on me is found here : https://30dysadhd.wordpress.com/2020/03/05/adhd-life-love-struggles-hope-those-sunny-days/